I love Justin so much

I'm so happy to have someone like him. I feel so special and lucky. He makes me think things will be okay. I would actually die for him. 

I have Justin, but I still feel so alone in this world. I feel like he doesn't talk to me much anymore, less than 20 minutes a day and thats randomly. I wish he would put more effort in. I don't really know what to do. I have a boyfriend yet I feel the need to seek ANY friend. I don't really know what to do. I feel like this world is just not for me because I can't deal with things like these. It's just not suitable. I'm so lonely and the person that I love the most doesn't even try to talk to me. I don't really understand.

Experience of MDMA for the first time

Positive:

• Music sounds louder, can concentrate on the music and inhibitions lowered enough to be able to dance even in a public setting.
• Happiness
• Can talk to Justin about anything
• Loving Justin immensely (and my feelings have increased)
• Time appears slower as more things are crammed into the period (more conversations)
• Able to still make choices and withhold certain information, as well as carefully choosing words
• Can help Justin when he is upset
• Vision appears hawk-like after the 'trip'
• Confidence when walking around and interacting with people

Negative:

• Eyes shaking, cross-eyed
• Jelly limbs and cannot sit upright 
• Speech seems incredibly slowed when it is not really
• Sad at times (probably due to some conversation topics)
• Teeth chattering, clamping and grinding
• Comedown: A period of absolutely no feelings which lasted for around an hour (didn't know if I loved Justin or not, super confused), grinding teeth (approx. over 24 hours), desperate to talk to Justin and couldn't stop thinking about and missing him (could be because I'm now more dependent on him and the experience enhanced my love for him), tiredness and fatigue, no appetite (24+ hours), cathartic conversations in my head to 'Justin'  (still fucking going... I think I'm going crazy), craving for more MDMA, considering suicide from an MDMA overdose when I'm older.

I can clearly see that the negative repercussions amount to a number greater than the advantages, yet still the feeling is so good that I'll just have to deal with the comedown. It's only that that I'm worried about, especially having no feelings again. I was so confused, but I'll just stay strong and next time plan an MDMA day/s where I can receive comfort from Justin. 

Settings/events where I would like to do MDMA:

• With Justin (for close and intimate conversations)
• Post-rock gig (for the head-banging)
• Gig with upbeat/electronic/funky music (to dance)
• At a free house with Justin (so we can use the bed, of course)
• At a park (for the outdoor experience)
• With friends that are girls (may discuss different things to what Justin and me spoke about)

Overall, it was a really good experience and I would absolutely do it again! Thank god Justin has the drugs though, I don't know how he can control himself from taking some right now because if I had them at home, I would totally do them - even by myself. I'm glad I'm with Justin.

i love justin so so so so much. i'm so happy he is with me. he is the best thing ever. i feel so lucky

I love Justin and he is my boyfriend!!! Yay!

I love Justin. But I still want to die because I know he won't be with me for long.

I gave in! I replied to his text! God fucking dammit and now I'm going to be the sad one. I dont know what to do now. I guess I'll just keep being mean and maybe that'll make me feel better.

