everyone is a letdown

i just want someone to help me. i hate feeling like this.

sad is forever.

sometimes all i can do is lay in bed listening to music while i wait for it to pass. i have to accept its all i can do.

nothing tastes good anymore

i feel the furthest thing from love. from him. i dont understand feel like he cares about me at all. hes made that clear. he doesnt care about my feelings. he doesnt trust me. he thinks hes going to hate me. he thinks hes better than me. he thinks im dumb and thick. hes said im useless multiple times. what am i doing with this person, holy shit. why do i give him the benefit of the doubt that he was stressed and depressed. no one has ever said this shit to me. i dont think ive ever talked to someone that has said and acted like this. such a hateful person. why am i not breaking up with him? what am i doing?

if he leaves me because he thinks i'm still like my past self, then i accept the end of it. because i know im not and ive done everything to try earn his trust and make him feel okay. i know what its like to be constantly anxious and paranoid about whether you can trust the person youre with or not. i try to tell him what i would want to hear. ive gone beyond what i used to believe; ive removed people from my life that meant little to me but were not a threat and wouldve still considered a friend. i made promises to not hang out with a guy alone, even if they were friends. i made a promise to not see sway if he came to melbourne, and i actually came to terms with it. i know ive been completely true to him and done the best i could. its on him if he breaks up with me. and from that i will learn and be okay. its on him. im true. ive changed for him. ive done everything.

accept. and let it go. be supportive even if its easier to be angry and sad. just accept it.  care less.

a post unrelated to boys.

im so stressed i feel like stabbing myself in the chest. ripping my hair out. or just breaking everything i can come into contact with. i just want to release this feeling of stress. theres so much of it in my chest, in my head. its strong. but i just have to keep going.

in a slump