I now have this weird feeling in my chest about nathan. it's confusion mixed with a  hint of sadness and regret. just a hint though. a hint. 

so I just shut down all communication and connection with Nathan. I'm not feeling any sadness, a bit confused really. I don't know how to feel. yeah, he was kinda cool in the beginning but our conversations became extremely boring and neither one of us had much to say. I tried telling him random stories a few times or like basically make conversations but all he ever really writes back are different variations of laughs or one word answers like yes no and you. he kept talking to me every week though.  and I was usually excited to talk to him but once we got to it, nothing every happened. nothing interesting whatsoever. I'm a pretty boring person myself, I'd have to admit, but at least I actually attempted in steering our conversations in different places other than school, what we were doing, and the whole show-your-face thing. that was pretty annoying. I'm refraining from sending a photo because I know how it usually is when I do. I don't think I'm ugly.. to that extent? sigh. I can't afford to get hurt during this time. anyways, I deleted his number and forgot to save our conversation because my phone stuffed up. I guess it's for the best. as we said bye, he asked if we were actually going to do this. I, of course, could not eat my own words so I stuck with it. he said that he hopes I find my "dream guy" (oh please, I've found him, he just is totally out of my league and has a fucking girlfriend) and that I get my "90 atar". I hope so myself. I was going to say something nice back like I hope he makes it far in the Paralympics or some shit but I was a teeny tiny bit shocked that he didn't try to change my mind or whatever. I guess we were both sick of talking to each other and neither of us meant much to the other. I'm going to be pretty bored every weekend at night now!  Nathan was a bit cool and sweet at times. I don't think talking to him was a waste of time at all. he made me laugh a fair bit and I liked what I felt in those moments. just now talking feels like a bit of a chore and sometimes, you just have to stand back and realize what you're doing and how pointless it is becoming. so yeah, I AM sad it had to come to this because I thought we'd be friends or something but I think it was good that this happened. I hope he remembers me randomly one day in his life.