i am so very lonely

my posts are so depressing. i hope they'll be something positive enough to write about but i guess i never think about documenting positive things that happen to me. i guess drearydreary was an absolute accurate name for this blog.

my arm looks disgusting

i wont cheat on you, i promise. im so sorry i even thought about it.

i was deeply considering cheating on him. he doesnt care about making me happy. he's always first and once he's done, im not cared for. idk i am so against cheating, why am i thinking about it. i shouldnt right? but why do i want to so much. i think its just to get revenge and hurt him for hurting me. ive tried to tell him about my feelings but he didnt reply. idk. if i cheat will i have to tell him? will it break us up? will he ever trust me again? what kind of a person would i be if i cheated? why do i not love him enough to not cheat? i am thinking about myself too but i have been uncared for for too long. im really sad. idk why he wont have sex with me when i ask for it. boyfriends are meant to make their girlfriends happy. its unfair for me to  always give and not receive

the more i am with him, the more i just want to cut. i not only feel lonely, but i feel like im not MEANT to be lonely but i am? its kind of scary. you feel unwanted, uncared for, unloved... but you know youre not meant to be. he is so selfish and mean. he has this way of making you want to apologise to him even if you did nothing wrong and he was the wrong one. i am really lonely.

I just really want to escape all this. I want vals and benzos and drugs and death. I don't want to live the life I am living.

cuts

it's a collection of times I feel sad.

I wish I could die 

I am making myself suffer by being with this selfish asshole 

Life is hard. I can't call him selfish because it was his choice to break up with me and I asked him to stay, so it's not like I can say "if you loved me, you would..."  This is suppose to be me changing, even though in a relationship, many people have to change. Not in this case though. He wanted to break up. So basically I cannot complain. I have to deal with this sadness. There's really nothing I can do. I just have to think of a plan to kill myself. I'm not really sure. I feel so trapped. Maybe that's why I just want to take drugs. I'm so trapped. 

I will not eat until tomorrow morning. No matter how hungry I am I will not eat. This is to torture myself and make me feel strong and powerful. A bonus, I will be skinny and thin. 

I'm tired of being stood up like this. Every single day. He doesn't even acknowledge that he is late and instead, denies it. I'm so sick of this. It just ruins my whole fucking day. I'm really upset. I hate him. Why am I with him? Is it simply because I'm lonely? I think it is. I only miss him when I'm lonely which is all the time because I've let myself get lonely. 

its hot outside and im sitting on my bed in relatively humid air doing long devision of polynomials and listening to code I - slide on home. i can hear children laughing and cars whirring past outside. i feel like i'm missing something/someone/some time. my thoughts keep bringing me back to justin but its not him - instead, i feel appreciative of him. i think i'm just being reminded of a time.

He doesn't care about me at all. Keeps making me suffer. I am really confused. My feelings are confused. Why do I love him and also feel such anger and hatred and jealousy. I'm constantly worried and paranoid, if not for the present, then for the past or the future. This is simply worry about him. He doesn't care. He just acts and forgets about him. He never wants to talk to me. I really want to die. Even he will not be a strong enough purpose one day. 

I have to stop loving him soon before I'm in too deep. 

One more chance. The break up will be hard - but I have vals. 

i have a feeling we are going to completely break up soon. i dont know if im half glad that it isnt my decision or not. i can't imagine him with anybody else. im scared to, i want him to have me and i love him. but hes so mean and stupid

hes out of my life but i am so sad. i need someone to comfort me

im so weak... i cant stay broken up with him. i always want him back. its bc i love him, but there are some things which are permanent that i dislike about him...

just try to be ok, ok?

did i cheat? i went on webcam and i flashed two people. i had no desire to see them. just for them to see me. i will ask justin tomorrow

i keep thinking about the valium. i want to take some so bad.

i want to break up with justin but i love him at the same time... he doesnt treat me right though

I just watch bad neighbours.. And it's weird, I kinda want to be something like that with justin oneday. To have a baby and be a family. To do cute things with him and our baby. Idk just to be an adult and do adult things. Just be a little happy family and have this life of my own with justin. 

