i cant have everything i want. i just have to remember that hes true to me. in every situation, he will be true to me.

i was good for a day. but i can feel myself sinking back.

Remember: don't tell him you love him or miss him first. You will just be rejected or ignored.

unloved. as always.

im tired of having to try so hard for someone who doesnt try for themselves. or maybe i just dont know how much he tries for himself and me.. just like he doesnt know how much i try for us. i feel like i have to stay positive and be careful what i say all the fucking time so that nothing goes wrong. i feel like i have to support him even when hes negative and even when im sad. i keep having to push my true words away and form something so fake but supports him which in turns supports me - because my happiness seems to depend on his. i wonder if he knows how much i have to try. he cant even send me some fake enthusiasm because its 'not him' but i have to be this entirely different person online most of the time. he doesnt know at all. i want to be supported. i dont want to carry anymore.

my anxiety is tiring

everyone is a letdown

i just want someone to help me. i hate feeling like this.

sad is forever.

sometimes all i can do is lay in bed listening to music while i wait for it to pass. i have to accept its all i can do.

nothing tastes good anymore

i feel the furthest thing from love. from him. i dont understand feel like he cares about me at all. hes made that clear. he doesnt care about my feelings. he doesnt trust me. he thinks hes going to hate me. he thinks hes better than me. he thinks im dumb and thick. hes said im useless multiple times. what am i doing with this person, holy shit. why do i give him the benefit of the doubt that he was stressed and depressed. no one has ever said this shit to me. i dont think ive ever talked to someone that has said and acted like this. such a hateful person. why am i not breaking up with him? what am i doing?

if he leaves me because he thinks i'm still like my past self, then i accept the end of it. because i know im not and ive done everything to try earn his trust and make him feel okay. i know what its like to be constantly anxious and paranoid about whether you can trust the person youre with or not. i try to tell him what i would want to hear. ive gone beyond what i used to believe; ive removed people from my life that meant little to me but were not a threat and wouldve still considered a friend. i made promises to not hang out with a guy alone, even if they were friends. i made a promise to not see sway if he came to melbourne, and i actually came to terms with it. i know ive been completely true to him and done the best i could. its on him if he breaks up with me. and from that i will learn and be okay. its on him. im true. ive changed for him. ive done everything.

accept. and let it go. be supportive even if its easier to be angry and sad. just accept it.  care less.

a post unrelated to boys.

im so stressed i feel like stabbing myself in the chest. ripping my hair out. or just breaking everything i can come into contact with. i just want to release this feeling of stress. theres so much of it in my chest, in my head. its strong. but i just have to keep going.

in a slump

feels like he doesnt give a fuck about me. doesnt want to see me. doesnt know how much i miss him. i just need to stop liking him so much. remove some of my feelings detach a little.

i just want my life to be over

i just want to die. i cry like every day. i feel so down and hopeless. im confused about all of this - me and him. i love him so much. but after today.. i dont even know anymore. when he refused to climb over a few rocks because he 'ceebs'. i want someone who is a bit more adventurous or does crazy things idk. he tells me to go where i want to and he'll go but he doesnt want to go where i do. theres no fun at all. he thinks walking forward on a track is the same as walking back because everything looks the same anyway. so boring. he doesnt help me when i told him how nervous i get when he doesnt say goodnight. i dont even bother him, i do it alone anyway. he says i just need to relax and believe in the relationship. do you think its that easy?? i feel so sex starved as well. im not satisfied. im also upset about how he lets his mum dictate everything. how we always have to be quiet. how i cant even sit next to him. cant even stay at his til late. also i like to drink. i like to do fun stuff. he doesnt. he tells me to just drink anyway even though he isnt. why would i do that.
i feel like theres more but im tired of explaining to future me who will read this.
i just feel sad all the time but i love him and dont want to go. i feel like we arent as compatible as i thought. and that these things will bother me in the future. i want fucken drugs too but he isnt into it. idk.
my conclusion is to obviously stay but take this relationship more lightheartedly and less serious. to stop thinking of the future and 'what ill be stuck with'. to view this us spending time with someone i love. but i will still do everything i want - just alone. this time though, ill love just him. i will just have fun on my own. go for my own walks. drink my own drinks. i guess sex might be a problem. i feel so fucked.. im just going to try relax one day at a time and not take this relationship as seriously as i have been.

i need someone with an interest in doing things. fun things. im tired of feeling like im missing out and growing old sitting in my room. i want someone to do these things with. someone to encourage me. and im not sure brandon is the right person for that.

not only is he not there for me, but he also makes me extremely sad. i really need to consider whether this is for me or not. i feel like my mind is being tortured.

loneliness hurts

having a tough day today. brandon doesn't know how sad i am, i wish i could tell him or have him understand so he can help me. but i guess i shouldnt rely on him because that hasnt worked out with anyone in the past. im not sure if its the fact i rely on him and he doesnt help that makes me sad or im just sad. i just feel super shit. like everything is wrong.

Justin is not my friend anymore

He deleted me off facebook and discord today. Facebook was alright. But discord... I don't know, that made me really upset. I guess it made me really feel like I was his friend. I really believed that he was just busy and that he'd hang out with me if he had time and once his girlfriend calmed down. I still considered him as my friend and a person who's important in my life. Even though he ignores me most of the time (which I just realised, now that I think about it), I always thought we could jump back into being close whenever and that I'd always be his friend.

But oh well. I'm okay about it now. I was really sad before.

hi. im back because ive deleted insta and my insta diary for the meantime. and i need to vent somewhere. im feeling like i want to go away from brandon. but i feel guilty because i told him i wouldnt. i just feel like following girls that post half naked/super sexual pics on insta is a massive dealbreaker to me. i definitely know i dont want a guy that does that. and i dont want to change him or even tell him that i looked through his following list. i feel ashamed. but i know its not what i want in a boyfriend at all. i do feel very trapped, yeah. i just want him to ask me whats wrong so i can tell him the truth - that this is a dealbreaker and i want to go because i dont want to invest more time in someone that would do this and who knows if something similar might come up in the future and i have to go through this again. i dont care if this means im insecure about myself and cant handle my person looking at girls on insta. im just not compatible with whoever does that. and i dont care if a guy that doesnt do that doesnt exist - i'll be happy on my own. because this shit is just wrong to me. i cant do it.

im going to write out my message to him. for when he asks or when i develop some confidence.

im ashamed for doing this, it was both insecurity and curiosity. and im sorry for this being a problem again but it affects me a lot and i cant just ignore it. i saw some of the people you follow on insta and im sad about the girls that post super sexual or half naked photos of themselves. theres so many of them too. i feel worse knowing that youve left them there after saying youll leave only the important people and it wasnt just during a time before me. i dont know, this has happened before to me so i know i cant deal with it. i want to try so badly to fix my thoughts and feelings about it and make it work with you because this is only one bad feeling compared to the many good ones you give me. but i dont want any bad feelings, especially not in the future where everything will hurt more because we'll be closer and itll feel too late to turn back. it even feels too late right now... which is why im so unsure what to do. its a dealbreaker to me but i love you. i guess i should explain why it upsets me so much. it actually feels like minor cheating to me. its way more personal than porn, you mightve talked to them before, its repetition of the same girls bc you follow them, its like looking at other peoples nudes when youre in a relationship, the fact that you follow them. i feel like is somewhat disrespectful and wrong. i feel so stuck.