thoughts about O during bio study

I actually can't stop thinking about him, even though its been about a year now. Every time I think about him and certain parts of our conversations and details, I get this aching feeling in my chest. I don't know if its just heart palpitations or what but it hurts and ugh it makes me miss him more. Kinda funny cause I've never met him. I love how he actually thought a lot about me during that time.. calling me with a private number. Kind of low for a 22 year old but what the hell right?! At least they're thinking of you. He never called back after I picked up though. Could it be because of my child like voice? I always sound like a freaking kid on the phone. Awkward kid. I just really want to be with him. He probably deleted my number after I texted happy birthday and I didn't want to text again because once is enough. Maybe this is why I like him so much, because he doesn't like me. I think if a guy plays hard to get or whatever.. in his case: ignores you, I always think about them more and want to talk to them more. Its happened with at least two people. If I'm the person that sends the last text/message in a conversation, then I get really annoyed. Only if the message is a new idea though. So if he says bye, and I say bye last, then all is fine but if we're talking about, say, music and I say 'sorry I gotta go, talk later' and he doesn't reply, then I get really fucking annoyed. I do that to so many people.. maybe thats why they keep trying to talk to me. I remember faintly that I ignored a few of his texts cause I wasn't sure what to say. The one about him travelling. He wrote a lot too, I wonder how that must've felt. Wow, gosh I'm sorry. I probably didn't reply because my phone was new and I thought that I might waste my 180 dollars worth of credit. Now I'm just like yeah yeah. I think I'm really attracted to him also because of his intelligence. The conversations with him just flowed well.. as far as I can remember and he spoke so naturally and not forced. His intelligence was evident through his atar score and the uni he attends. For some reason it makes me happy just thinking about that. I really miss him and I just hope that someday we'll meet and he'd be as nice as he was last year. Where would I even see him though? Not at uni because I'm not smart enough to get in. Oh I'll just forever remember him. Its weird, he's probably forgotten about me. That's what everyone does. I remember he hinted about sleeping together hahaha, honestly, I would have said yes right then and there. Just for him. I dont even fucking care about this stuff anymore. I hate my life and I just want him. I hate everyone else. I have fucking nothing to live for. I remember the day when I thought I spoke to him.. of course it was Dave, but I actually genuinely thought it was him. No doubts. I over thought a lot of things Dave said and ugh, anyways, I was so happy that day. My life was great. I was experiencing what I reckon every fucking normal person experiences - happiness and bliss. I went to work that day energetic and enthusiastic. I fucking said how are you to everyone! I was so confident, it was like I took a drug. Is happiness a drug? Or maybe sadness is the drug here and I was sober in terms of drugs (I don't know the word for it). The feeling was great. No anxiety whatsoever and even though I was in pain because of my aching chest (??? shock??? stress?? love???), I didn't mind and didn't care. I guess this is what happens when you actually love someone so much. I think that its possible to love someone even thought you don't know what they look like and never met them. I just really love him ugh. If he ever reads this somehow... lol, sorry, I sound like a fucking mental case and so creepy. Im sorry but this is how I really feel. Also Im a bit desperate so out of all the guys I know, youre the most preferable. (and you're perfect)