i feel uncomfortably alone, i cant wait until i have drugs to make me sleep forever and forget about these feelings

we're not going too well. we fight a lot and mostly its due to him not being able to see me at the time we agree on... which leads to other fights. i try to talk to him but he just doesnt see or doesnt want to hear rather. we're not good, the sex sucks. i havent had good sex in weeks and he doesnt want to make me feel good at all. i'm definitely not going to blow him until i can see that he wants to make me feel happy. honestly, im sort of considering breaking up. its not going well, probably wont, and hes not the kind of guy/friend i want in my life right now.

he... doesn't love me (?)

i don't understand why he thinks he does when his actions are different. i'm just like a close friend to him. i think if our relationship was mirrored by others, it would be called a fwb relationship. my feelings are so jumbled right now, i don't know what to do. but i probably should study.

i miss music a lot. i think loneliness made me rely on music to keep me somewhat okay, and now that i have justin, i'm a little less lonely and music hasn't been that important to me. i must appreciate it more before i become one of those people.

he makes me feel unloved sometimes. he never initiates to do anything with me and he acts like he's forced to hang out with me to meet our minimum - which is 2 days per week. One of the days being only a half day. I love him so much, I just wish he loved me the same amount to actually want to be with me. I feel so unloved.

still lonely.

I am not ok. Please help. I feel everything on the negative spectrum. So many feelings right now and I'm scared. I just want to know Justie isn't doing anything bad. I need life to be alright for once. I really just need everything to be normal. I've made so many mistakes by not trying. I don't want to try to try anymore. My bones ache of worry. I want them to crumble and me to be in pain. Then justin will believe I'm in pain and not look down on me. I just want to go. I want to just combust into tiny little particles of dust and fall into many cracks and crevices and hide. This world is uncomfortable. It's a horrid place and no one who is not suited for it should be forced to stay here. I'm a piece of gum stuck to a shoe. Ruck metaphors. I can't stop moving my leg. It's like I'm on LSD and filled with worry. It's running up to my thigh now. I hope me and justin are safe. But then if we've made a mistake, I very very very small bit of me would feel happy we made a baby. I'm scared I won't be spending my life with justin after all and this is probably the only time id be able to make something with him. I really want to be with him forever. Even though I dislike some of the things he does, whenever I think of us living together as adults and happily married, I just feel so excited. He's someone I want forever but I'm not what he wants. He can't spend his life with someone who's sad all the time or won't try. Instead of simply being afraid of him leaving me for someone else, I'm also afraid of him leaving me for me. I need a new neutral heart. This hurts. I want to feel nothjng. I need to go and hide. The world is uncomfortable. I can't take it. Please help me. I don't know what to do. 

i feel so distressed. i can't stop thinking about him every minute and i just want to talk to him. 10 minutes has been literally a struggle today and i have had to stop my lecture a lot. my heart aches so much. i feel like im in agony. it sounds like such an exaggeration but i promise you, what i feel right now is scary and real. i just want him so bad. why isn't he talking to me. :(((((( ughh.

I hope we don't end up forever, but I do at the same time just because I know I'm too weak to survive without him. Hopefully I can replace him before we breakup.

im scared to lose justin because i love him but also im afraid of being completely alone. i will actually have no one for the first time in my life.

I am so lonely. I don't have any friends because I don't want to waste my time on anyone else other than justin. But justin doesn't want to waste his time on me. I am so so lonely. I know I will be like this in the future and I really hope I die soon. I hate this feeling. Its such a waste of money, time and effort keeping myself alive. I would almost give anything to not be in this world anymore.

he thought of me

im scared of losing justin. i dont know what to do. i am failing at life

Yeah.. me and justin are not compatible. We just don't agree and I see him as a little boy. He can't make decisions at all, his brain is slow, his always distracted. I want someone mature. I know people can't be perfect but all this just makes me so angry. He can't do simple tasks. He doesn't realise his wrongdoings. Like, he doesn't even think that coming late to me every.single.fucking. time. is wrong! I just can't take it anymore.

