Sunday 30 November 2014
Wednesday 5 November 2014
So I have so much more stuff to learn and here I am typing up a pointless little rant that will do me no good, except for the fact that I don't need to feel like a crazy person talking to imaginary people in my head about it. Anyways, I feel like Justin doesn't like me. He isn't sweet and affectionate towards me anymore and I don't know why. He sent me a text today.. I've been waiting for more than a day! It was impersonal and really distant. He wouldn't even send such a thing to a friend. It sounded condescending and motherfucking stupid. Out of all the things he could've messaged me, he decided to write "bet on a horse?". Who fucking asks that? It's something you ask when you have no idea what else to say or talk about. And why the fuck would I bet on a horse when I have two fucking exams the next day. Do I even look like someone who would bet on things? I'm fucking broke. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he even ask such a dumb as fuck question. He could've said he missed me, or how I was doing, or that he likes me, or that he's excited for me to finish. But no. He starts a conversation about betting on horses. I'm so mad lol. Fuck. So I read his text and didn't reply. It makes me feel less upset and depressed when I'm the one in the power and ignoring him. I literally felt so sad the past couple of days due to him giving off this negative vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me.. or that there's someone else. I teared up thinking about it every single time. And it didn't stop today either, until he sent me that text and I was like fuck yeah, I'm in charge now. So if I keep ignoring him until after both my methods exams, I won't feel too hopeless. Angry and mad, but not hopeless. I'm still pretty sad and down but I think I can make it. Being depressed just stops you from doing everything. Angry can still be ignored at times. I'm proud of myself for refraining replying back. I've tried to ignore his texts many times before but I could never properly do it. It's like I had to text back straight away. I like him too much and he does not deserve it at all. He doesn't love me. All those I love you's and I miss you's and I like you's were bullshit. I bet he's honestly just with me because I'm the one of the only people who's interested in him and he wants me for sex. Yes, I half mind but I don't know if I should pretend that I'm okay with everything because, hey, I like this guy and he is spending time with me to have sex. At least I have that? A part of me just wants for him to go away. But then I'll have nothing. I think the only problem is that he's dishonest towards me. If he could just admit that he doesn't like me that way and just wants to be friends with benefits or something like that. I don't know what I would say still. Am I that type of person? I guess because I was crushing on him, I made him choose between either being together and having sex or not being together and no sex. Like there is no in between and he was forced into it. I think that's the thing. But I genuinely thought he liked me back then. Maybe everything was new and he didn't realise that he'd have many chances with other girls and that "going out" with me would ruin them since he's a pretty good guy and doesn't want to be morally wrong in any way. He still rubbed legs with her though lol. I think thats fucked. We're fucked. I'm fucked. FUCKING EXAMS AND I CANT DO THIS KIHLABA OR HOWEVERY OU SPELL IT EXAM UGHHHHHHHHH. Justin if you ever read this, you're insensitive and I hate you, but I also like you so much and I fucking hate you for making me like you. Screw you, cunt.
Tuesday 4 November 2014
I just have to be positive
I watched this video: https://vimeo.com/110125266, didn't even get a minute in and I realised that all I have to do to be happy in life is to just see the positive in everything. I've habitually focused on the bad things which got me down most days. There's so much good that life has in store for me such as roadtripping, travelling and adventuring. I need to stop being so negative all the time and just go out and explore. Who gives a fuck if it's alone, I'd still have fun then! I need to start photographing nature again too. That always makes me feel good.
Sunday 2 November 2014
Hi blog, nice font change. I haven't written in a while. I was quite happy to be honest. Almost forgot how sad I usually am. Thanks to Justin and going out every weekend I think. My psychologist reminded me of my shit life though. I started to remember and realise how things really are and now I can't stop thinking about my future. I really don't want to go on. I'm actually dreading it. Not looking forward to anything. I'm slightly fearful and scared too. Especially the socialising part. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with everything. Anyways, I'm sad again. Quite a lot lately. Partly due to exams. I don't even care anymore. It's like this every year. I didn't even study the night before biology. I literally had given up. I wonder what atar I'm going to get. I hope I make at least 80.