So I have so much more stuff to learn and here I am typing up a pointless little rant that will do me no good, except for the fact that I don't need to feel like a crazy person talking to imaginary people in my head about it. Anyways, I feel like Justin doesn't like me. He isn't sweet and affectionate towards me anymore and I don't know why. He sent me a text today.. I've been waiting for more than a day! It was impersonal and really distant. He wouldn't even send such a thing to a friend. It sounded condescending and motherfucking stupid. Out of all the things he could've messaged me, he decided to write "bet on a horse?". Who fucking asks that? It's something you ask when you have no idea what else to say or talk about. And why the fuck would I bet on a horse when I have two fucking exams the next day. Do I even look like someone who would bet on things? I'm fucking broke. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he even ask such a dumb as fuck question. He could've said he missed me, or how I was doing, or that he likes me, or that he's excited for me to finish. But no. He starts a conversation about betting on horses. I'm so mad lol. Fuck. So I read his text and didn't reply. It makes me feel less upset and depressed when I'm the one in the power and ignoring him. I literally felt so sad the past couple of days due to him giving off this negative vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me.. or that there's someone else. I teared up thinking about it every single time. And it didn't stop today either, until he sent me that text and I was like fuck yeah, I'm in charge now. So if I keep ignoring him until after both my methods exams, I won't feel too hopeless. Angry and mad, but not hopeless. I'm still pretty sad and down but I think I can make it. Being depressed just stops you from doing everything. Angry can still be ignored at times. I'm proud of myself for refraining replying back. I've tried to ignore his texts many times before but I could never properly do it. It's like I had to text back straight away. I like him too much and he does not deserve it at all. He doesn't love me. All those I love you's and I miss you's and I like you's were bullshit. I bet he's honestly just with me because I'm the one of the only people who's interested in him and he wants me for sex. Yes, I half mind but I don't know if I should pretend that I'm okay with everything because, hey, I like this guy and he is spending time with me to have sex. At least I have that? A part of me just wants for him to go away. But then I'll have nothing. I think the only problem is that he's dishonest towards me. If he could just admit that he doesn't like me that way and just wants to be friends with benefits or something like that. I don't know what I would say still. Am I that type of person? I guess because I was crushing on him, I made him choose between either being together and having sex or not being together and no sex. Like there is no in between and he was forced into it. I think that's the thing. But I genuinely thought he liked me back then. Maybe everything was new and he didn't realise that he'd have many chances with other girls and that "going out" with me would ruin them since he's a pretty good guy and doesn't want to be morally wrong in any way. He still rubbed legs with her though lol. I think thats fucked. We're fucked. I'm fucked. FUCKING EXAMS AND I CANT DO THIS KIHLABA OR HOWEVERY OU SPELL IT EXAM UGHHHHHHHHH. Justin if you ever read this, you're insensitive and I hate you, but I also like you so much and I fucking hate you for making me like you. Screw you, cunt.

I just have to be positive

I watched this video: https://vimeo.com/110125266, didn't even get a minute in and I realised that all I have to do to be happy in life is to just see the positive in everything. I've habitually focused on the bad things which got me down most days. There's so much good that life has in store for me such as roadtripping, travelling and adventuring. I need to stop being so negative all the time and just go out and explore. Who gives a fuck if it's alone, I'd still have fun then! I need to start photographing nature again too. That always makes me feel good.

