justie, i love you so much and i dont want to lose you to anyone. I want you to be completely mine because I love you. That's why it surprises me so much that you aren't that protective of me. It could be because you're a guy, I don't know. But every time we don't talk I miss you and have a hard time doing other things. I remember back then, I couldn't even watch a movie without thinking about you. I'm so selfish, Justie and I'm such a bad person. I don't want you doing anything else but be with me. I think about you simply going to work and I'm scared you'll forget me. You're out at Lukes right now with a bunch of other people and all these scenarios are going through my head. They're pretty bad and are similar to november. Ones even that you think someone is cute. I feel so jealous and sad. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself or if its because you broke my trust once and I can't get over it because when we had that talk about cheating, you didn't completely agree with me. I don't know what to do with you. I want to be with you because you are perfect to me, except for this problem where I can barely trust you. I dont know if I should let myself be in a constant torture every time you aren't with me. I feel like if this happens often, I'm going to kill myself. And again, I'm selfish and want you to know that it'll be because of you. I'm a bad person. You deserve someone better but I want you and I'm not going to let them have you. Fuck now I just feel angry at you. If you ever cheat on me (cheat under my definition) I'm going to fucking do something so bad you'll regret it. I wonder if I'll die from suicide with cheating being the trigger. Anyways fuck you justin for ruining my ability to trust you. And fuck me for being me. I hate myself so much and I can't believe I just said that to "you". I'm cruel, I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve this life, this environment..etc but I'm going to take it for now. And you have no idea what kind of a person your girlfriend is. I'm so sorry. I think I should just kill myself. Such a person cannot live in this world. Fuck. I never realised how much I hate myself.

hi. so justin is out at his friend's house, having dinner with like 10 people. idk why I'm so paranoid and scared of him cheating on me. even the thought of him flirting with some other girl or sharing some sort of connection with other girls scare me. I can't concentrate at all and havent been concentrating since i woke up at 2. i'm so scared and i actually feel stressed out. he doesn't text me back often either. i want to ask him to text me back once in a while but i can never let him know that im this paranoid when he does things other than hang with me. im so scared. i feel selfish for getting internally sad when i find out hes going to hang with other people and secretly hope that he doesnt have fun. what sort of a girlfriend am i. idk why i cant trust him already. i think its because of november. i wish that never happened, then i could just be normal. this feeling right now is horrible. i just want tonight to be over and receieve a text from him already. i dont want him to get drunk or tipsy and sit next to a girl and think dirty thoughts or touch her. ugh idk what to doooo. im so stuck. i hope he tells me nothing happened. i hope he loves me enough. this is why i want to die, i cant take stuff like this. honestly this is what im most afraid of. i could probably say that my greatest fear is to have justin cheat on me. and my definition of cheating encompasses a fucking lot. ah. i just want to die. i want drugs to make me happy at times like this. i dont think writing it out helps at all. im just getting more and more scared. i really hope he texts me soon. its 10pm already and i havent heard from him since 5:35. i feel jealous for him easily spending time with other people until 10 when he would easily leave me and go home other days. i really dont want to be an annoying girlfriend but im so tempted to just blow up his phone and get an answer. i think i'm gonna tell him that i was worried he'll do something bad. its best if he knows. i dont want to have to fake interest and play off my paranoid questions as some conversational thing. oh my god im scared

I dont know what to do with Justin. I dont think I am shallow for wanting him to have a better and more healthy body. Am I? I just dont want to feel a little less attracted to him.. I know I could love him so much more. I keep making him sad by talking about this in a very ineffective way. And for some reason I just let myself be mean. Its like I am sick of him not realising what he's doing to himself and also me and I want to treat him like a fucking adult. Maybe I shouldnt be too blunt because I wouldnt want him doing that to me. I'm so mean. I dont deserve Justie

I like when he pauses and looks at me, then makes an 'mmm' sound and I can hear him smiling and hugs me and tells me he loves me.

What's really strange is that I feel so sad but then I don't care anymore. Am I afraid to lose him or not? Does breaking up with justin even matter to me? I think I'll be devastated, yes, but I know we'll break up eventually. There are things that prove we're incompatible. Habits he has which I dislike. And then there's the thought that there are so many girls out there for him who are way better than me. I'm actually not good at all. I'm very suited to death. I just can't wait for the day where everything that makes me sad is gone. And I'm probably just in a IDC mood because justin wants to talk to me and I'm ignoring him. It's for the best. I need him to know that seeing him angry at me makes me really sad. I don't like to be treated as if I'm annoying. But idk I do love him. Ugh idk what I'm saying anymore

I'm trusting him completely.

The feeling of trusting someone so fully is really strange. I'm a little on edge for now but I feel like a weight has been lifted. My heart feels spacious and open.

I woke up today and no longer feel entirely connected to justin. We're still together but only connected by threads or something. It's not like we were a close covalent bond before. It's a really strange feeling; I'm not alone but I am alone. Almost like I'm single but I still have someone for now and the more I think about how not close we are, the more distant it actually feels. He's made me love him less and it sucks. The love I felt then was extremely strong, I thought about forever almost every day and I wanted forever to happen. Now that I know he thinks something 'wrong' (including those little things not worth mentioning) will happen eventually, forever is dissolving and my love for him has lessened. I feel almost no anger, I feel sad and hopeless. Apparently these things are bound to happen.. But why can't he stop it. How am I so certain I won't do anything wrong when he's certain that oneday it'll happen? I feel like I'm about to lose something due to me out-growing it or like, I've just learnt that it's mainstream and don't want it anymore. Bad metaphors. I can't believe I'm barely feeling love for Justin. I want to love him again. Hopefully his voice will make me love him.