he... doesn't love me (?)

i don't understand why he thinks he does when his actions are different. i'm just like a close friend to him. i think if our relationship was mirrored by others, it would be called a fwb relationship. my feelings are so jumbled right now, i don't know what to do. but i probably should study.

i miss music a lot. i think loneliness made me rely on music to keep me somewhat okay, and now that i have justin, i'm a little less lonely and music hasn't been that important to me. i must appreciate it more before i become one of those people.

he makes me feel unloved sometimes. he never initiates to do anything with me and he acts like he's forced to hang out with me to meet our minimum - which is 2 days per week. One of the days being only a half day. I love him so much, I just wish he loved me the same amount to actually want to be with me. I feel so unloved.

still lonely.

I am not ok. Please help. I feel everything on the negative spectrum. So many feelings right now and I'm scared. I just want to know Justie isn't doing anything bad. I need life to be alright for once. I really just need everything to be normal. I've made so many mistakes by not trying. I don't want to try to try anymore. My bones ache of worry. I want them to crumble and me to be in pain. Then justin will believe I'm in pain and not look down on me. I just want to go. I want to just combust into tiny little particles of dust and fall into many cracks and crevices and hide. This world is uncomfortable. It's a horrid place and no one who is not suited for it should be forced to stay here. I'm a piece of gum stuck to a shoe. Ruck metaphors. I can't stop moving my leg. It's like I'm on LSD and filled with worry. It's running up to my thigh now. I hope me and justin are safe. But then if we've made a mistake, I very very very small bit of me would feel happy we made a baby. I'm scared I won't be spending my life with justin after all and this is probably the only time id be able to make something with him. I really want to be with him forever. Even though I dislike some of the things he does, whenever I think of us living together as adults and happily married, I just feel so excited. He's someone I want forever but I'm not what he wants. He can't spend his life with someone who's sad all the time or won't try. Instead of simply being afraid of him leaving me for someone else, I'm also afraid of him leaving me for me. I need a new neutral heart. This hurts. I want to feel nothjng. I need to go and hide. The world is uncomfortable. I can't take it. Please help me. I don't know what to do. 

i feel so distressed. i can't stop thinking about him every minute and i just want to talk to him. 10 minutes has been literally a struggle today and i have had to stop my lecture a lot. my heart aches so much. i feel like im in agony. it sounds like such an exaggeration but i promise you, what i feel right now is scary and real. i just want him so bad. why isn't he talking to me. :(((((( ughh.

I hope we don't end up forever, but I do at the same time just because I know I'm too weak to survive without him. Hopefully I can replace him before we breakup.