Ok so the point of opening this post up is because I wan't to vent about Justin. I thought that by asking him out meant that we are together and that he wouldn't do anything with other girls. But I have a feeling that he would/has. It's so easy for him to and I know that if I was in his shoes and some girl came up to me for a hookup or flirted with me, I would reciprocate. Having little affection from the opposite sex in your life does that to you. You don't try to stop yourself and you wouldn't consider other people's feelings. I try not to do that to Justin, like if guys flirted with me or whatever I would try to refrain from doing it back, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it and so that I know I'm not one of those types of people who would cheat or whatever. Ahh I don't feel like Justin's taking this relationship thing seriously. I feel like we aren't going out at all and that we're still simply friends. We even put an expiry date on our relationship. I don't think normal people do that. So around two days ago he went to a friend's house. Like around midnight, we texted a bit and he told me that there was just his friend, friend's gf and gf's friend left. I joked that he should get with her. I don't know why I do that stuff. I think because I want him to tell me that he wouldn't and make me feel wanted. I'm not sure. Anyways, they were all drunk and he told me she wanted to get with him. They were 'rubbing legs' apparently. I was so upset and jealous when he told me. I literally couldn't comprehend and I felt so sad and betrayed. I couldn't believe he would do that. And that night I could barely sleep, just imagining them kissing or touching. I tried so hard to distract myself; reading every single fucking post on reddit to exhaust myself, listening to old music with lyrics, and using all my mental effort to push out the 'what if' thoughts. Then in the morning he texted me and told me that nothing happened. Strangely though, he was super distant. It seemed as if he didn't understand what he made me feel and how hurt I was. Lately he's been like that too. I don't think he likes me anymore... or maybe he likes someone else. But I like him so much that it's bloody fucking annoying. Why am I going through liking someone who treats me like this or makes me feel this way without even knowing. I don't think he knows. He even said "you know when you do things to feel good just in the moment? well we leaned on each other to keep warm". Man I'm still so upset. Typing this still hurts. I can literally imagine it. Anyways, he hasn't been texting me back normally. Its like he ignores me and maybe texts after 5 hours or so. It sucks and I don't know why he's doing it. I've been telling him that I like him a lot and that I miss him, he says it back sometimes but it doesn't seem genuine. I really think he doesn't like me anymore. I even asked him about the texting back thing and he says that sometimes he doesn't feel like talking or texting. It's been this way for quite some time now and why would you even feel that way if you like someone? I know I used to feel too lazy to text him back but now I love everything he sends. I'm so confused. And sad. I want to know what Justin's thinking and feeling and I wish he would just tell me.
Ok so the point of opening this post up is because I wan't to vent about Justin. I thought that by asking him out meant that we are together and that he wouldn't do anything with other girls. But I have a feeling that he would/has. It's so easy for him to and I know that if I was in his shoes and some girl came up to me for a hookup or flirted with me, I would reciprocate. Having little affection from the opposite sex in your life does that to you. You don't try to stop yourself and you wouldn't consider other people's feelings. I try not to do that to Justin, like if guys flirted with me or whatever I would try to refrain from doing it back, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it and so that I know I'm not one of those types of people who would cheat or whatever. Ahh I don't feel like Justin's taking this relationship thing seriously. I feel like we aren't going out at all and that we're still simply friends. We even put an expiry date on our relationship. I don't think normal people do that. So around two days ago he went to a friend's house. Like around midnight, we texted a bit and he told me that there was just his friend, friend's gf and gf's friend left. I joked that he should get with her. I don't know why I do that stuff. I think because I want him to tell me that he wouldn't and make me feel wanted. I'm not sure. Anyways, they were all drunk and he told me she wanted to get with him. They were 'rubbing legs' apparently. I was so upset and jealous when he told me. I literally couldn't comprehend and I felt so sad and betrayed. I couldn't believe he would do that. And that night I could barely sleep, just imagining them kissing or touching. I tried so hard to distract myself; reading every single fucking post on reddit to exhaust myself, listening to old music with lyrics, and using all my mental effort to push out the 'what if' thoughts. Then in the morning he texted me and told me that nothing happened. Strangely though, he was super distant. It seemed as if he didn't understand what he made me feel and how hurt I was. Lately he's been like that too. I don't think he likes me anymore... or maybe he likes someone else. But I like him so much that it's bloody fucking annoying. Why am I going through liking someone who treats me like this or makes me feel this way without even knowing. I don't think he knows. He even said "you know when you do things to feel good just in the moment? well we leaned on each other to keep warm". Man I'm still so upset. Typing this still hurts. I can literally imagine it. Anyways, he hasn't been texting me back normally. Its like he ignores me and maybe texts after 5 hours or so. It sucks and I don't know why he's doing it. I've been telling him that I like him a lot and that I miss him, he says it back sometimes but it doesn't seem genuine. I really think he doesn't like me anymore. I even asked him about the texting back thing and he says that sometimes he doesn't feel like talking or texting. It's been this way for quite some time now and why would you even feel that way if you like someone? I know I used to feel too lazy to text him back but now I love everything he sends. I'm so confused. And sad. I want to know what Justin's thinking and feeling and I wish he would just tell me.
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