justie, i love you so much and i dont want to lose you to anyone. I want you to be completely mine because I love you. That's why it surprises me so much that you aren't that protective of me. It could be because you're a guy, I don't know. But every time we don't talk I miss you and have a hard time doing other things. I remember back then, I couldn't even watch a movie without thinking about you. I'm so selfish, Justie and I'm such a bad person. I don't want you doing anything else but be with me. I think about you simply going to work and I'm scared you'll forget me. You're out at Lukes right now with a bunch of other people and all these scenarios are going through my head. They're pretty bad and are similar to november. Ones even that you think someone is cute. I feel so jealous and sad. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself or if its because you broke my trust once and I can't get over it because when we had that talk about cheating, you didn't completely agree with me. I don't know what to do with you. I want to be with you because you are perfect to me, except for this problem where I can barely trust you. I dont know if I should let myself be in a constant torture every time you aren't with me. I feel like if this happens often, I'm going to kill myself. And again, I'm selfish and want you to know that it'll be because of you. I'm a bad person. You deserve someone better but I want you and I'm not going to let them have you. Fuck now I just feel angry at you. If you ever cheat on me (cheat under my definition) I'm going to fucking do something so bad you'll regret it. I wonder if I'll die from suicide with cheating being the trigger. Anyways fuck you justin for ruining my ability to trust you. And fuck me for being me. I hate myself so much and I can't believe I just said that to "you". I'm cruel, I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve this life, this environment..etc but I'm going to take it for now. And you have no idea what kind of a person your girlfriend is. I'm so sorry. I think I should just kill myself. Such a person cannot live in this world. Fuck. I never realised how much I hate myself.

hi. so justin is out at his friend's house, having dinner with like 10 people. idk why I'm so paranoid and scared of him cheating on me. even the thought of him flirting with some other girl or sharing some sort of connection with other girls scare me. I can't concentrate at all and havent been concentrating since i woke up at 2. i'm so scared and i actually feel stressed out. he doesn't text me back often either. i want to ask him to text me back once in a while but i can never let him know that im this paranoid when he does things other than hang with me. im so scared. i feel selfish for getting internally sad when i find out hes going to hang with other people and secretly hope that he doesnt have fun. what sort of a girlfriend am i. idk why i cant trust him already. i think its because of november. i wish that never happened, then i could just be normal. this feeling right now is horrible. i just want tonight to be over and receieve a text from him already. i dont want him to get drunk or tipsy and sit next to a girl and think dirty thoughts or touch her. ugh idk what to doooo. im so stuck. i hope he tells me nothing happened. i hope he loves me enough. this is why i want to die, i cant take stuff like this. honestly this is what im most afraid of. i could probably say that my greatest fear is to have justin cheat on me. and my definition of cheating encompasses a fucking lot. ah. i just want to die. i want drugs to make me happy at times like this. i dont think writing it out helps at all. im just getting more and more scared. i really hope he texts me soon. its 10pm already and i havent heard from him since 5:35. i feel jealous for him easily spending time with other people until 10 when he would easily leave me and go home other days. i really dont want to be an annoying girlfriend but im so tempted to just blow up his phone and get an answer. i think i'm gonna tell him that i was worried he'll do something bad. its best if he knows. i dont want to have to fake interest and play off my paranoid questions as some conversational thing. oh my god im scared

I dont know what to do with Justin. I dont think I am shallow for wanting him to have a better and more healthy body. Am I? I just dont want to feel a little less attracted to him.. I know I could love him so much more. I keep making him sad by talking about this in a very ineffective way. And for some reason I just let myself be mean. Its like I am sick of him not realising what he's doing to himself and also me and I want to treat him like a fucking adult. Maybe I shouldnt be too blunt because I wouldnt want him doing that to me. I'm so mean. I dont deserve Justie

I like when he pauses and looks at me, then makes an 'mmm' sound and I can hear him smiling and hugs me and tells me he loves me.

What's really strange is that I feel so sad but then I don't care anymore. Am I afraid to lose him or not? Does breaking up with justin even matter to me? I think I'll be devastated, yes, but I know we'll break up eventually. There are things that prove we're incompatible. Habits he has which I dislike. And then there's the thought that there are so many girls out there for him who are way better than me. I'm actually not good at all. I'm very suited to death. I just can't wait for the day where everything that makes me sad is gone. And I'm probably just in a IDC mood because justin wants to talk to me and I'm ignoring him. It's for the best. I need him to know that seeing him angry at me makes me really sad. I don't like to be treated as if I'm annoying. But idk I do love him. Ugh idk what I'm saying anymore

I'm trusting him completely.

