i need someone with an interest in doing things. fun things. im tired of feeling like im missing out and growing old sitting in my room. i want someone to do these things with. someone to encourage me. and im not sure brandon is the right person for that.

not only is he not there for me, but he also makes me extremely sad. i really need to consider whether this is for me or not. i feel like my mind is being tortured.

loneliness hurts

having a tough day today. brandon doesn't know how sad i am, i wish i could tell him or have him understand so he can help me. but i guess i shouldnt rely on him because that hasnt worked out with anyone in the past. im not sure if its the fact i rely on him and he doesnt help that makes me sad or im just sad. i just feel super shit. like everything is wrong.

Justin is not my friend anymore

He deleted me off facebook and discord today. Facebook was alright. But discord... I don't know, that made me really upset. I guess it made me really feel like I was his friend. I really believed that he was just busy and that he'd hang out with me if he had time and once his girlfriend calmed down. I still considered him as my friend and a person who's important in my life. Even though he ignores me most of the time (which I just realised, now that I think about it), I always thought we could jump back into being close whenever and that I'd always be his friend.

But oh well. I'm okay about it now. I was really sad before.

hi. im back because ive deleted insta and my insta diary for the meantime. and i need to vent somewhere. im feeling like i want to go away from brandon. but i feel guilty because i told him i wouldnt. i just feel like following girls that post half naked/super sexual pics on insta is a massive dealbreaker to me. i definitely know i dont want a guy that does that. and i dont want to change him or even tell him that i looked through his following list. i feel ashamed. but i know its not what i want in a boyfriend at all. i do feel very trapped, yeah. i just want him to ask me whats wrong so i can tell him the truth - that this is a dealbreaker and i want to go because i dont want to invest more time in someone that would do this and who knows if something similar might come up in the future and i have to go through this again. i dont care if this means im insecure about myself and cant handle my person looking at girls on insta. im just not compatible with whoever does that. and i dont care if a guy that doesnt do that doesnt exist - i'll be happy on my own. because this shit is just wrong to me. i cant do it.

im going to write out my message to him. for when he asks or when i develop some confidence.

im ashamed for doing this, it was both insecurity and curiosity. and im sorry for this being a problem again but it affects me a lot and i cant just ignore it. i saw some of the people you follow on insta and im sad about the girls that post super sexual or half naked photos of themselves. theres so many of them too. i feel worse knowing that youve left them there after saying youll leave only the important people and it wasnt just during a time before me. i dont know, this has happened before to me so i know i cant deal with it. i want to try so badly to fix my thoughts and feelings about it and make it work with you because this is only one bad feeling compared to the many good ones you give me. but i dont want any bad feelings, especially not in the future where everything will hurt more because we'll be closer and itll feel too late to turn back. it even feels too late right now... which is why im so unsure what to do. its a dealbreaker to me but i love you. i guess i should explain why it upsets me so much. it actually feels like minor cheating to me. its way more personal than porn, you mightve talked to them before, its repetition of the same girls bc you follow them, its like looking at other peoples nudes when youre in a relationship, the fact that you follow them. i feel like is somewhat disrespectful and wrong. i feel so stuck.