:(
I want to see fireworks
:(
:(
In the city
:(
:(
 and take photos
and go out
and have fun
:(
:(
:(
I don't want to be indoors
i've been surrounded my walls my entire life
:(
:(
please no more

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”

—

Unknown

“It’s okay if I’m not
your favorite
chapter you have 
written,
but I hope you
sometimes smile
when you flip
back to the pages
I was still apart of.”

—

Y.Z

Yay! I now have motivation for school. I went through the whole of 2013 thinking that I havent achieved anything and that I'm a worthless dumb fuck but noooo I got 44 study score for further math! hooray. It makes me wonder though, what if I had studied more.. could I have gotten 46. Cause I know for sure that I didnt study very well and maybe even got a bit cocky. i'm just so happy. and my name is finally on the high achiever's list! I thought that this little hope of mine was long gone and that i'd never get a study score above 40 but hehehehe YAYYAYAYAY

I think I saw him yesterday. It was all a coincidence! If I hadn't have suggested to go home and call it day, or if Anna hadn't have suggested to go to the last carriage so we could have seats, or if Anna hadn't have resisted to my insistence on standing up and lead us to the four-seater where he was sitting, I would never have seen him. I actually noticed him as the train was slowing down. His hair was pretty long - which I like and he had on a pink stripy shirt. I think it was the one he took a photo of and sent it to me ages ago, but I'm not sure and can't check since everything on my fucking phone was erased! He even had dress shoes and I noticed a neon green puma bag beneath his feet. He was really attractive (from what I can remember when I saw his face once - and once only - in the beginning). I wanted to look at him to see if he was actually Daniel but I was too nervous, so I just watched him in my peripheral vision, kinda creepy now that I'm writing this. :/ He had white earphones and was on his phone. I was so scared in the beginning that Anna would call out my name and wanted to write on my phone something like "hey don't say Danica, I'll explain everything later" but I wasn't sure if I could trust her and if she'd make a joke out of it and actually start saying my name so I took the chance of not telling her anything. I felt like he noticed me but he could've just been looking at the station arrival message thing since I was sitting in that direction. Who knows. I wonder if he kept his promise and didn't look me up on google (stupid not-private instagram). I thought I saw him look at me in the end when I got up to leave but I'm not sure. I'm probably just imagining it. But I really thing that the guy I saw was him. Maybe one day we'll talk about it.

I promise that I will try really hard next year at school.
I will complete my homework and stop fucking procrastinating.
Maybe once in a while, I can laze about but I have to be on top of everything.
I actually enjoy all of my subjects, I just don't put effort in.
I have to work harder and get an atar of at least 75.
Doing homework is just once small step, I also have to prepare and study for SACs and exams earlier... not three weeks prior but from the beginning.
Once I learn something, I will continue to do tests and revise on it.
I have to do this.
I will feel like complete shit if I continue to fail all my sacs and exams.
I HAVE TO

I feel no motivation for school. I feel no fear either. I was sitting in my english language exam and there was like 20 minutes left. I didn't bother to think hard and to finish my essay. I literally just sat there doing nothing but think about thinking. I dont even care anymore. I have a methods exam tomorrow and I'm not afraid. I dont feel confident about it, yet I'm just lying in bed. I just want to die. Thats all I care about. I guess, I have no motivation because i know I'm going to die. I want nothing from this world. I dont want to go to uni. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to travel. I just want to stay in my room. I was thinking the other day, maybe I could commit some crime so they could lock me in a cell. Life would be better there. I would be forced to do things. I wouldnt need to worry about money. I wouldnt need to worry about my future suicide.

so daniel knows that I sort of like him. im scared conversations with him are now going to be awkward as fuck. and i hope that he's not weirded out. like, i would freak out if some boring little asian chick liked me.. wait no thats not the right comparison. of course i would be weirded out, i aint lesbian ya know. you know what i mean. anyway im just so glad i installed whatsapp. he's made me happy. even though our conversation wasnt proper since he barely replied or seem interested in me, im still happy. at least we spoke. its been so long, a whole fucking month. I want to ask him if he wants to meet in december. maybe just a hello, so that its not awkward. just a hello and bye or whatever. Im quite nervous. I dont want to ask and then change my mind. I'll think about this long and hard. but yay  I can sleep at night now, no more staying up til 3am thinking about daniel and missing him.

L: It's raining heaps!

19 july

L: It's raining heaps!
D: Really? Its not here. Guess we are far from each other
L: Yeah it sucks. I wish you were a little bit closer.

D: none of my parents can cook very well.
L: hahah come live with me :P
D: not with that ghost boy
L: ill protect you remember

L: aww hahah. I think its cute how you get all scared




Sent from my iPod

L: Hello Danica:)

22 july
L: Hello Danica:)
D: Lachyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
:):):):):):):):)
Happiness overload
L: hahah aw well aren't you adorable.


July 22
D: Now that after I told you about The Best Thing, I keep thinking that every song you tell me about has some sort of underlying meaning ahaha and 'walking disaster' lol
L: hahah no of course not!
D: hahaha yeah I'm just over-thinking
L: Although the lyrics at the start mention something about "an only-child to take the blame"
D: what about that? Haha I don't get it.
Is it me?
L: haha don't worry just listen. It's not meant to have any underlying meaning it's just a good song.
D: were any songs meant to have an underlying meaning?
Should I not get excited hahaha
Wait actually don't tell me
Nonoononono don't
Nevermind
L: But
Why not? Haha
D: Happier that way haha
L: Does that mean The Best Thing did have an underlying meaning?
D: I'm not sure
L: haha well just remember, I thought of you when I first heard it.
D: what about the other times? Hahaha
L: yes those too haha


Sent from my iPod

The boredem is painful.

