I'm talking to Nathan and he doesn't understand anything I'm saying about the night and the feelings you get. It's made me realize how much I miss daniel. He was the only one who got me and these feelings. I wish we still spoke. I miss out meaningful conversations about existence and life. 

sometimes I miss daniel a lot. currently playing: warpaint - stars. I wish I could go back and really tell him how I feel.. but then I wouldn't have known that I thought he was special to me. the only thing I can do is tell him now.. but I'm not brave enough. and so, I shall wait until one day he messages me. I will not give in.


4/10/2013 1:10:14 pm: Daniel: I don't want him to like you haha

4/10/2013 1:10:17 pm: Danica: :o

4/10/2013 1:10:18 pm: Danica: Haahaha

4/10/2013 1:10:31 pm: Danica: </3

4/10/2013 1:10:38 pm: Daniel: Then he'll take you away :(

4/10/2013 1:10:46 pm: Daniel: And he'll have you haha

so daniel knows that I sort of like him. im scared conversations with him are now going to be awkward as fuck. and i hope that he's not weirded out. like, i would freak out if some boring little asian chick liked me.. wait no thats not the right comparison. of course i would be weirded out, i aint lesbian ya know. you know what i mean. anyway im just so glad i installed whatsapp. he's made me happy. even though our conversation wasnt proper since he barely replied or seem interested in me, im still happy. at least we spoke. its been so long, a whole fucking month. I want to ask him if he wants to meet in december. maybe just a hello, so that its not awkward. just a hello and bye or whatever. Im quite nervous. I dont want to ask and then change my mind. I'll think about this long and hard. but yay  I can sleep at night now, no more staying up til 3am thinking about daniel and missing him.

he said he knows one person in america.. someone he has always spoken to from omegle. I feel really jealous. I thought that I was the only person he spoke to from omegle. That I was his. Fuck this fucking shit

Daniel just told me that he might be going to america for a year. I dont know why but I felt really really sad. I dont want him to go. This is so strange. Its not like we see each other often or anything and we can still text and talk through whatsapp, it'll be the exact same thing but the thought that he'll be so far away upsets me. He'll be a whole day behind me. A whole universe of time behind me. and so far away. Why do I feel this way? Why is it that even though he messaged me, I still miss him so much?

“And I think the first sign you notice when you begin to gain feelings towards a person, is just how easily you get jealous when they give others the attention which you crave.”

daniel I miss (talking to) you so much, I can barely concentrate on anything. I think about you every second of every day, even when I'm doing my further practice tests and its so annoying but I cant help it. I want to message you but I dont want to annoy you. I hate this feeling. I understand everything now. I never realised that you liked me back then. I always thought you were talking about friendship rather than the whole romantic boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I was so stupid and ignorant. I reread all our conversations and realised that you tried to be sweet in many ways but I just never thought about it much. every time you mentioned physical attraction and that you liked me or whatever, i never understood. but now I do, and its too late because I told you that I didnt like you that way. :( im dumb

I think I've lost daniel.

I tried to speak to him last night. We said a few words and then our conversation just stopped. I'm always too nervous to message him. Thinking that he'd be out or have better and more interesting things to do. of course he would and he's just being polite by telling me to message him anytime. He said last night that he thought that we were done, even though only a few days passed. Maybe thats a hint, that he's sick of my facelessness, is bored of me and doesnt want to speak to me anymore. Even after we stopped talking, he didnt check back, while I pretty much lingered on whatsapp waiting for him to say something else like he always does when I get stuck for about 20 to 30 minutes. I dont think he likes me anymore. Or maybe there's some girl he likes. He told me once that when  people get boyfriends or girlfriends, they rarely ever talk to people of opposite sex. Maybe thats why. I'm pretty upset about this. I really enjoyed talking to him. But I'm probably just thinking of the good conversations and not the bad awkward boring ones. You can only have good conversations for a short amount of time. They'll end up fucking shit in the end.

I do miss talking to him though. I guess I'm just going to try to forget about him and see what happens. If he messages me, then I'll know he wants to talk. Just like ***, if he doesnt, then i'll take that as a message that we're done with everything. I'll give it two months, like last time.

