I've been so unhappy lately. I'm so bored and lacking motivation for everything. I want to see justin but he doesn't want to see me more. Three days a week sucks. It just feels like I'm one of his hobbys, a lesser hobby too, with weekly scheduled days. I love him so much and I love this feeling of being able to give him my love but I'm also stuck in the aftermath of seeing him. I'm getting sadder and sadder the more I see him. It's like I'm getting more attached, yet he is not. At first I would get sad a day after I see him, then the night before, and now it's two hours before I part from him. I just love him so much but he's making me sad. Or am I doing this to myself? I really need to improve. I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I will try to read tonight. I will do some exercises. I can't go for a walk because I'm too self conscious  plus I need some sort of goal. I'll just read and exercise and stay positive. I'll do a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill. Yes. I'm just so negative all the time. I fucking have to stop. Writing all this makes me feel so much better. So when my mum comes home, I'll eat, watch half a movie, 30 min walk, exercise til my body aches, shower, face mask, read, finish movie and talk to justin whenever he messages me. :) 

Teary Justie

I told justin that I'm waiting to die and that I want to and his eyes went pink and he had tears in his eyes. I feel strange for still finding it hard to believe that he loves me even though this is some evidence? 

I'm so jealous of everything. This is really bad. Every girl justin talks to or interacts with, I feel uncomfortable. Obviously I'm not going to tell him what he can and can't do but it irks me so fucking much. I think I'm just really insecure that I think he'd leave me for any girl he talks to an he's someone who likes people really easy. I need to trust him somehow. Or I need to get more guy friends of my own to know that nothing will happen. I think.