The boredem is painful.
The sadness is repetitive.
Is it enjoyable? Sometimes.
I like to feel sorry for myself once in a while.
But this is too much.
There is no balance.
Im stuck in this life that I do not want to live.
I have too many years before I die.
I will be waiting for too long.
This is what happens when you are afraid of pain,
When you are weak.
I just want to die.


Sent from my iPod

I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak

I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak


This is going to sound contradictory to my previous memo but i feel like i have nothing to live for. I used to enjoy food as lame as it sounds but food used to make me temporarily happy and excited. I dont feel that way anymore however. Im half glad im not as weird but im sad that now nothing will make me happy but people. I need human interaction. I used to stop my depressing thoughts when i know my mum is making me nice food but now i can eat and cry at the same time. I can do everything and cry at the same time. Im typing this and crying. I dont want to be sad anymore. If im sad every day, what will happen to me? How long before this feel gets too much for me to simply cry when im alone and hold in when im out? What happens when even music has no effect on me? I have nothing. I dont know what im looking for. Maybe i should do something. I have to find my purpose.


Sent from my iPod

he said he knows one person in america.. someone he has always spoken to from omegle. I feel really jealous. I thought that I was the only person he spoke to from omegle. That I was his. Fuck this fucking shit

Daniel just told me that he might be going to america for a year. I dont know why but I felt really really sad. I dont want him to go. This is so strange. Its not like we see each other often or anything and we can still text and talk through whatsapp, it'll be the exact same thing but the thought that he'll be so far away upsets me. He'll be a whole day behind me. A whole universe of time behind me. and so far away. Why do I feel this way? Why is it that even though he messaged me, I still miss him so much?

i'm starting to get used to not talking to daniel, this is good. v good

“And I think the first sign you notice when you begin to gain feelings towards a person, is just how easily you get jealous when they give others the attention which you crave.”

ive done this countless times

daniel I miss (talking to) you so much, I can barely concentrate on anything. I think about you every second of every day, even when I'm doing my further practice tests and its so annoying but I cant help it. I want to message you but I dont want to annoy you. I hate this feeling. I understand everything now. I never realised that you liked me back then. I always thought you were talking about friendship rather than the whole romantic boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I was so stupid and ignorant. I reread all our conversations and realised that you tried to be sweet in many ways but I just never thought about it much. every time you mentioned physical attraction and that you liked me or whatever, i never understood. but now I do, and its too late because I told you that I didnt like you that way. :( im dumb

and here I am.. waiting and thinking about him every second. why is it that when someone doesn't talk to me, I want them so badly? I even pretend to talk to him, inside my mind. it's weird when I realise but I can't stop it. sometimes I wish people would just be honest with me, even though I know it would hurt but I can't keep waiting and hoping. It takes away all my energy and I'm left feeling like this... weak and tired all the time. He occupies my mind, I want to be with him.

this sadness isn't very good
i feel like one day I won't be able to take it anymore
what would happen
would I kill?
kill everyone, including myself?

"do i have a crush on you or am i just lonely"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRmFEiB1LMw

Unfortunately, I can relate so much to this. It seems almost identical to particular situations in my life.

I think I've lost daniel.

I tried to speak to him last night. We said a few words and then our conversation just stopped. I'm always too nervous to message him. Thinking that he'd be out or have better and more interesting things to do. of course he would and he's just being polite by telling me to message him anytime. He said last night that he thought that we were done, even though only a few days passed. Maybe thats a hint, that he's sick of my facelessness, is bored of me and doesnt want to speak to me anymore. Even after we stopped talking, he didnt check back, while I pretty much lingered on whatsapp waiting for him to say something else like he always does when I get stuck for about 20 to 30 minutes. I dont think he likes me anymore. Or maybe there's some girl he likes. He told me once that when  people get boyfriends or girlfriends, they rarely ever talk to people of opposite sex. Maybe thats why. I'm pretty upset about this. I really enjoyed talking to him. But I'm probably just thinking of the good conversations and not the bad awkward boring ones. You can only have good conversations for a short amount of time. They'll end up fucking shit in the end.

I do miss talking to him though. I guess I'm just going to try to forget about him and see what happens. If he messages me, then I'll know he wants to talk. Just like ***, if he doesnt, then i'll take that as a message that we're done with everything. I'll give it two months, like last time.

I'm hanging with brooke tomorrow. I'm so excited haha. I rarely feel excited these days. and my english sac is over. i dont think im as sad as i was months ago. im happy. i think. or maybe im just okay.
so louise didnt come to school for the whole week. woo ;) she brings bad angry vibes with her. im goign to sound mean but im glad she was sick

I really need someone to talk to right now
Im so sad I dont even know why
Im crying hahaha what the fuck
I dont know if its because of this Mogwai music
or the fact that my two friends went to the city without me
i guess i just woke up today feeling like this
i mean, i was the one who bailed so its not like its their fault
i feel like no one cares though. they havent even messaged me
its like, if i wasnt there, it wouldnt matter
and mac too... i just know he'll never like me
i know that but i still like him, why
im making it harder for myself but i cant stop
its impossible for us to be together
school stresses me out too
i have no motivation for anything
i just want to die
life is hard right now
i cry for no reason
or stupid reasons anyway
i cant even write a blogspot
why do i even have this blog for/

i cant stop thinking about him
why the hell am i even putting myself through this
we'll never even be together
he'll never like me
why do i always do this
i know im making myself think that he likes me
but i cant stop