I had the chance to see Daniel without him knowing it was me yesterday at RMIT uni, but I didn't. I hope that he knows that he actually means something to me (whether a lot or a bit, I'm unsure) and that I kept this promise to not see him to prove that I actually really want to savour and keep the relationship and connection we have between us right now. It's not just a thing I do at night - talking to him - to keep be from being bored. I think I consider him as a friend. I don't understand why I don't like him though. I always thought that I would end up liking anyone who's nice to me. It would be cool if I liked him that way, then every morning I wake up, I would feel confident and happy. I mean, I love talking to him, but its just temporary happiness. I dont know why. I think it's cause we talk so normal. If we were a bit more affectionate hahaha, it might be different. I feel strange being affectionate to him though. Its not because he's 21... oh wait maybe it is! But there was oliver and lachy and mac. I have no idea anymore. Lachy never seemed 19-ish to me. he seemed younger than me haha, which is why every time he mentioned driving home from work or sitting in his car or swerving because a car in front of him braked abruptly, it shocked me and 'woke' me up sorta. Anyays, this post was meant to be about daniel, and there i go again talking about lachy. he doesn't even talk to me anymore hahahahah fuck my life

im in a bad melancholy mood today :( even though i spoke to him yesterday. guess i dont like him that way then. i dont know. im so confused. my heart doesnt ache like it usually does. when you like someone in a more-than-friendship way, your heart is meant to ache right? I wonder why when I spoke to Dave and thought he was Oliver, I was extremely happy and confident the next day. I was at my highest, yet after speaking to Daniel, the happiness only lasted for about four hours, even though the call was much much more significant and worth more than a simple chat on Kik. anyway, Im so bored with life, as always and I'm hopeless with socialising ... even basically communicating with people. I cant imagine what I would do in the future. I just hate thinking about it. Who knew that I would constantly worry about this.

la call

So I called Daniel today haha... I was excited and nervous the whole day and because Louise was meeting up with Claude and I was excited for that too, I was FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT.. too much, so it seems, that I had to ~let it all out~ mid-call. I literally gave a long and lengthy groan/cry while I was talking to him. I regret it so much now, embarrassing. I think he asked if I was alright after that hahah but then he texted me saying that he thought I was just laughing. Anyways, I can barely remember what I said during the conversation because I was so nervous. I kept accidentally speaking over him and I went blank a couple of times. I couldnt hear him properly either. I still cant believe we spoke. I mean, all those long nights we stayed up until 5am talking about life, those songs I shared with him, those notes we wrote for each other and me constantly refusing to show him what I look like, now he is one step closer. How long has it been since I first spoke to him? Seven months? I think he's the person that I've kept in contact with for the longest time after meeting online! anyways (im terrible with writing, everything right now is so forced, i talk like an idiot) here are some parts of our convo that I remember. i apologise (to... future danica? hello? anybody?) if my sentences appear to be that of a twelve year old's...

• Daniel told me after the call that he was taking a shower and heard his phone ring. He panicked and ran out to pick up... you know what that means right? I spoke to him while he was naked. I could not feel more uncomfortable when I think about that. As if he didn't feel weird as well! I don't think I could ever be on the phone to someone whist in my birthday suit ahah. 
• He stuffed up his sentences in the beginning and said something like 'argh cant speak'. I found that so funny and cute aha
• He asked me so many questions about my day and I kept repeating "good thanks" >_> -_- >.< -.- T.T =.=" I am a fucking idiot
• He asked if I was with my 'friends' or so I heard and I was like 'yeah I'm with my friends'. Then I realised that I was only sitting with Brooke ahhaha so I gave her an exaggerating *look at all me fwends around me* gesture.
• He asked if I was walking home, I told him that I was at the bus stop then tried to speak more lol so I mentioned that my walk home only takes 10 minutes. Useless information. Boring danica.
• He DIDNT say my name :'( crey ever tiem. I said his though hehehe - flirting since '96, lol kidding I wasnt even.

ok thats all for now, cbf