The feeling of trusting someone so fully is really strange. I'm a little on edge for now but I feel like a weight has been lifted. My heart feels spacious and open.

I woke up today and no longer feel entirely connected to justin. We're still together but only connected by threads or something. It's not like we were a close covalent bond before. It's a really strange feeling; I'm not alone but I am alone. Almost like I'm single but I still have someone for now and the more I think about how not close we are, the more distant it actually feels. He's made me love him less and it sucks. The love I felt then was extremely strong, I thought about forever almost every day and I wanted forever to happen. Now that I know he thinks something 'wrong' (including those little things not worth mentioning) will happen eventually, forever is dissolving and my love for him has lessened. I feel almost no anger, I feel sad and hopeless. Apparently these things are bound to happen.. But why can't he stop it. How am I so certain I won't do anything wrong when he's certain that oneday it'll happen? I feel like I'm about to lose something due to me out-growing it or like, I've just learnt that it's mainstream and don't want it anymore. Bad metaphors. I can't believe I'm barely feeling love for Justin. I want to love him again. Hopefully his voice will make me love him. 

I seem to always be unsatisfied sexually with justin. I don't want to ask him to do things to me because it becomes needy and I want him to want to do things to me more. I tried guiding his hands but he just never got the message. We always do things that are good for him and rarely ever for me anymore. I wonder if back then when he sometimes would do things for me, if it was just because it somehow benefitted him. Not sure in what particular way but maybe he just wanted to explore and now he's bored of it. I get bored of blowjobs but I always do it for him. It really is so unfair. I don't know if in relationships there always has to be a giver and a receiver. Why can't we both be equal. I want things too. Just because I never did in the beginning and never touch myself does not mean that I don't want things. I wish he knew.

i had sex twice today with justin. its not as good as you think. its pretty disappointing. glad it was with him though, hes cute. im a bit sad.

I love Justin! I really do love him. He makes me so fucking happy. He incidentally had to stay over last night because it was too late for him to go home. And all I could think about when I was in my room was that he was actually only a few feet away from me sleeping. I wanted to sneak out there and curl into his chest. In the morning when I finally decided to go check on him, seeing him standing there with his cute green tshirt and messy soft hair made me so happy. I wonder how it would feel to actually wake up to him next to me. I'm sort of excited for the future. I hope Justin is a big part of it for a while.

I've been so unhappy lately. I'm so bored and lacking motivation for everything. I want to see justin but he doesn't want to see me more. Three days a week sucks. It just feels like I'm one of his hobbys, a lesser hobby too, with weekly scheduled days. I love him so much and I love this feeling of being able to give him my love but I'm also stuck in the aftermath of seeing him. I'm getting sadder and sadder the more I see him. It's like I'm getting more attached, yet he is not. At first I would get sad a day after I see him, then the night before, and now it's two hours before I part from him. I just love him so much but he's making me sad. Or am I doing this to myself? I really need to improve. I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I will try to read tonight. I will do some exercises. I can't go for a walk because I'm too self conscious  plus I need some sort of goal. I'll just read and exercise and stay positive. I'll do a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill. Yes. I'm just so negative all the time. I fucking have to stop. Writing all this makes me feel so much better. So when my mum comes home, I'll eat, watch half a movie, 30 min walk, exercise til my body aches, shower, face mask, read, finish movie and talk to justin whenever he messages me. :) 

Teary Justie

I told justin that I'm waiting to die and that I want to and his eyes went pink and he had tears in his eyes. I feel strange for still finding it hard to believe that he loves me even though this is some evidence? 

I'm so jealous of everything. This is really bad. Every girl justin talks to or interacts with, I feel uncomfortable. Obviously I'm not going to tell him what he can and can't do but it irks me so fucking much. I think I'm just really insecure that I think he'd leave me for any girl he talks to an he's someone who likes people really easy. I need to trust him somehow. Or I need to get more guy friends of my own to know that nothing will happen. I think.