hi. so justin is out at his friend's house, having dinner with like 10 people. idk why I'm so paranoid and scared of him cheating on me. even the thought of him flirting with some other girl or sharing some sort of connection with other girls scare me. I can't concentrate at all and havent been concentrating since i woke up at 2. i'm so scared and i actually feel stressed out. he doesn't text me back often either. i want to ask him to text me back once in a while but i can never let him know that im this paranoid when he does things other than hang with me. im so scared. i feel selfish for getting internally sad when i find out hes going to hang with other people and secretly hope that he doesnt have fun. what sort of a girlfriend am i. idk why i cant trust him already. i think its because of november. i wish that never happened, then i could just be normal. this feeling right now is horrible. i just want tonight to be over and receieve a text from him already. i dont want him to get drunk or tipsy and sit next to a girl and think dirty thoughts or touch her. ugh idk what to doooo. im so stuck. i hope he tells me nothing happened. i hope he loves me enough. this is why i want to die, i cant take stuff like this. honestly this is what im most afraid of. i could probably say that my greatest fear is to have justin cheat on me. and my definition of cheating encompasses a fucking lot. ah. i just want to die. i want drugs to make me happy at times like this. i dont think writing it out helps at all. im just getting more and more scared. i really hope he texts me soon. its 10pm already and i havent heard from him since 5:35. i feel jealous for him easily spending time with other people until 10 when he would easily leave me and go home other days. i really dont want to be an annoying girlfriend but im so tempted to just blow up his phone and get an answer. i think i'm gonna tell him that i was worried he'll do something bad. its best if he knows. i dont want to have to fake interest and play off my paranoid questions as some conversational thing. oh my god im scared