Hi blog, nice font change. I haven't written in a while. I was quite happy to be honest. Almost forgot how sad I usually am. Thanks to Justin and going out every weekend I think. My psychologist reminded me of my shit life though. I started to remember and realise how things really are and now I can't stop thinking about my future. I really don't want to go on. I'm actually dreading it. Not looking forward to anything. I'm slightly fearful and scared too. Especially the socialising part. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with everything. Anyways, I'm sad again. Quite a lot lately. Partly due to exams. I don't even care anymore. It's like this every year. I didn't even study the night before biology. I literally had given up. I wonder what atar I'm going to get. I hope I make at least 80.
Ok so the point of opening this post up is because I wan't to vent about Justin. I thought that by asking him out meant that we are together and that he wouldn't do anything with other girls. But I have a feeling that he would/has. It's so easy for him to and I know that if I was in his shoes and some girl came up to me for a hookup or flirted with me, I would reciprocate. Having little affection from the opposite sex in your life does that to you. You don't try to stop yourself and you wouldn't consider other people's feelings. I try not to do that to Justin, like if guys flirted with me or whatever I would try to refrain from doing it back, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it and so that I know I'm not one of those types of people who would cheat or whatever. Ahh I don't feel like Justin's taking this relationship thing seriously. I feel like we aren't going out at all and that we're still simply friends. We even put an expiry date on our relationship. I don't think normal people do that. So around two days ago he went to a friend's house. Like around midnight, we texted a bit and he told me that there was just his friend, friend's gf and gf's friend left. I joked that he should get with her. I don't know why I do that stuff. I think because I want him to tell me that he wouldn't and make me feel wanted. I'm not sure. Anyways, they were all drunk and he told me she wanted to get with him. They were 'rubbing legs' apparently. I was so upset and jealous when he told me. I literally couldn't comprehend and I felt so sad and betrayed. I couldn't believe he would do that. And that night I could barely sleep, just imagining them kissing or touching. I tried so hard to distract myself; reading every single fucking post on reddit to exhaust myself, listening to old music with lyrics, and using all my mental effort to push out the 'what if' thoughts. Then in the morning he texted me and told me that nothing happened. Strangely though, he was super distant. It seemed as if he didn't understand what he made me feel and how hurt I was. Lately he's been like that too. I don't think he likes me anymore... or maybe he likes someone else. But I like him so much that it's bloody fucking annoying. Why am I going through liking someone who treats me like this or makes me feel this way without even knowing. I don't think he knows. He even said "you know when you do things to feel good just in the moment? well we leaned on each other to keep warm". Man I'm still so upset. Typing this still hurts. I can literally imagine it. Anyways, he hasn't been texting me back normally. Its like he ignores me and maybe texts after 5 hours or so. It sucks and I don't know why he's doing it. I've been telling him that I like him a lot and that I miss him, he says it back sometimes but it doesn't seem genuine. I really think he doesn't like me anymore. I even asked him about the texting back thing and he says that sometimes he doesn't feel like talking or texting. It's been this way for quite some time now and why would you even feel that way if you like someone? I know I used to feel too lazy to text him back but now I love everything he sends. I'm so confused. And sad. I want to know what Justin's thinking and feeling and I wish he would just tell me.

bits and pieces of what's left of Justin in my iPhone. I've deleted quite a lot.

so I met justin on Friday night. I wasn't nervous at the time.. not even slightly because I drank earlier. he wasn't what I expected him to be.. he was really small and skinny and short. if I had met him in real life before everything, I probably wouldn't be attracted to him. but I get nervous when I think about him and have this strong feeling of wanting to kiss him. he obviously doesn't like me anymore. our messages have become less personal, flirty and topics of love/sex don't make it's way into our conversations anymore. I feel like everything he says is forced and distant. like he's only speaking to me because he feels sorry for me and doesn't want to come across as judgmental. I'm thinking he's meeting up with me this Saturday out of pity too. I don't know if I should just be happy and greatful to be able to hang out with him or back off and leave him alone. should you hang out with someone you quite like (in a crush way) even though you know they don't like you and you're just letting yourself be more vulnerable and susceptible to getting hurt? I don't know what to do. maybe I should just hang out with him - to feel happy for the moment and the sad depressed me in the future can deal with those feelings later? should I meet him so he can have a chance to change his mind about me, which can turn either way - positively or negatively. he obviously doesnt think I'm pretty. he used to give me random compliments and now it's all agreeing with my negative remarks about myself. even in the photos I thought I looked good. sigh. no one will ever like me. I'm just going through another chapter of unrequited love. there's more to come. I just hope I get something out of talking to justin. I want more than friendship, he probably knows that but I won't get it. I like feeling sad about him though. it's something different, something other than my usual drifting-through-life dull confused feelings. why's it have to be this way. 

I now have this weird feeling in my chest about nathan. it's confusion mixed with a  hint of sadness and regret. just a hint though. a hint. 