I had the chance to see Daniel without him knowing it was me yesterday at RMIT uni, but I didn't. I hope that he knows that he actually means something to me (whether a lot or a bit, I'm unsure) and that I kept this promise to not see him to prove that I actually really want to savour and keep the relationship and connection we have between us right now. It's not just a thing I do at night - talking to him - to keep be from being bored. I think I consider him as a friend. I don't understand why I don't like him though. I always thought that I would end up liking anyone who's nice to me. It would be cool if I liked him that way, then every morning I wake up, I would feel confident and happy. I mean, I love talking to him, but its just temporary happiness. I dont know why. I think it's cause we talk so normal. If we were a bit more affectionate hahaha, it might be different. I feel strange being affectionate to him though. Its not because he's 21... oh wait maybe it is! But there was oliver and lachy and mac. I have no idea anymore. Lachy never seemed 19-ish to me. he seemed younger than me haha, which is why every time he mentioned driving home from work or sitting in his car or swerving because a car in front of him braked abruptly, it shocked me and 'woke' me up sorta. Anyays, this post was meant to be about daniel, and there i go again talking about lachy. he doesn't even talk to me anymore hahahahah fuck my life

I let *** look up what I look like. I told him to look up my username plus my name and that username doesnt refer to Kik... I don't know how to feel, like always. I've been feeling so very confused lately - about everything. I don't know anymore hahaha wow. so he didn't say much either. I think he's disappointed. I wish I was a bit pretty. sometimes I think i am, but generally i'm not. this makes me upset. argh tears in psych class haha. I asked him if he found the videos and photos and he was like "I think so". I said "haha alright well i guess this is it" and he asked why or something. I turned off my data and he wrote "danica come back please <3". He probably wrote that because he feels sorry for me. He doesn't wanna seem judgemental and because he has said earlier that what I look won't affect anything. It does... and so much. I won't be able to speak to him normally anymore, about anything! except music. i've never showed anyone a photo of me before. this is why i don't. it makes everything weird. I am 80% less confident. they don't think i'm cool anymore. I mean, there are tons of girls out there that many guys would get along with, they just dont give them a chance! I think I'll miss ****. he was probably the most good looking guy I've ever spoken to online. I even like how he's so awkward. I probably had a small crush on him, not as strong as oliver though ahaha. why the fuck did i even like oliver... honestly? he's not even that attractive. i guess its the fact that he's smart and has everything worked out for him. *** is smart but we lack topics to speak about. it seems like we speak for the sake of talking to someone of the opposite sex haha. oh well, i feel like he knows me now. what i look like, and how i feel. im still waiting for a second text. if he doesn't text back a second time, im not going to talk to him ever again ... unless I feel sentimental oneday

when I leave school, I'll be independent and I'll move out. I won't talk to anybody from my family. Thats what I'll do. They all look down on me and think the worse of me. They all talk about me behind my back, even my cousin who I thought would understand me the most. Everyone thinks I'm the dumbest.. I guess I am because I don't try and I cant be fucked to prove them wrong. Does every single kid have to be a fucking nerd (I mean, I may look a bit nerdy.. but I'm more of a geek) and get 90+ atars? FUCK. I'll do just fine with an atar of 70-80.   They don't even know how it feels to be the underdog in every fucking situation. and who fucking cares if i swear anyways? it means nothing. just an extreme vocal expression of my feelings. its not like i mean it literally. things these fuckers won't ever understand...

i feel like i have nothing
everyone turns their backs on me
why does my life have to be like this

So I was saving up The Best Thing - Relient K to show someone who I would be with in the near (lol jk) future because it's such a cute song and all, but stupid me had to show it to Lachy who I thought was cute and has a similar taste in music to me. Now, every fucking time I listen to it, I'm going to remember him. His fucking existence is now attached to my wonderful song! And he doesn't even talk to me anymore!!!!!! IM SO STUPID, WHY!!!!!!!! AND 'YOLO' DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS FUCKING SITUATION!!!!!

"People were interesting at first. Then later, slowly but surely, all the flaws and madness would manifest themselves. I would become less and less to them; they would mean less and less to me."

Charles Bukowski 

im in a bad melancholy mood today :( even though i spoke to him yesterday. guess i dont like him that way then. i dont know. im so confused. my heart doesnt ache like it usually does. when you like someone in a more-than-friendship way, your heart is meant to ache right? I wonder why when I spoke to Dave and thought he was Oliver, I was extremely happy and confident the next day. I was at my highest, yet after speaking to Daniel, the happiness only lasted for about four hours, even though the call was much much more significant and worth more than a simple chat on Kik. anyway, Im so bored with life, as always and I'm hopeless with socialising ... even basically communicating with people. I cant imagine what I would do in the future. I just hate thinking about it. Who knew that I would constantly worry about this.

la call

So I called Daniel today haha... I was excited and nervous the whole day and because Louise was meeting up with Claude and I was excited for that too, I was FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT.. too much, so it seems, that I had to ~let it all out~ mid-call. I literally gave a long and lengthy groan/cry while I was talking to him. I regret it so much now, embarrassing. I think he asked if I was alright after that hahah but then he texted me saying that he thought I was just laughing. Anyways, I can barely remember what I said during the conversation because I was so nervous. I kept accidentally speaking over him and I went blank a couple of times. I couldnt hear him properly either. I still cant believe we spoke. I mean, all those long nights we stayed up until 5am talking about life, those songs I shared with him, those notes we wrote for each other and me constantly refusing to show him what I look like, now he is one step closer. How long has it been since I first spoke to him? Seven months? I think he's the person that I've kept in contact with for the longest time after meeting online! anyways (im terrible with writing, everything right now is so forced, i talk like an idiot) here are some parts of our convo that I remember. i apologise (to... future danica? hello? anybody?) if my sentences appear to be that of a twelve year old's...

