I really need someone to talk to right now
Im so sad I dont even know why
Im crying hahaha what the fuck
I dont know if its because of this Mogwai music
or the fact that my two friends went to the city without me
i guess i just woke up today feeling like this
i mean, i was the one who bailed so its not like its their fault
i feel like no one cares though. they havent even messaged me
its like, if i wasnt there, it wouldnt matter
and mac too... i just know he'll never like me
i know that but i still like him, why
im making it harder for myself but i cant stop
its impossible for us to be together
school stresses me out too
i have no motivation for anything
i just want to die
life is hard right now
i cry for no reason
or stupid reasons anyway
i cant even write a blogspot
why do i even have this blog for/

i cant stop thinking about him
why the hell am i even putting myself through this
we'll never even be together
he'll never like me
why do i always do this
i know im making myself think that he likes me
but i cant stop

I had the chance to see Daniel without him knowing it was me yesterday at RMIT uni, but I didn't. I hope that he knows that he actually means something to me (whether a lot or a bit, I'm unsure) and that I kept this promise to not see him to prove that I actually really want to savour and keep the relationship and connection we have between us right now. It's not just a thing I do at night - talking to him - to keep be from being bored. I think I consider him as a friend. I don't understand why I don't like him though. I always thought that I would end up liking anyone who's nice to me. It would be cool if I liked him that way, then every morning I wake up, I would feel confident and happy. I mean, I love talking to him, but its just temporary happiness. I dont know why. I think it's cause we talk so normal. If we were a bit more affectionate hahaha, it might be different. I feel strange being affectionate to him though. Its not because he's 21... oh wait maybe it is! But there was oliver and lachy and mac. I have no idea anymore. Lachy never seemed 19-ish to me. he seemed younger than me haha, which is why every time he mentioned driving home from work or sitting in his car or swerving because a car in front of him braked abruptly, it shocked me and 'woke' me up sorta. Anyays, this post was meant to be about daniel, and there i go again talking about lachy. he doesn't even talk to me anymore hahahahah fuck my life

I let *** look up what I look like. I told him to look up my username plus my name and that username doesnt refer to Kik... I don't know how to feel, like always. I've been feeling so very confused lately - about everything. I don't know anymore hahaha wow. so he didn't say much either. I think he's disappointed. I wish I was a bit pretty. sometimes I think i am, but generally i'm not. this makes me upset. argh tears in psych class haha. I asked him if he found the videos and photos and he was like "I think so". I said "haha alright well i guess this is it" and he asked why or something. I turned off my data and he wrote "danica come back please <3". He probably wrote that because he feels sorry for me. He doesn't wanna seem judgemental and because he has said earlier that what I look won't affect anything. It does... and so much. I won't be able to speak to him normally anymore, about anything! except music. i've never showed anyone a photo of me before. this is why i don't. it makes everything weird. I am 80% less confident. they don't think i'm cool anymore. I mean, there are tons of girls out there that many guys would get along with, they just dont give them a chance! I think I'll miss ****. he was probably the most good looking guy I've ever spoken to online. I even like how he's so awkward. I probably had a small crush on him, not as strong as oliver though ahaha. why the fuck did i even like oliver... honestly? he's not even that attractive. i guess its the fact that he's smart and has everything worked out for him. *** is smart but we lack topics to speak about. it seems like we speak for the sake of talking to someone of the opposite sex haha. oh well, i feel like he knows me now. what i look like, and how i feel. im still waiting for a second text. if he doesn't text back a second time, im not going to talk to him ever again ... unless I feel sentimental oneday

when I leave school, I'll be independent and I'll move out. I won't talk to anybody from my family. Thats what I'll do. They all look down on me and think the worse of me. They all talk about me behind my back, even my cousin who I thought would understand me the most. Everyone thinks I'm the dumbest.. I guess I am because I don't try and I cant be fucked to prove them wrong. Does every single kid have to be a fucking nerd (I mean, I may look a bit nerdy.. but I'm more of a geek) and get 90+ atars? FUCK. I'll do just fine with an atar of 70-80.   They don't even know how it feels to be the underdog in every fucking situation. and who fucking cares if i swear anyways? it means nothing. just an extreme vocal expression of my feelings. its not like i mean it literally. things these fuckers won't ever understand...

i feel like i have nothing
everyone turns their backs on me
why does my life have to be like this