the more i am with him, the more i just want to cut. i not only feel lonely, but i feel like im not MEANT to be lonely but i am? its kind of scary. you feel unwanted, uncared for, unloved... but you know youre not meant to be. he is so selfish and mean. he has this way of making you want to apologise to him even if you did nothing wrong and he was the wrong one. i am really lonely.

I just really want to escape all this. I want vals and benzos and drugs and death. I don't want to live the life I am living.

cuts

it's a collection of times I feel sad.

I wish I could die 

I am making myself suffer by being with this selfish asshole 

Life is hard. I can't call him selfish because it was his choice to break up with me and I asked him to stay, so it's not like I can say "if you loved me, you would..."  This is suppose to be me changing, even though in a relationship, many people have to change. Not in this case though. He wanted to break up. So basically I cannot complain. I have to deal with this sadness. There's really nothing I can do. I just have to think of a plan to kill myself. I'm not really sure. I feel so trapped. Maybe that's why I just want to take drugs. I'm so trapped. 

I will not eat until tomorrow morning. No matter how hungry I am I will not eat. This is to torture myself and make me feel strong and powerful. A bonus, I will be skinny and thin. 

I'm tired of being stood up like this. Every single day. He doesn't even acknowledge that he is late and instead, denies it. I'm so sick of this. It just ruins my whole fucking day. I'm really upset. I hate him. Why am I with him? Is it simply because I'm lonely? I think it is. I only miss him when I'm lonely which is all the time because I've let myself get lonely. 

its hot outside and im sitting on my bed in relatively humid air doing long devision of polynomials and listening to code I - slide on home. i can hear children laughing and cars whirring past outside. i feel like i'm missing something/someone/some time. my thoughts keep bringing me back to justin but its not him - instead, i feel appreciative of him. i think i'm just being reminded of a time.