• Daniel told me after the call that he was taking a shower and heard his phone ring. He panicked and ran out to pick up... you know what that means right? I spoke to him while he was naked. I could not feel more uncomfortable when I think about that. As if he didn't feel weird as well! I don't think I could ever be on the phone to someone whist in my birthday suit ahah. 
• He stuffed up his sentences in the beginning and said something like 'argh cant speak'. I found that so funny and cute aha
• He asked me so many questions about my day and I kept repeating "good thanks" >_> -_- >.< -.- T.T =.=" I am a fucking idiot
• He asked if I was with my 'friends' or so I heard and I was like 'yeah I'm with my friends'. Then I realised that I was only sitting with Brooke ahhaha so I gave her an exaggerating *look at all me fwends around me* gesture.
• He asked if I was walking home, I told him that I was at the bus stop then tried to speak more lol so I mentioned that my walk home only takes 10 minutes. Useless information. Boring danica.
• He DIDNT say my name :'( crey ever tiem. I said his though hehehe - flirting since '96, lol kidding I wasnt even.

ok thats all for now, cbf

i honestly dont know what im doing, going online all the time and making friends through the internet. it just shows how much of a loser i am, someone who cant even make friends in real life. i dont know how to feel either. i keep crushing (I think?) on these guys i meet online and i know they feel the same way too which is hilarious. why can't my real life be like this. i would be so much happier.

wow lachy...
not sure how to feel

Some of the things I've written on here are so embarrassing haha, I can't believe I had such corny and weird thoughts. and I've admitted to things I wouldn't have in real life. Im ok right now. Ive just given up on school though.

The young blonde guy

so i really cant be bothered writing about this guy but I'll do it just so I can remember him in the future. Haha "gaaaaaay". Well, since I first started working at Coles, I've served him about 2-3 times - enough to make me remember him throughout the ~5 months I didn't see him. He is pretty much why I want to work on Sundays (also bc of the pay hehe).

*sorry brb i have to shower. louise wants me to go coles with her so she can cook. lmfao someone wife that

lol im kidding. so i just got back and it was kind of embarrassing because we brang angela with us. we walked past this guy and one of the wheels of the pram slipped into this ditch. i couldnt stop laughing, partially because i was embarrassed haha.

*I never finished this because I'm just really lazy.

Anyways, to continue. I started seeing him again, this cute guy, I mean... from afar. *Stalker Alert!!!* No actually, I was just paying attention. I looked up and there he was, with his angelic glow, golden halo, sparkling aura and mighty pure white wings, waiting in one of my coworker's cue so she could 'fill' his eco-friendly green bags 'right up' ;-) Hahaha! A few weeks after that I served him. I cant remember much but I was probably so nervous. He gave me his green bags and I stuffed everything inside. I probably crushed his chips... if he even bought any. I remember he bought glass mugs. Like WTF?! Is that normal? Do guys about the age of 18-24 buy mugs? That made me wonder if he was possibly gay, or maybe he had a girlfriend (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping), or maybe he lives with his mum (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping). Hahah. I served him again last week *swoon*. I've developed the habit of saying "hi how are you" instead of just "hi", which is good but I seem to be repeating it over and over to everyone. I hope no one minds. Well I greeted him, he said something that I cant remember because I can never seem to make sense of aussie slang. I mean, I was born here, yeah, but I speak really formally and I need time to process such things. Time ... lol fuck my life, that I don't have. I think he asked how I was myself, so I said "I'm good thanks". He then handed me his clean green bags (kudos to clean bags! wooo hooo) and told me that I could "fill them right up" ;) ;) ;) ;) I want him to fill me..right...up... Hahahah gosh. He's just so hot ugh, anyways. He asked how my night was (/has been???). I said good.. Why do I always give boring replies? I shouldve joked and said "im stuck at work ;)" god dammit. I wish I was at least a tiny bit funny. I returned his question and he said something I forgot because of my stupid formal brain that hates australian colloquialisms. He has never really talked  tried to make a conversation with me before. This is good. Maybe I'll be more confident next time. I was so nervous though, after that. My knees felt weak and I had an urge to fan myself and feel my cheeks like I was sick because they were burning uppppp. I dont know why, but I nearly said "Sorry my face is so red, you make me so nervous" hahahah but I controlled myself and sighed instead. Oh, he said "no flybuys" before paying with his debit card. Thank you, I wouldnt have had the ability to ask anyway. He literally took my breath away, #cliche. When I gave him his receipt and said 'have a nice night', or something, he took it with BOTHfuckingHANDS and smiled at me. He's always smiled at me ahhh. 

I wish I knew what his name is. I can't just ask him though. The only thing I can do is wait for him to look me up on facebook.. hahah but as if he would like me! I'm not even pretty. Older guys that look like him, would either go for girls their age or younger popular hot girls. I dont know. At least he smiled at me. 

he says that all he can think about is me. so i said same.

im not sure if he's joking or not but im not.

No guy wants me.
No friend whats to hang out with me.
I feel so lonely.

"It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today."

I saw this on facebook and wow.. I never thought that one day I'd be able to relate to corny facebook quotes. I feel really hurt. I thought we were really connecting and that I had found someone that made me feel special, wanted and that I could tell them absolutely everything. I guess some things you shouldn't share after only two to three days of meeting someone (there was a lull for about 4 months). It really felt like we've been speaking for weeks! Probably because when I talk to him, I don't do anything else. It takes up my whole day. Now he doesn't like me anymore.  

im so stupid. who tells a guy about their weird fetish/es. now he doesnt even talk to talk to me anymore. i cant believe this. he talks to me all during exam week (so i cant concentrate) and stops when i have no homework and exams. my  life is great.

"So you want me to be more

violent

towards you..?"