so I just shut down all communication and connection with Nathan. I'm not feeling any sadness, a bit confused really. I don't know how to feel. yeah, he was kinda cool in the beginning but our conversations became extremely boring and neither one of us had much to say. I tried telling him random stories a few times or like basically make conversations but all he ever really writes back are different variations of laughs or one word answers like yes no and you. he kept talking to me every week though.  and I was usually excited to talk to him but once we got to it, nothing every happened. nothing interesting whatsoever. I'm a pretty boring person myself, I'd have to admit, but at least I actually attempted in steering our conversations in different places other than school, what we were doing, and the whole show-your-face thing. that was pretty annoying. I'm refraining from sending a photo because I know how it usually is when I do. I don't think I'm ugly.. to that extent? sigh. I can't afford to get hurt during this time. anyways, I deleted his number and forgot to save our conversation because my phone stuffed up. I guess it's for the best. as we said bye, he asked if we were actually going to do this. I, of course, could not eat my own words so I stuck with it. he said that he hopes I find my "dream guy" (oh please, I've found him, he just is totally out of my league and has a fucking girlfriend) and that I get my "90 atar". I hope so myself. I was going to say something nice back like I hope he makes it far in the Paralympics or some shit but I was a teeny tiny bit shocked that he didn't try to change my mind or whatever. I guess we were both sick of talking to each other and neither of us meant much to the other. I'm going to be pretty bored every weekend at night now!  Nathan was a bit cool and sweet at times. I don't think talking to him was a waste of time at all. he made me laugh a fair bit and I liked what I felt in those moments. just now talking feels like a bit of a chore and sometimes, you just have to stand back and realize what you're doing and how pointless it is becoming. so yeah, I AM sad it had to come to this because I thought we'd be friends or something but I think it was good that this happened. I hope he remembers me randomly one day in his life. 

So Daniel responded on tumblr after a posted a message for him. He didn't seem excited or happy to see it and there was literally no emotion in his message. He just recounted what he's been up to, wrote a bit about things I should do, shouldn't do etc. we're definitely not close anymore and I feel like I don't want to bother messaging him anymore if in the end, we've lost this whole connection. It saddens me tbh and I really was hoping he'd write one of those nice happy messages. Sigh.. Oh wholly two months does. 

My life is so boring. I can literally cry anytime. 

Everyone can be amazing. Everyone can be loved by someone, no matter how they look.

I'm talking to Nathan and he doesn't understand anything I'm saying about the night and the feelings you get. It's made me realize how much I miss daniel. He was the only one who got me and these feelings. I wish we still spoke. I miss out meaningful conversations about existence and life. 

So I asked Mac if he wanted to come to a pelican gig with me. I have a feeling he won't, as he's not into postmetal. I hope he really considers it and doesn't think that he shouldn't because he's my tutor. It doesn't even matter. It's not like real school where you can treat someone better than the other and interfere with sac scores and stuff. I really hope he decides to come. I find it easy to talk to him but when David's there.. I can't. I have no idea why. I think it's because of the socially awkward thing when there's more than two in a group. I need to get over that 

I can't get over this part of the conversation with Nathan. Yes, another omegle guy. But he's so normal and everything. Lives in williamstown, knows people from my school. We have 32 mutuals but unfortunately I hate all of them. He goes clubbing too and has cerebral palsy in his right arm and leg. That part always confuses me. Like he seems so cool and outgoing with all these friends and then just out of nowhere, he says he's disabled. Doesn't matter though. He's so nice and funny. 

So lonely. I want to help other lonely people. 

No one talks to me anymore. I think it's because of the way I look. And if they don't talk to me, I don't persist and resort to ignoring them. I am going to live a very lonely life. 

It's holidays! And I'm so happy. I feel a sense of joy and relief. I'm relaxed with little worry. I have two weeks to do homework.. That should be plenty. Plus I haven't got much anyways but should still do extra... Possibly ;) ahhh this feels so good. And when I finish some homework, I will feel like I've achieved something because no. I didn't need to do homework today but I took initiative and did it! One out of the way. I shall do methods today and finish it all so I can just practice my past chapters later on. Sighhh this is just wonderful. Oh btw I talked to a guy with the cutest voice yesterday. So hot. Like all the guys I've ever talked to; Daniel, Tom, Loc, Alex and one-time randoms, nicks voice is just amazing. It's not too deep, it's soothing somehow and makes me feel comfortable. Ahh I like guys too easily. 

sometimes I miss daniel a lot. currently playing: warpaint - stars. I wish I could go back and really tell him how I feel.. but then I wouldn't have known that I thought he was special to me. the only thing I can do is tell him now.. but I'm not brave enough. and so, I shall wait until one day he messages me. I will not give in.


