feels like he doesnt give a fuck about me. doesnt want to see me. doesnt know how much i miss him. i just need to stop liking him so much. remove some of my feelings detach a little.

i just want my life to be over

i just want to die. i cry like every day. i feel so down and hopeless. im confused about all of this - me and him. i love him so much. but after today.. i dont even know anymore. when he refused to climb over a few rocks because he 'ceebs'. i want someone who is a bit more adventurous or does crazy things idk. he tells me to go where i want to and he'll go but he doesnt want to go where i do. theres no fun at all. he thinks walking forward on a track is the same as walking back because everything looks the same anyway. so boring. he doesnt help me when i told him how nervous i get when he doesnt say goodnight. i dont even bother him, i do it alone anyway. he says i just need to relax and believe in the relationship. do you think its that easy?? i feel so sex starved as well. im not satisfied. im also upset about how he lets his mum dictate everything. how we always have to be quiet. how i cant even sit next to him. cant even stay at his til late. also i like to drink. i like to do fun stuff. he doesnt. he tells me to just drink anyway even though he isnt. why would i do that.
i feel like theres more but im tired of explaining to future me who will read this.
i just feel sad all the time but i love him and dont want to go. i feel like we arent as compatible as i thought. and that these things will bother me in the future. i want fucken drugs too but he isnt into it. idk.
my conclusion is to obviously stay but take this relationship more lightheartedly and less serious. to stop thinking of the future and 'what ill be stuck with'. to view this us spending time with someone i love. but i will still do everything i want - just alone. this time though, ill love just him. i will just have fun on my own. go for my own walks. drink my own drinks. i guess sex might be a problem. i feel so fucked.. im just going to try relax one day at a time and not take this relationship as seriously as i have been.