He said.

I talked about bdsm with chris today hahaha. It so so good and I didnt feel weird and awkward at all. he just makes me feel happy, no matter what we talk about! he sometimes acts a bit odd though, like he thinks im angry at him or something hmmm. anyways i cant exactly remember how the topic came into our conversation.. ohhh we always (well maybe just me) view simple things in a dirty way and he said something about me being a teacher and he'll be a student. i found that funny and said something like "nooo lets not imagine that fantasy no. ew." and then s&m and dominance and submission came into discussion. it seems like the conversation always revolves around me though. haha hes good that way. anyways we worked out that he liked to be the dominant one while I'm submissive. I asked him how the whole bsdm thing worked/ how to begin/ what to do, and he kept saying "i'll do whatever you want to. I wouldnt want to hurt you. Whatever you like. Only if you want to" etc etc. I looked online in some bsdm glossary and found some terms. one that I like is edge-play which can be like a rape fantasy~~~ hahah im so glad no one read this. this is awefully embarrassing. for some reason, i've always wanted that. lol ok he also said that he wants to/to be 'teased' hehahahdsjksjh. I'd rather not explain it on here but yeah found that so funny. he thinks he's so innocent and that i want all these crazy things. hes so cute

The Gat

I did the gat today.. it was horrible. everyone said there was nothing to worry about but noooooo there was indeed a lot to worry about. firstly, i skipped the whole fucking second piece of writing lmfao!!!! didnt have enough time. i also skipped all the multiple choice questions about arts/humanities/social sciences. all i did was the first essay about radio (i couldnt work out whether it was "the radio" or just simply "radio") and all the maths and science questions. i thought it would be a good idea to do them first since i do further maths but yeah... i still might get like 5 for the humanities bit if i'm lucky and possibly 20 for english. -.- i dont think i even did well on the radio bit. i was all over the place, couldnt think straight AND MY FUCKING PEN STOPPED WORKING.

im so lonely
i just want to be with someone.. and hug them and kiss them whenever I want

Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't so insecure and self conscious about my appearance. Then I could meet more people.. imagine how many people that I could've been really good friends with but let my fear get in the way. Yes I'm talking about Daniel and Chris.

he would flip if he knew i was writing this stuff about him.

i just want to talk more. i want people to ask me about him. i want to tell people about him. i want him so much, i would give anything. i just want to curl up under his arms and hug him so tight. stay there forever. we can watch oceans 11 for eternity. i sound so creepy. but im just being corny and yeah. i do love him.

I just want to express my love for O so much but Im so bad with words. I just really really really love him. I want to read more about him. Im really upset. WHy did he have to stop talking to me. at first i was confused as to whether i actually liked him or not. now i admit it finally, after one year, I love O. even though we only had a few conversations. I love him. and it hurts. I would do anything for him, really. if I die, this blog will forever be on the internet. funny hey. my soul will sort of be alive and so will be my love for oliver. i wonder if when im like a 40 year old woman, i'd remember this. how i felt right now and how much I wanted oliver. im really scared of the future. i just want it to stay like how it is right now, even though my life is terrible. i dont know... im sick of life. i really want to die. theres nothing good in my life. my parents are alright, i love them but i guess, not enough to stay alive. my friends.. well can you even call them friends? i would say they're the people i hang out at school and sometimes out of school with because i prefer them over the other fucking idiots at my school. school i hate too, but im not as self conscious and constantly feeling anxiety in comparison to the real world. i really want oliver. he'll never like me. im just an immature (am i? i always thought i was more mature compared to a lot of girls at my school, but recently, i've come across some of their tumblr blogs and they're actually really deep human beings which confirms the theory that teenagers think that no one else in the world feels like how they do and will not understand).. ahem continuing on... unattractive (avoiding the word ugly because sometimes i think im ugly but there are times where im like hey im actually kind of pretty idk)... lazy, depresssing, stupid, insecure, awkward, antisocial, weird, sad, shy girl. im nothing.. but i want something.. oliver.

thoughts about O during bio study

I actually can't stop thinking about him, even though its been about a year now. Every time I think about him and certain parts of our conversations and details, I get this aching feeling in my chest. I don't know if its just heart palpitations or what but it hurts and ugh it makes me miss him more. Kinda funny cause I've never met him. I love how he actually thought a lot about me during that time.. calling me with a private number. Kind of low for a 22 year old but what the hell right?! At least they're thinking of you. He never called back after I picked up though. Could it be because of my child like voice? I always sound like a freaking kid on the phone. Awkward kid. I just really want to be with him. He probably deleted my number after I texted happy birthday and I didn't want to text again because once is enough. Maybe this is why I like him so much, because he doesn't like me. I think if a guy plays hard to get or whatever.. in his case: ignores you, I always think about them more and want to talk to them more. Its happened with at least two people. If I'm the person that sends the last text/message in a conversation, then I get really annoyed. Only if the message is a new idea though. So if he says bye, and I say bye last, then all is fine but if we're talking about, say, music and I say 'sorry I gotta go, talk later' and he doesn't reply, then I get really fucking annoyed. I do that to so many people.. maybe thats why they keep trying to talk to me. I remember faintly that I ignored a few of his texts cause I wasn't sure what to say. The one about him travelling. He wrote a lot too, I wonder how that must've felt. Wow, gosh I'm sorry. I probably didn't reply because my phone was new and I thought that I might waste my 180 dollars worth of credit. Now I'm just like yeah yeah. I think I'm really attracted to him also because of his intelligence. The conversations with him just flowed well.. as far as I can remember and he spoke so naturally and not forced. His intelligence was evident through his atar score and the uni he attends. For some reason it makes me happy just thinking about that. I really miss him and I just hope that someday we'll meet and he'd be as nice as he was last year. Where would I even see him though? Not at uni because I'm not smart enough to get in. Oh I'll just forever remember him. Its weird, he's probably forgotten about me. That's what everyone does. I remember he hinted about sleeping together hahaha, honestly, I would have said yes right then and there. Just for him. I dont even fucking care about this stuff anymore. I hate my life and I just want him. I hate everyone else. I have fucking nothing to live for. I remember the day when I thought I spoke to him.. of course it was Dave, but I actually genuinely thought it was him. No doubts. I over thought a lot of things Dave said and ugh, anyways, I was so happy that day. My life was great. I was experiencing what I reckon every fucking normal person experiences - happiness and bliss. I went to work that day energetic and enthusiastic. I fucking said how are you to everyone! I was so confident, it was like I took a drug. Is happiness a drug? Or maybe sadness is the drug here and I was sober in terms of drugs (I don't know the word for it). The feeling was great. No anxiety whatsoever and even though I was in pain because of my aching chest (??? shock??? stress?? love???), I didn't mind and didn't care. I guess this is what happens when you actually love someone so much. I think that its possible to love someone even thought you don't know what they look like and never met them. I just really love him ugh. If he ever reads this somehow... lol, sorry, I sound like a fucking mental case and so creepy. Im sorry but this is how I really feel. Also Im a bit desperate so out of all the guys I know, youre the most preferable. (and you're perfect)

