So here I am. Old, at an age where I should’ve figured out everything but I’m stuck lost, sad and scared. I’m a criminal. A nuisance to society and my parents. This is what I’ve become. I wonder if it’s due to my anxiety and depression. It’s funny reading past posts and me always questioning if I’m getting sadder and sadder when I’m actuality I’m always the same sad. It just builds up and I find worse coping mechanisms. I feel like what I really want is to pass away. I don’t want to try anymore. This is me speaking on Xanax so who knows. I have to try for my parents though. Sometimes I wish I could ask for help. But people have their shit and they don’t understand the extent. I wish I could get hell. I need help really bad. I’m so tired of this. Talk sooon friend

 weed makes you face reality. makes you hyperaware of everything you do and aware of all the lies that you've told yourself. you have to face those until you stop lying to yourself. you unconsciously have felt uncomfortable about these things so many times but now. always in the back of your mind. it brings them forward and for you to be able to have a good high, you have to deal with them. a good high is for your to feel at peace. i always strive to be at peace. but i'm so far from it. i'm a mess in my head, all my thoughts so loud. sometimes i have good moments when the music takes my focus. so to be at peace is to be focused on a single thing. i feel like i cannot live in the moment, i always have many problems in my life that i run from. weed reminds me that i need to deal with them. some are even problems i didnt realise were problems.

fuck even my thoughts are jumbled. i've no idea what i mean anymore. i tried to explain but i suck. will try next time.