I promise that I will try really hard next year at school.
I will complete my homework and stop fucking procrastinating.
Maybe once in a while, I can laze about but I have to be on top of everything.
I actually enjoy all of my subjects, I just don't put effort in.
I have to work harder and get an atar of at least 75.
Doing homework is just once small step, I also have to prepare and study for SACs and exams earlier... not three weeks prior but from the beginning.
Once I learn something, I will continue to do tests and revise on it.
I have to do this.
I will feel like complete shit if I continue to fail all my sacs and exams.
I HAVE TO
Wednesday 13 November 2013
I feel no motivation for school. I feel no fear either. I was sitting in my english language exam and there was like 20 minutes left. I didn't bother to think hard and to finish my essay. I literally just sat there doing nothing but think about thinking. I dont even care anymore. I have a methods exam tomorrow and I'm not afraid. I dont feel confident about it, yet I'm just lying in bed. I just want to die. Thats all I care about. I guess, I have no motivation because i know I'm going to die. I want nothing from this world. I dont want to go to uni. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to travel. I just want to stay in my room. I was thinking the other day, maybe I could commit some crime so they could lock me in a cell. Life would be better there. I would be forced to do things. I wouldnt need to worry about money. I wouldnt need to worry about my future suicide.
Monday 11 November 2013
so daniel knows that I sort of like him. im scared conversations with him are now going to be awkward as fuck. and i hope that he's not weirded out. like, i would freak out if some boring little asian chick liked me.. wait no thats not the right comparison. of course i would be weirded out, i aint lesbian ya know. you know what i mean. anyway im just so glad i installed whatsapp. he's made me happy. even though our conversation wasnt proper since he barely replied or seem interested in me, im still happy. at least we spoke. its been so long, a whole fucking month. I want to ask him if he wants to meet in december. maybe just a hello, so that its not awkward. just a hello and bye or whatever. Im quite nervous. I dont want to ask and then change my mind. I'll think about this long and hard. but yay I can sleep at night now, no more staying up til 3am thinking about daniel and missing him.
L: It's raining heaps!
19 july
L: It's raining heaps!
D: Really? Its not here. Guess we are far from each other
L: Yeah it sucks. I wish you were a little bit closer.
D: none of my parents can cook very well.
L: hahah come live with me :P
D: not with that ghost boy
L: ill protect you remember
L: aww hahah. I think its cute how you get all scared
Sent from my iPod
L: It's raining heaps!
D: Really? Its not here. Guess we are far from each other
L: Yeah it sucks. I wish you were a little bit closer.
D: none of my parents can cook very well.
L: hahah come live with me :P
D: not with that ghost boy
L: ill protect you remember
L: aww hahah. I think its cute how you get all scared
Sent from my iPod
L: Hello Danica:)
22 july
L: Hello Danica:)
D: Lachyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
:):):):):):):):)
Happiness overload
L: hahah aw well aren't you adorable.
July 22
D: Now that after I told you about The Best Thing, I keep thinking that every song you tell me about has some sort of underlying meaning ahaha and 'walking disaster' lol
L: hahah no of course not!
D: hahaha yeah I'm just over-thinking
L: Although the lyrics at the start mention something about "an only-child to take the blame"
D: what about that? Haha I don't get it.
Is it me?
L: haha don't worry just listen. It's not meant to have any underlying meaning it's just a good song.
D: were any songs meant to have an underlying meaning?
Should I not get excited hahaha
Wait actually don't tell me
Nonoononono don't
Nevermind
L: But
Why not? Haha
D: Happier that way haha
L: Does that mean The Best Thing did have an underlying meaning?
D: I'm not sure
L: haha well just remember, I thought of you when I first heard it.
D: what about the other times? Hahaha
L: yes those too haha
Sent from my iPod
L: Hello Danica:)
D: Lachyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
:):):):):):):):)
Happiness overload
L: hahah aw well aren't you adorable.
July 22
D: Now that after I told you about The Best Thing, I keep thinking that every song you tell me about has some sort of underlying meaning ahaha and 'walking disaster' lol
L: hahah no of course not!
D: hahaha yeah I'm just over-thinking
L: Although the lyrics at the start mention something about "an only-child to take the blame"
D: what about that? Haha I don't get it.
Is it me?
L: haha don't worry just listen. It's not meant to have any underlying meaning it's just a good song.
D: were any songs meant to have an underlying meaning?
Should I not get excited hahaha
Wait actually don't tell me
Nonoononono don't
Nevermind
L: But
Why not? Haha
D: Happier that way haha
L: Does that mean The Best Thing did have an underlying meaning?
D: I'm not sure
L: haha well just remember, I thought of you when I first heard it.
D: what about the other times? Hahaha
L: yes those too haha
Sent from my iPod
The boredem is painful.
The boredem is painful.
The sadness is repetitive.
Is it enjoyable? Sometimes.
I like to feel sorry for myself once in a while.
But this is too much.
There is no balance.
Im stuck in this life that I do not want to live.
I have too many years before I die.
I will be waiting for too long.
This is what happens when you are afraid of pain,
When you are weak.
I just want to die.
Sent from my iPod
The sadness is repetitive.
Is it enjoyable? Sometimes.
I like to feel sorry for myself once in a while.
But this is too much.
There is no balance.
Im stuck in this life that I do not want to live.
I have too many years before I die.
I will be waiting for too long.
This is what happens when you are afraid of pain,
When you are weak.
I just want to die.
Sent from my iPod
I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak
I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak
This is going to sound contradictory to my previous memo but i feel like i have nothing to live for. I used to enjoy food as lame as it sounds but food used to make me temporarily happy and excited. I dont feel that way anymore however. Im half glad im not as weird but im sad that now nothing will make me happy but people. I need human interaction. I used to stop my depressing thoughts when i know my mum is making me nice food but now i can eat and cry at the same time. I can do everything and cry at the same time. Im typing this and crying. I dont want to be sad anymore. If im sad every day, what will happen to me? How long before this feel gets too much for me to simply cry when im alone and hold in when im out? What happens when even music has no effect on me? I have nothing. I dont know what im looking for. Maybe i should do something. I have to find my purpose.
Sent from my iPod
This is going to sound contradictory to my previous memo but i feel like i have nothing to live for. I used to enjoy food as lame as it sounds but food used to make me temporarily happy and excited. I dont feel that way anymore however. Im half glad im not as weird but im sad that now nothing will make me happy but people. I need human interaction. I used to stop my depressing thoughts when i know my mum is making me nice food but now i can eat and cry at the same time. I can do everything and cry at the same time. Im typing this and crying. I dont want to be sad anymore. If im sad every day, what will happen to me? How long before this feel gets too much for me to simply cry when im alone and hold in when im out? What happens when even music has no effect on me? I have nothing. I dont know what im looking for. Maybe i should do something. I have to find my purpose.
Sent from my iPod
Daniel just told me that he might be going to america for a year. I dont know why but I felt really really sad. I dont want him to go. This is so strange. Its not like we see each other often or anything and we can still text and talk through whatsapp, it'll be the exact same thing but the thought that he'll be so far away upsets me. He'll be a whole day behind me. A whole universe of time behind me. and so far away. Why do I feel this way? Why is it that even though he messaged me, I still miss him so much?
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