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

I want this so much. :'( Obviously I cant get it right now because Ive already got expensive things for my birthday.. now to get over 90% for my tests/exams/sacs. none of my subjects are looking very good right now. not even re art -_-

Reasons I tend to not talk

• people always interrupt me to tell another story because apparently my story isn’t good enough for their ears
• i sound like an idiot who just learned to talk two hours ago
• people seem disinterested in what i’m saying
• i hate my voice
• i have something really mean to say
• i hate you
• i repeat because this happens a lot: people interrupt me and never let me finish and i feel really shitty about myself because no one seems to want to listen to me

yeah i copied this from a post on tumblr. its just so accurate. even where it says "an idiot who just learned to talk 2h ago". i sound like someone who cant form proper sentences, who gets their verbs tenses and shit mixed

yes oh and no one listens to me. i wouldnt even be able to finish a story without being interrupted. everyone then turns their attention to the interrupter (if thats even a word) FUCK. it happens all the time. its like im less important than other people. there's this one girl who obviously knows that im annoyed at her for listening to someone else over me, so after the person has finished...every time, she'd be like "danica hey what were you saying about that thing?" and of course, i always say "..oh, nothing"

i hate the feeling of your parents favouring some other person more than u i hate thinking about my feelings i think im going to cry tonight argh maybe now if i dont stop thinking about sad shit

its raining, i feel so sad, my heart is aching

hi whats up, I'm scared of the future.

......................jDjdjddhwwjwkdkdkddjdjdjddddjjdjddjdjdjdjdjdjdjddjdjddjddjjdxnbbbbbb

Hi I can't be bothered writing everything but basically my mum is now not trusting me with homeowrk lmfao. She's checking my books and asking for written evidence of the hw I need to do. Why don't I just get all my teachers to write my hw in my diary for me and sign it. Ugh. Its not like u do every question in the book either. She won't turn the internet on so how am. I meant to do my english homework? And chem ugh I hate my mum so much. I really want to die right now. I'm envious and jelous of other peoples families. The main reason I'm going to get a really low atar I reckon is bc of my mum. I need freedom. I bet. I won't even be allowed to go out. Ill do want then but ill probs have no friends and its all my mums fault. She's ruining my life. Anyone who reads this will probably think I'm overreacting and exaggerating but I KNOW u would hate it if she was your mother too. I don't even bother asking if I can go to a friends house or party or whatever because I know the answer would be "maybe" on the verge of "no" and lots of questions would be asked plus talking to their parents and n my friends would regret inviting me. I hate my life. This blog has basically no happy posts. Let's end it with I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BUT IM A FUCKING WIMP..............................................

im so angry with myself he is fully gone now :'( those messages were 100% original and came from his phone and now its gone... ALL I HAVE IS A MEMORY UGH UGH UGH

i was thinking of rewriting his messages so it would be kind of similar and at least i would remember some of the stuff he wrote but that would be EXTREMELY WEIRD and gay so ugh memory can you at least fucking remember this. btw my phone password is capslock. lol pls let there be no one i know that reads this blog

at first i was a bit alright with having my phones memory wiped and then i remembered that his messages would be deleted :'(

unbearable pain is unbearable why is it taking so long to restart. i just need to fucking see my empty blackberry. the suspense is killing me. i guess i feel a bit of hope but I KNOW THERE IS NONE UGSAHJDGLHDLUHXJLASKJLAUKGJUAkjshakhjd

everything deleted from my phones bc i forgot the passwrod ugh my friend asked me what my password was and i couldnt remember it weirdly enough its one of those "if you think about it too much you cant do it" things AND NOW I FUCKING HAVE LOST ALL MY CONTACTS I BET and i was like to my mum "can i borrow ur phone so i can put my sim card in.. maybe i saved some stuff in my sim card" and my mum was like "no my phone is like my diary" lol FUCK YOU BITCH why did you ask why i even had a lock on my phone then you selfish mother fucker i hate my mum

my mum is such a hypocrite im so fucking angry dad i love you i cant wait til i move out can i just live with my dad

I hate my mum. She's so fucking selfish and stingy. I will never be like her. I can't wait to move out.

