he would flip if he knew i was writing this stuff about him.

i just want to talk more. i want people to ask me about him. i want to tell people about him. i want him so much, i would give anything. i just want to curl up under his arms and hug him so tight. stay there forever. we can watch oceans 11 for eternity. i sound so creepy. but im just being corny and yeah. i do love him.

I just want to express my love for O so much but Im so bad with words. I just really really really love him. I want to read more about him. Im really upset. WHy did he have to stop talking to me. at first i was confused as to whether i actually liked him or not. now i admit it finally, after one year, I love O. even though we only had a few conversations. I love him. and it hurts. I would do anything for him, really. if I die, this blog will forever be on the internet. funny hey. my soul will sort of be alive and so will be my love for oliver. i wonder if when im like a 40 year old woman, i'd remember this. how i felt right now and how much I wanted oliver. im really scared of the future. i just want it to stay like how it is right now, even though my life is terrible. i dont know... im sick of life. i really want to die. theres nothing good in my life. my parents are alright, i love them but i guess, not enough to stay alive. my friends.. well can you even call them friends? i would say they're the people i hang out at school and sometimes out of school with because i prefer them over the other fucking idiots at my school. school i hate too, but im not as self conscious and constantly feeling anxiety in comparison to the real world. i really want oliver. he'll never like me. im just an immature (am i? i always thought i was more mature compared to a lot of girls at my school, but recently, i've come across some of their tumblr blogs and they're actually really deep human beings which confirms the theory that teenagers think that no one else in the world feels like how they do and will not understand).. ahem continuing on... unattractive (avoiding the word ugly because sometimes i think im ugly but there are times where im like hey im actually kind of pretty idk)... lazy, depresssing, stupid, insecure, awkward, antisocial, weird, sad, shy girl. im nothing.. but i want something.. oliver.

thoughts about O during bio study

I actually can't stop thinking about him, even though its been about a year now. Every time I think about him and certain parts of our conversations and details, I get this aching feeling in my chest. I don't know if its just heart palpitations or what but it hurts and ugh it makes me miss him more. Kinda funny cause I've never met him. I love how he actually thought a lot about me during that time.. calling me with a private number. Kind of low for a 22 year old but what the hell right?! At least they're thinking of you. He never called back after I picked up though. Could it be because of my child like voice? I always sound like a freaking kid on the phone. Awkward kid. I just really want to be with him. He probably deleted my number after I texted happy birthday and I didn't want to text again because once is enough. Maybe this is why I like him so much, because he doesn't like me. I think if a guy plays hard to get or whatever.. in his case: ignores you, I always think about them more and want to talk to them more. Its happened with at least two people. If I'm the person that sends the last text/message in a conversation, then I get really annoyed. Only if the message is a new idea though. So if he says bye, and I say bye last, then all is fine but if we're talking about, say, music and I say 'sorry I gotta go, talk later' and he doesn't reply, then I get really fucking annoyed. I do that to so many people.. maybe thats why they keep trying to talk to me. I remember faintly that I ignored a few of his texts cause I wasn't sure what to say. The one about him travelling. He wrote a lot too, I wonder how that must've felt. Wow, gosh I'm sorry. I probably didn't reply because my phone was new and I thought that I might waste my 180 dollars worth of credit. Now I'm just like yeah yeah. I think I'm really attracted to him also because of his intelligence. The conversations with him just flowed well.. as far as I can remember and he spoke so naturally and not forced. His intelligence was evident through his atar score and the uni he attends. For some reason it makes me happy just thinking about that. I really miss him and I just hope that someday we'll meet and he'd be as nice as he was last year. Where would I even see him though? Not at uni because I'm not smart enough to get in. Oh I'll just forever remember him. Its weird, he's probably forgotten about me. That's what everyone does. I remember he hinted about sleeping together hahaha, honestly, I would have said yes right then and there. Just for him. I dont even fucking care about this stuff anymore. I hate my life and I just want him. I hate everyone else. I have fucking nothing to live for. I remember the day when I thought I spoke to him.. of course it was Dave, but I actually genuinely thought it was him. No doubts. I over thought a lot of things Dave said and ugh, anyways, I was so happy that day. My life was great. I was experiencing what I reckon every fucking normal person experiences - happiness and bliss. I went to work that day energetic and enthusiastic. I fucking said how are you to everyone! I was so confident, it was like I took a drug. Is happiness a drug? Or maybe sadness is the drug here and I was sober in terms of drugs (I don't know the word for it). The feeling was great. No anxiety whatsoever and even though I was in pain because of my aching chest (??? shock??? stress?? love???), I didn't mind and didn't care. I guess this is what happens when you actually love someone so much. I think that its possible to love someone even thought you don't know what they look like and never met them. I just really love him ugh. If he ever reads this somehow... lol, sorry, I sound like a fucking mental case and so creepy. Im sorry but this is how I really feel. Also Im a bit desperate so out of all the guys I know, youre the most preferable. (and you're perfect)

