Anna left for vietnam today!

We were saying our goodbyes like multiple times and hugging it out in the house, then on the other side of the house, then in the backyard and finally, in front of the house. Surprisingly, on the last second of our final goodbye we heard firework sounds and I looked over and actually saw them! Usually you hear them and only see a glimpse but we had a perfect view. It felt like such a coincidence and as if it was especially for us. So we stood there, hugging tight and watching the 10 seconds of fireworks.

I only want when I can't have

As if he had read my blog, or seen the craigslist ad, or maybe even sensed my longing vibes to hear his voice and talk to him, he texted me. At 3am I received a text from Daniel. "Awake?" He asked, and to which I gave depressing replies, attempting to make him feel guilty and responsible for my feelings. He called me after and I was very happy. I was smiling and giggling. He struggled to say my name. The way he said 'soccer' was funny. He was always searching for things to say to minimize the usual silence that emerges in the period where a topic of discussion is discarded and a new one is searched for. He said 'hmm what was I going to say'. I was comfortable with the silence but he was obviously not. When we got disconnected, he reverted back to Kik. And this is where it all got pain-stakingly nasty. He immediately brought up the fact that he felt bad for my sadness and that he reckon he was part of the cause. It was true but I was angry that he was able to deduce such a thing from my tumblr likes and messages made me angry. How dare he think that I'm weak enough to let a guy ruin my vce. Its true, but I don't want him to know. Anyways he said that he was confused and shouldve went along with my feelings for him last year (which I keep denying.. I always do this). He also said that he doesn't understand me. I keep wanting to talk to him, hear his voice so bad but when it does happen, the feeling is just mehh and I don't even put in effort. Our connection has completely died, I'm sure of it. I didn't know what the hell to say on kik and it just felt awkward. We didn't say goodnight or end the convo. We left it there. I don't know what to make of it.

Coffee makes me write like a freaking literature author and so fast. God, words have never appeared so fast and sentences have never been constructed so well ;) kidding, getting a bit cocky there danica. You probably write like shit but this font is awesome. I should drink coffee/latte before I do my english and psych homework. Maybe tomorrow.

Its funny how you have no idea I made a post about you on craigslist for the world to see, daniel. I received so many responses. A few of them understood how I'm feeling and couple mentioned that they hoped one day someone will write something about them like that. You have no idea how special you are to me. Or you were anyways. I don't know about now. I miss the old Daniel and Danica. The two strangers who would go a week without messaging each other and finally when one gives in, it felt like we were as close as ever and could talk just about anything! Our songs, notes and phone calls were nice too. You were and still the only guy who I've spoken like a friend to. So what I mean is, we never hinted at anything sexual. We might have joked about us individually but never together. And I liked that. I was comfortable with you and I want to be again. But you're gone, and so have I. I'm not the nice person I used to be anymore. I'm not fun, nor happy. I'm sad, and not being in good terms with you makes me sadder.

I have no online friends left. Everyone has gone. Half of them because of my ugly appearance. I hate myself. The rest, I have no idea. I don't talk to chris or daniel or jay or idk anyone who I've been talking to recently. This sucks. Tonight has been the only night where I've had no one to talk to since exams. I feel so confused. I should make use of this free time by reading my english book but I'm so lazy.  I need to talk to people. Socially awkward female seeking friendly intelligent male. w4m

I've changed so much. I put everything off nowadays. I don't try hard anymore. My mind wanders. I think too much of unecessary things and so little of important school work. I'm very angry inside. And its starting to become visible through my actions. I feel strong rages and I want to punch things, sometimes even people. I cry easily again. Anything to do with unrequited love can bring me to tears. I like to feel sorry for myself. And finally I've become very socially awkward and filled with anxiety. I feel that there is no hope for me in the future. I'm afraid.

Its funny how you leave everything for someone cause you think you'll have then and turns out that they don't have the same plans as you and you're left alone again with everyone that you've pushed away gone. So many things relate to this but I guess who I'm talking about is tom. I spoke to him once that night and what do I do (?!), assume that he'll talk to me every night again. So I put less effort in brooke and alex; leaving them to chat while I listen and get excited for tom, ignore daniel's message for a few days and send a reply about not caring to meet, talked less to brooke, likewise with anna.. Idk I guess I can't deal with too many people and I just want to invest all my time into just one single person. So whoever I'll be with in the future (if I live) will know for sure that they can trust me and will have me whenever they want. And that it'll be only them in my life.