V is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to drink it!!!!!!!!! Hurry up and get cold you douchebag! Hahaha. Ugh I use blogspot like its twitter. OH FUCKING WELL. I just wish I had people to reply back. Oh btw, I nearly cried like 5 times in psychology and 3 other times in my other classes today. I don't even know why! I'd look out the window and (sometimes) think of this "particular" person and I'd feel overwhelmed and my eyes would begin to water. Haha every time I think of them, I get motivated to do well in school but yet I feel extremely sad. ALSO I had to stop myself from laughing in english language today too. lmfaooooo I laugh at the most inappropriate and 'un-funny' (not even a word right?) things. I hope my facial expression didnt look too ridiculous then.. I felt my mouth twitching hahahaha

fuck why do you need to be 18 to buy a simple lighter!!!! I WANT A LIGHTER. lol and its weird that I have so many cigarettes in my room yet I havent even tried. I will one day I guess.. I wont die from taking a puff just because I have asthma right?

According to some people: I AM DESPERATE. Yeah ok thats true thank you for telling me now I know what to call myself and what to say when people ask why I yearn for love so much. Where is he?!!

Yayyyyyyyy! I think I've finally been erased from Googlel! You used to be able to search my first name plus my school and it would come up with pdf files of some stupid awards I won and even a photo in a newsletter!!! I hated it so much and now its gone (I think)! It was a photo of me half smiling but frowning at the same time... so out of place. UGH> im glad its gone woo hoo

I REALLY want some tattoos ugh like they look so cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK my mum would get so mad though hahah! she's always told me since I was little to not get any tattoos. i want an eye tattoo on my ankle (ouch.. hope i can stand the pain) and maybe a pine tree on my arm. i hope i grow some balls before im 18.. tattoo stores are scary

so my mum doesnt trust me... she was like "what homeowkr do you have, SHOW ME" so I said "lol just chapter 1 2 3a and 3b" and she was LIKE "I NEED PROOF. where is it written. where did the teacher write it. im going to call brooke... wait no CLAIRE and ask them" fucking fuck fuck fuck cant wait til im 18. dont need no motherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I find that when I'm happy, I'm more energetic and confident. Like, I remember the day (or should I say a few hours) after I talked to Dav#e/Oliv#er, I was soooo confident. I had long conversations with people, asked them how they were and spoke really loudly. Funny thing was that I only had 4 hours sleep too, yet I felt so alive! My chest also ached that day too because of my many mini heart attacks that night. I also feel really motivated to do homework when I think of O.. I dont like him or anything, I 'm so confused. I dont know whats happening and why the thought of him is motivating me. I randomly laugh when I remember something in our conversations too, while I'm serving people!!! Its weird. Its not like I dont talk to guys and have good moments lmfao with them. I bet his not even how I'm imagining him BUT WHATEVER thank u anyhow. I just wish there is something (that LASTS) that can motivate me.. a.k.a future lover WHERE the FUCK ARE YOU

labelling myself

i think i am a hetero-romantic asexual lmfao

 I miss Cal!!!!!!! It would have been cool if we were friends. CAL I HOPE YOU DONT FIND THAT BRIDGE YET!! I ACTUALLY CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU WERE COOL. WHY DO YOU WANT TO DIE. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS ANYMORE??? MEEEEEEEEEEE IM HERE ugh why did i disconnect

i just talked to a guy who wanted to commit suicide by a salt overdose on omegle. its weird because i can never imagine guys feeling extremely sad and wanting to die but oh well wow. he was cool.

friends suck
they arent even friends
mum sucks
what the fuck i cant even explain
i hate myself
i only think random guys talking to me and shit on the street are making fun of me
what is wrong with me
i wish i was someone else
that would be so much cooler
i think i know my cause of death: suicide
time: future probably when im like 30 or maybe 28. come to think of it even maybe 25
i want to do it but im too fucking wimp
ill probs jump off a bridge or something or maybe take some pills
but i dont wanna get my stomach pumped or anything
ugh pain

i feel so sad all the time
sometimes im happy but not FULLY ever
and sometimes im just like im obsessed with the idea of being sad and blablabla
but its not my fault
its the people thats around me thats making me so angry ughhhhhhhhh
not my fault
maybe i should make one of those "thirteen reasons why" thingys like the book, before i die so everyone would know who were the people that made me feel this way
ah so corny

person who gets left out the most here... *points at self*
 fuck friends
who needs friends
they're only temporary so people can tell how "popular" you are at school
im going to be such a loner in uni if I keep being so antisocial
fuck
i hate
my
life
omggsgjhkfjkshfisjhsdljhsdhjslfgslughj whyh

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so lonely

I'm going to get a VFD insignia (eye) tattoo on my ankle when I'm 18 and allowed to do whatever the fuck I want. Hope it doesnt hurt omfg.

V. F. D.

I FORGOT MY URL!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO GET ON MY BLOG LMFAO! HOW DO I VIEW THIS SHIT?!?!?!?! WHAT DO I CLICK ON. IM SO STUPID.