V is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to drink it!!!!!!!!! Hurry up and get cold you douchebag! Hahaha. Ugh I use blogspot like its twitter. OH FUCKING WELL. I just wish I had people to reply back. Oh btw, I nearly cried like 5 times in psychology and 3 other times in my other classes today. I don't even know why! I'd look out the window and (sometimes) think of this "particular" person and I'd feel overwhelmed and my eyes would begin to water. Haha every time I think of them, I get motivated to do well in school but yet I feel extremely sad. ALSO I had to stop myself from laughing in english language today too. lmfaooooo I laugh at the most inappropriate and 'un-funny' (not even a word right?) things. I hope my facial expression didnt look too ridiculous then.. I felt my mouth twitching hahahaha

I find that when I'm happy, I'm more energetic and confident. Like, I remember the day (or should I say a few hours) after I talked to Dav#e/Oliv#er, I was soooo confident. I had long conversations with people, asked them how they were and spoke really loudly. Funny thing was that I only had 4 hours sleep too, yet I felt so alive! My chest also ached that day too because of my many mini heart attacks that night. I also feel really motivated to do homework when I think of O.. I dont like him or anything, I 'm so confused. I dont know whats happening and why the thought of him is motivating me. I randomly laugh when I remember something in our conversations too, while I'm serving people!!! Its weird. Its not like I dont talk to guys and have good moments lmfao with them. I bet his not even how I'm imagining him BUT WHATEVER thank u anyhow. I just wish there is something (that LASTS) that can motivate me.. a.k.a future lover WHERE the FUCK ARE YOU

i think i love a guy but i dont know what he looks like

why do I have to have a thing for older guys? they'll never like me.

so yesterday, I was on Omegle (yes... i know, why was I even on omegle?!?!? bored ok. bored person is bored) and I kept getting this drama queen guy I used to talk to. He didnt actually say his name but I could tell that it was him from the way he typed and some stuff he said were repetitive and were mention in our real previous convo (where he knew who I was and I knew who he was exactly). Anyways I wanted to catch him out on some lies because I knew he didnt go to the school he said he did and his 3/4 subject score of "43 on software dev" were no where to be seen. He also lied about his name in one of my pranking convos. He pretended he was a girl, then when I said I was F he was like "lol my real name is ... was kidding". I even pretended to be a guy once. It was hard because I really didnt want to talk to him but if I d/ced bc of his asl, then he would know it was me. So at like 1am, I went on my phone as usual and thought FUCK THIS YOLO NO ONES GONNA STAND IN MY WAY OF HAVING A GOOD CONVO. So I started a convo with a person who I thought was him but didnt care and typed normally the way I do. We didnt even mention asl and that made me suss bc he knew my asl. I ignored the fact that it was him and we had a greattttttt convo!!!! But then he mention "no fun" in a sentence and it brought back the memory of O, this other guy I knew. I knew it wasnt O bc of the way O typed but I wanted to scare him a bit by saying "do I know you" and making it seem like I knew that something fishy was going on. okok anyways this guy started making these weird allusions to my and O's convo. I mean, I didnt even care what it meant in his sentence but as soon as I saw those words I died. and died more bc i didnt know if the guy was playing a prank on me with some coincidences or if it was actually O. i was so mind fucked. never been that confused my entire life. i paid attention to every single detail. every time I realised something that reminded me of O, my heart would race and I couldnt breathe. LITERALLY. Im still having trouble now and I have chest pain :( god I think I'm dying for real bc of all this shock. Im still not completely sure if its O, probably is but doesnt feel like it.. he has done this cool-random-turns-out-to-be-him so many times. anyway i  slept at 7am yesterday/today and woke up at 11. Four hours sleep! (chest hurts every time i sneeeze) god this might be my last post EVA eva eva. nah but lol my mind was fucked