4/10/2013 1:10:14 pm: Daniel: I don't want him to like you haha

4/10/2013 1:10:17 pm: Danica: :o

4/10/2013 1:10:18 pm: Danica: Haahaha

4/10/2013 1:10:31 pm: Danica: </3

4/10/2013 1:10:38 pm: Daniel: Then he'll take you away :(

4/10/2013 1:10:46 pm: Daniel: And he'll have you haha

Life

School is boring. I sat with this other group today and felt so out of place. I do not fit in with them, with anybody ugh. I don't think I will ever have friends. That's kind o what worries me... Having to work with people and sitting alone at work every lunchtime. I don't mind it, it's just that I don't want to appear that way. Like a total loser. But I guess I am 

sigh

So...
I feel empty again. Like I have no goals or aims in life. Sure I guess vce is kind of an aim but its not something I'm enjoying working towards. Anyway, the point of this rant is to notify you, future danica, that today I had tutoring. I was making conversation and asked him how adelaide was and who he went with. He said he went with his girlfriend. Oh lucky me. I'm in love with the most perfect guy and he so happens to have a girlfriend. Ugh fucking hell. I felt so disappointed. I could barely respond and all I said was 'oh cool'. I then tried really hard to forget about it but the fact that he had a girlfriend just stayed in my mind. I tried not to cry. She's so lucky. I hope she knows it. I would do anything to be in her place. She gets to kiss him, touch him, listen to him talk about his life.. And he LOVES her. Ugh. He chose her. His heart aches for HER and not me. She's so lucky. She gets to do everything with him. She's the one he think about all the time.
Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Sigh. And he's 26 as well. I hope they fucking break up. I really do. I'm so angry and sad and confused. I don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't try to get close to him anymore.. Not that it was evident in any of my actions. Sigh. Life is hard when you're trying to get by without the feeling of love being felt for you. When love is unrequited. And the person doesn't even know how much you love them.

It sucks when you have exciting news but no one to tell it to.

tom (OOPS FORGOT TO POST AND NEVER FINISHED IT)

tom called me yesterday at 4:41am. I thought he was Alex (the guy me and Brooke spoke to) because I was originally messaging him until I fell asleep and he had a similar voice so at first I was like 'oh my god did I fall asleep, wait why are you calling blablabla' but I didnt want to hang up so I laid in bed talking to him for a few minutes.. still trying to fully wake up. It wasnt until I looked at the number on my screen that I realised it didn't say Alex so it was someone else calling me. I sat up and was so confused that all I could say was something like 'wait who is this. what the hell. fuck' and hung up. He texted me all this weird shit like 'I am the father of your kids'. I was wide awake by then and picked up when he called. I suspected it was Tom because I saw his viber profile photo which was of a black screen. Anyways his voice was similar to what I expected. It reflected the way he typed back then. He sounds kind of like Jonah. Its funny though because the phone call to me didn't feel awkward at all.. even though he said pretty weird stuff like 'I missed you', 'youre beautiful', 'youre gorgeous', 'i want to have your kids', 'you have beautiful eyes', 'you're so smart'. in the beginning, I was just like 'okay then... ha' and then it became funny to the point where I would say it back to him. I called him beautiful haha. at one point, he was like 'i love you, do you love me' and I said 'i love you!!!'. he kept speaking slowly taking

i feel like im in a dream everytime i think about the fact that he leant me his cd's

wow

You may die in the RADIANS, says Laura.

Or whatever it's called. ;)

He leant me two CDs today after we got talking about post-rock. He saw the sufjan stevens and mono albums on my USB and was like 'I'm impressed' hehehe. I shouldve said 'good, I'm glad' hahaha. But anyway he doesn't like the heavy-type post-rock I'm into :'( ah well, who says that lovers need to share the same music tastes ;) haha kidding. Well he leant me to CDs and I'm happy. When we don't see each other anymore, I'll open my itunes and remember today. Sigh. Everything worked out so well and I realised that in my life, there is a balance of both happiness and sadness. Today was one of the saddest days, I couldn't stop crying. But then I saw mac and I became happy again. OR maybe all my days are usually sad and that little things just make me happy because I appreciate it more.

he is sick

Mac is sick and I don't know but I feel a sudden surge of concern for him. Creepy as this may (more like 'will') sound, I want to be right there with him and help him get better. He's so cute. He's never cut down a lesson before just cause he's sick. I'll laugh if he's not really and is maybe like smoking with his friends or something aha. But I really believe that he is sick and I want to go over there and bring him soup or something. Ugh. I wish I was more than a stupid teenager to him.

I don't miss daniel anymore. Yes, I do think of him from time to time. Often, even. But its not like my heart aches or I feel sad. I'm just neutral and curious as to what he's been up to. We've grown so far apart over the end of 2013 to now. What ever happened? Honestly. And he probably feels the same way about me. I'm fine with it. I don't care anymore. And I'm glad this doesn't affect me like it used to, or else I'd be even more sad. Ah well, thank you Daniel for being a part of my life (sounds so corny) back in 2013. Oh how times flies and people change.

happy

People said I seem happy at camp. Is that really how I appear? I don't try to display happiness, and can't anyways but in fact, I purposefully show that I'm sad.. Why is that no one notices? Maybe I do try hard to smile at things? Maybe because they had nothing to say about me so they just assumed I was happy. I wish people could tell that I'm sad.. Its such a lie that I'm happy. It makes me feel entirely lonely.. Like no one knows at all. Its the absolute opposite of sadness. No one understands me

I am so lonely

I just want to feel special and be the most important person to someone. I'm always the last choice, for everything. People who I thought cared about me do not. I'm always left alone. I feel like I have nothing again. I'm so sick of life. Why do I even have to be here? I wish we had a choice. Ugh once people find someone better, I no longer matter. I hope that one day I will find someone who loves me. I'm always the one who cares too much.. The one who cares more. No one knows how I feel. When I see actual actions of love anywhere (even on the street, like a couple genuinely happy and holding hands) I tear up. Oh how I long for something like that. To feel that way. My life is so empty. I literally have nothing to live for. I hope this changes soon. In a few years would be nice. Please. I'm tired of being like this. Having no motivation for anything, looking forward to nothing, coming home from school and talking to no one in particular, going to school the next day and talking to no one in particular. Wow my life is just absoutely great. I look forward to simply passing an hour.. Wow. Why is it like this.. I wish I could help everyone who feels like me. We could maybe be happy together. I hope there aren't much people out there like this. I'm sorry.

I feel so happy when I think of Tom and our phone calls. I don't remember much because they were all late at night (usually) and we could barely hear each other. It was like I was on a high. Anyways he's not one of those awkward guys which I like so much. He tries to think of stuff to talk to me about or random things to say and I love it. He's so sweet to, saying all these nice things about me that I wish was true. He makes me happy no matter what he says. Or does. ;) and when he laughs (probably AT something I said) It still makes me smile because he is so cute. He's going to rmit to do accounting. I think that's alright. Not particularly an attractive course but who am I to judge.

Anna left for vietnam today!

We were saying our goodbyes like multiple times and hugging it out in the house, then on the other side of the house, then in the backyard and finally, in front of the house. Surprisingly, on the last second of our final goodbye we heard firework sounds and I looked over and actually saw them! Usually you hear them and only see a glimpse but we had a perfect view. It felt like such a coincidence and as if it was especially for us. So we stood there, hugging tight and watching the 10 seconds of fireworks.

I only want when I can't have

As if he had read my blog, or seen the craigslist ad, or maybe even sensed my longing vibes to hear his voice and talk to him, he texted me. At 3am I received a text from Daniel. "Awake?" He asked, and to which I gave depressing replies, attempting to make him feel guilty and responsible for my feelings. He called me after and I was very happy. I was smiling and giggling. He struggled to say my name. The way he said 'soccer' was funny. He was always searching for things to say to minimize the usual silence that emerges in the period where a topic of discussion is discarded and a new one is searched for. He said 'hmm what was I going to say'. I was comfortable with the silence but he was obviously not. When we got disconnected, he reverted back to Kik. And this is where it all got pain-stakingly nasty. He immediately brought up the fact that he felt bad for my sadness and that he reckon he was part of the cause. It was true but I was angry that he was able to deduce such a thing from my tumblr likes and messages made me angry. How dare he think that I'm weak enough to let a guy ruin my vce. Its true, but I don't want him to know. Anyways he said that he was confused and shouldve went along with my feelings for him last year (which I keep denying.. I always do this). He also said that he doesn't understand me. I keep wanting to talk to him, hear his voice so bad but when it does happen, the feeling is just mehh and I don't even put in effort. Our connection has completely died, I'm sure of it. I didn't know what the hell to say on kik and it just felt awkward. We didn't say goodnight or end the convo. We left it there. I don't know what to make of it.

Coffee makes me write like a freaking literature author and so fast. God, words have never appeared so fast and sentences have never been constructed so well ;) kidding, getting a bit cocky there danica. You probably write like shit but this font is awesome. I should drink coffee/latte before I do my english and psych homework. Maybe tomorrow.

Its funny how you have no idea I made a post about you on craigslist for the world to see, daniel. I received so many responses. A few of them understood how I'm feeling and couple mentioned that they hoped one day someone will write something about them like that. You have no idea how special you are to me. Or you were anyways. I don't know about now. I miss the old Daniel and Danica. The two strangers who would go a week without messaging each other and finally when one gives in, it felt like we were as close as ever and could talk just about anything! Our songs, notes and phone calls were nice too. You were and still the only guy who I've spoken like a friend to. So what I mean is, we never hinted at anything sexual. We might have joked about us individually but never together. And I liked that. I was comfortable with you and I want to be again. But you're gone, and so have I. I'm not the nice person I used to be anymore. I'm not fun, nor happy. I'm sad, and not being in good terms with you makes me sadder.

I have no online friends left. Everyone has gone. Half of them because of my ugly appearance. I hate myself. The rest, I have no idea. I don't talk to chris or daniel or jay or idk anyone who I've been talking to recently. This sucks. Tonight has been the only night where I've had no one to talk to since exams. I feel so confused. I should make use of this free time by reading my english book but I'm so lazy.  I need to talk to people. Socially awkward female seeking friendly intelligent male. w4m

I've changed so much. I put everything off nowadays. I don't try hard anymore. My mind wanders. I think too much of unecessary things and so little of important school work. I'm very angry inside. And its starting to become visible through my actions. I feel strong rages and I want to punch things, sometimes even people. I cry easily again. Anything to do with unrequited love can bring me to tears. I like to feel sorry for myself. And finally I've become very socially awkward and filled with anxiety. I feel that there is no hope for me in the future. I'm afraid.

Its funny how you leave everything for someone cause you think you'll have then and turns out that they don't have the same plans as you and you're left alone again with everyone that you've pushed away gone. So many things relate to this but I guess who I'm talking about is tom. I spoke to him once that night and what do I do (?!), assume that he'll talk to me every night again. So I put less effort in brooke and alex; leaving them to chat while I listen and get excited for tom, ignore daniel's message for a few days and send a reply about not caring to meet, talked less to brooke, likewise with anna.. Idk I guess I can't deal with too many people and I just want to invest all my time into just one single person. So whoever I'll be with in the future (if I live) will know for sure that they can trust me and will have me whenever they want. And that it'll be only them in my life.