Today was a good day! I'm glad I have Claire. This is like the first day I went out and came home tired yet happy. Most of the times I go out I would feel soooo bored and awkward and then go home like "never fucking again". BUT today was good yipeee even though it was hot! I hate going out when its hot, today was different. I'm actually happy. And I did homework too (2 chapters motherfucker, 139563569 more to go)

Loosing weight with pain

People say that starving yourself doesnt work but I swear to god I think it does. I never eat breakfast and haven't been for years and years (since like grade 6). Every time my mum forces me to, I feel like I'm going to throw up.  . OK SO I I have been literally starving myself for the past few days (not anorexic bc my thighs are kind of fat.. I WANT THAT GAP). I did eat but not until it was like 9pm. I'm now 48kg. So weird.. I usually am like 50.. sometimes 55!!! It fluctuates a lot but I have never been under 50! I remember when I was in grade 5, I was 44kg! I was like "is my scale broken????" I dont think it is. But anyways weight doesnt matter if you have fat bits around your body. It could just mean that my bones are deteriorating lmfao....... thats why for lunch today Im having: yogurt, milk, brie.
ok the end

i kind of like christian. its weird tho because he isnt that attractive to me but i love his personality. i guess its good for him that i dont know much guys because i go to a girl school (and am antisocial lol). i dont know if i would date him or not! maybe i just like him as a friend and bc he's a guy, i just assumed that it was a crush. ugh confusing

i think i love a guy but i dont know what he looks like

why do I have to have a thing for older guys? they'll never like me.

ive never been so mindfucked my entire life. no one understands me and I still dont understand the situation omfg. so much confusion inside my head. this guy is good. FUCK help help

so yesterday, I was on Omegle (yes... i know, why was I even on omegle?!?!? bored ok. bored person is bored) and I kept getting this drama queen guy I used to talk to. He didnt actually say his name but I could tell that it was him from the way he typed and some stuff he said were repetitive and were mention in our real previous convo (where he knew who I was and I knew who he was exactly). Anyways I wanted to catch him out on some lies because I knew he didnt go to the school he said he did and his 3/4 subject score of "43 on software dev" were no where to be seen. He also lied about his name in one of my pranking convos. He pretended he was a girl, then when I said I was F he was like "lol my real name is ... was kidding". I even pretended to be a guy once. It was hard because I really didnt want to talk to him but if I d/ced bc of his asl, then he would know it was me. So at like 1am, I went on my phone as usual and thought FUCK THIS YOLO NO ONES GONNA STAND IN MY WAY OF HAVING A GOOD CONVO. So I started a convo with a person who I thought was him but didnt care and typed normally the way I do. We didnt even mention asl and that made me suss bc he knew my asl. I ignored the fact that it was him and we had a greattttttt convo!!!! But then he mention "no fun" in a sentence and it brought back the memory of O, this other guy I knew. I knew it wasnt O bc of the way O typed but I wanted to scare him a bit by saying "do I know you" and making it seem like I knew that something fishy was going on. okok anyways this guy started making these weird allusions to my and O's convo. I mean, I didnt even care what it meant in his sentence but as soon as I saw those words I died. and died more bc i didnt know if the guy was playing a prank on me with some coincidences or if it was actually O. i was so mind fucked. never been that confused my entire life. i paid attention to every single detail. every time I realised something that reminded me of O, my heart would race and I couldnt breathe. LITERALLY. Im still having trouble now and I have chest pain :( god I think I'm dying for real bc of all this shock. Im still not completely sure if its O, probably is but doesnt feel like it.. he has done this cool-random-turns-out-to-be-him so many times. anyway i  slept at 7am yesterday/today and woke up at 11. Four hours sleep! (chest hurts every time i sneeeze) god this might be my last post EVA eva eva. nah but lol my mind was fucked

I think I have crushes on guys too easily. At least I THINK they're crushes. Any guy that gives me attention, I kind of like. Even when they're ugly!!!!! Maybe personality does beat looks but idk ewwwwwww what's wrong with me                    

I hate how my mum brings that fucking stupid piece of shit idiot home. i mean, its my house too and she knows i hate the fuck so why bring it here.... i cant even say him omg fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i hate my mum so much. she says its not my house but i mean, yes shes right but at LEAST respect me and care a bit. i actually wish he dies i dont care. i would murder him for real if i could. where can i find someone who would kill someone for money?

I have 99 problems and 73 of them can be solved with money. I could pay people to love me. I could buy myself some designer clothes, of course I won't go to shops bc awkward but online. Haha. I could buy myself a couple of friends who won't leave me because I could buy them designer clothes too. I could pay a guy I like to fall in love with me. Lol crazzzy mr nobody music making me crazzzzy

to whoever is reading

I forgot to say: I hate how every time I view my own blog, it counts as 1 view bc it makes me feel as if someone else has seen my posts but of course not, no one cares. If someone does read this though, please tell me. Write me something on www.yourworldoftext.com/lonelyroamer. It would make me feel less alone and gahh who doesn't like attention esp me who lacks thereof and everything nice

I'm going to attempt to start my hw..only 2 weeks before school starts. I'm so sad. I'm listening to some music through my earphones cos it makes me feel safer - no one is around me. Blocking everyong out. Not like my mum cares what I'm doing. Lol. Wait.... Its hard reading with music playing :( oh well. I can't stop thinking about adam and his blog though. I just want to give him a hug.

hellooooOooooooppoOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 so this thing took a while to make and now I've lost my  um "thought expressing mood". :( ahh anyway I was feeling sad and lonely ofc like always  i looked up guys I know/used to know and kinda like. I found the blog of one and i cant believee how sad he was. I always thought he was simply a bored guy who like to go on msn and play gmes.. normal but wow more deeper. his blog made me a bit upset. Sorry for spelling mistakes. Wonder where he is now and what he is doing. I want to share his url but can't cos I want this to be public. I hope someone comes looking for my prescence on the internet like I did with him. I don't make sense . Anyways my life sucks a lot and I have really bad anxiety idk if I'm making a big deal about it cos I'm not diagnosed or anything but I can tell. I hate going out in public. I can't even buy a god damn bottle of water. Without looking awkward. I always feel that people are looking at me wwhen I go places and not in a good way. lost my internet connection. brb while I go fix it so can spill ourt my sucky fucking sucky lifev to you .. whoever you are      ggggggggg   ggggjjjjjjjJwwwWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwWwwwwwwwwwwwwwWwwwwWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww