I only want when I can't have

As if he had read my blog, or seen the craigslist ad, or maybe even sensed my longing vibes to hear his voice and talk to him, he texted me. At 3am I received a text from Daniel. "Awake?" He asked, and to which I gave depressing replies, attempting to make him feel guilty and responsible for my feelings. He called me after and I was very happy. I was smiling and giggling. He struggled to say my name. The way he said 'soccer' was funny. He was always searching for things to say to minimize the usual silence that emerges in the period where a topic of discussion is discarded and a new one is searched for. He said 'hmm what was I going to say'. I was comfortable with the silence but he was obviously not. When we got disconnected, he reverted back to Kik. And this is where it all got pain-stakingly nasty. He immediately brought up the fact that he felt bad for my sadness and that he reckon he was part of the cause. It was true but I was angry that he was able to deduce such a thing from my tumblr likes and messages made me angry. How dare he think that I'm weak enough to let a guy ruin my vce. Its true, but I don't want him to know. Anyways he said that he was confused and shouldve went along with my feelings for him last year (which I keep denying.. I always do this). He also said that he doesn't understand me. I keep wanting to talk to him, hear his voice so bad but when it does happen, the feeling is just mehh and I don't even put in effort. Our connection has completely died, I'm sure of it. I didn't know what the hell to say on kik and it just felt awkward. We didn't say goodnight or end the convo. We left it there. I don't know what to make of it.

Coffee makes me write like a freaking literature author and so fast. God, words have never appeared so fast and sentences have never been constructed so well ;) kidding, getting a bit cocky there danica. You probably write like shit but this font is awesome. I should drink coffee/latte before I do my english and psych homework. Maybe tomorrow.

Its funny how you have no idea I made a post about you on craigslist for the world to see, daniel. I received so many responses. A few of them understood how I'm feeling and couple mentioned that they hoped one day someone will write something about them like that. You have no idea how special you are to me. Or you were anyways. I don't know about now. I miss the old Daniel and Danica. The two strangers who would go a week without messaging each other and finally when one gives in, it felt like we were as close as ever and could talk just about anything! Our songs, notes and phone calls were nice too. You were and still the only guy who I've spoken like a friend to. So what I mean is, we never hinted at anything sexual. We might have joked about us individually but never together. And I liked that. I was comfortable with you and I want to be again. But you're gone, and so have I. I'm not the nice person I used to be anymore. I'm not fun, nor happy. I'm sad, and not being in good terms with you makes me sadder.

I have no online friends left. Everyone has gone. Half of them because of my ugly appearance. I hate myself. The rest, I have no idea. I don't talk to chris or daniel or jay or idk anyone who I've been talking to recently. This sucks. Tonight has been the only night where I've had no one to talk to since exams. I feel so confused. I should make use of this free time by reading my english book but I'm so lazy.  I need to talk to people. Socially awkward female seeking friendly intelligent male. w4m

I've changed so much. I put everything off nowadays. I don't try hard anymore. My mind wanders. I think too much of unecessary things and so little of important school work. I'm very angry inside. And its starting to become visible through my actions. I feel strong rages and I want to punch things, sometimes even people. I cry easily again. Anything to do with unrequited love can bring me to tears. I like to feel sorry for myself. And finally I've become very socially awkward and filled with anxiety. I feel that there is no hope for me in the future. I'm afraid.

Its funny how you leave everything for someone cause you think you'll have then and turns out that they don't have the same plans as you and you're left alone again with everyone that you've pushed away gone. So many things relate to this but I guess who I'm talking about is tom. I spoke to him once that night and what do I do (?!), assume that he'll talk to me every night again. So I put less effort in brooke and alex; leaving them to chat while I listen and get excited for tom, ignore daniel's message for a few days and send a reply about not caring to meet, talked less to brooke, likewise with anna.. Idk I guess I can't deal with too many people and I just want to invest all my time into just one single person. So whoever I'll be with in the future (if I live) will know for sure that they can trust me and will have me whenever they want. And that it'll be only them in my life.

:(
I want to see fireworks
:(
:(
In the city
:(
:(
 and take photos
and go out
and have fun
:(
:(
:(
I don't want to be indoors
i've been surrounded my walls my entire life
:(
:(
please no more

“Sometimes you’re 23 and standing in the kitchen of your house making breakfast and brewing coffee and listening to music that for some reason is really getting to your heart. You’re just standing there thinking about going to work and picking up your dry cleaning. And also more exciting things like books you’re reading and trips you plan on taking and relationships that are springing into existence. Or fading from your memory, which is far less exciting. And suddenly you just don’t feel at home in your skin or in your house and you just want home but “Mom’s” probably wouldn’t feel like home anymore either. There used to be the comfort of a number in your phone and ears that listened everyday and arms that were never for anyone else. But just to calm you down when you started feeling trapped in a five-minute period where nostalgia is too much and thoughts of this person you are feel foreign. When you realize that you’ll never be this young again but this is the first time you’ve ever been this old. When you can’t remember how you got from sixteen to here and all the same feel like sixteen is just as much of a stranger to you now. The song is over. The coffee’s done. You’re going to breath in and out. You’re going to be fine in about five minutes.”

—

Unknown

“It’s okay if I’m not
your favorite
chapter you have 
written,
but I hope you
sometimes smile
when you flip
back to the pages
I was still apart of.”

—

Y.Z

Yay! I now have motivation for school. I went through the whole of 2013 thinking that I havent achieved anything and that I'm a worthless dumb fuck but noooo I got 44 study score for further math! hooray. It makes me wonder though, what if I had studied more.. could I have gotten 46. Cause I know for sure that I didnt study very well and maybe even got a bit cocky. i'm just so happy. and my name is finally on the high achiever's list! I thought that this little hope of mine was long gone and that i'd never get a study score above 40 but hehehehe YAYYAYAYAY

I think I saw him yesterday. It was all a coincidence! If I hadn't have suggested to go home and call it day, or if Anna hadn't have suggested to go to the last carriage so we could have seats, or if Anna hadn't have resisted to my insistence on standing up and lead us to the four-seater where he was sitting, I would never have seen him. I actually noticed him as the train was slowing down. His hair was pretty long - which I like and he had on a pink stripy shirt. I think it was the one he took a photo of and sent it to me ages ago, but I'm not sure and can't check since everything on my fucking phone was erased! He even had dress shoes and I noticed a neon green puma bag beneath his feet. He was really attractive (from what I can remember when I saw his face once - and once only - in the beginning). I wanted to look at him to see if he was actually Daniel but I was too nervous, so I just watched him in my peripheral vision, kinda creepy now that I'm writing this. :/ He had white earphones and was on his phone. I was so scared in the beginning that Anna would call out my name and wanted to write on my phone something like "hey don't say Danica, I'll explain everything later" but I wasn't sure if I could trust her and if she'd make a joke out of it and actually start saying my name so I took the chance of not telling her anything. I felt like he noticed me but he could've just been looking at the station arrival message thing since I was sitting in that direction. Who knows. I wonder if he kept his promise and didn't look me up on google (stupid not-private instagram). I thought I saw him look at me in the end when I got up to leave but I'm not sure. I'm probably just imagining it. But I really thing that the guy I saw was him. Maybe one day we'll talk about it.

I promise that I will try really hard next year at school.
I will complete my homework and stop fucking procrastinating.
Maybe once in a while, I can laze about but I have to be on top of everything.
I actually enjoy all of my subjects, I just don't put effort in.
I have to work harder and get an atar of at least 75.
Doing homework is just once small step, I also have to prepare and study for SACs and exams earlier... not three weeks prior but from the beginning.
Once I learn something, I will continue to do tests and revise on it.
I have to do this.
I will feel like complete shit if I continue to fail all my sacs and exams.
I HAVE TO

I feel no motivation for school. I feel no fear either. I was sitting in my english language exam and there was like 20 minutes left. I didn't bother to think hard and to finish my essay. I literally just sat there doing nothing but think about thinking. I dont even care anymore. I have a methods exam tomorrow and I'm not afraid. I dont feel confident about it, yet I'm just lying in bed. I just want to die. Thats all I care about. I guess, I have no motivation because i know I'm going to die. I want nothing from this world. I dont want to go to uni. I dont want to do anything. I dont want to travel. I just want to stay in my room. I was thinking the other day, maybe I could commit some crime so they could lock me in a cell. Life would be better there. I would be forced to do things. I wouldnt need to worry about money. I wouldnt need to worry about my future suicide.

so daniel knows that I sort of like him. im scared conversations with him are now going to be awkward as fuck. and i hope that he's not weirded out. like, i would freak out if some boring little asian chick liked me.. wait no thats not the right comparison. of course i would be weirded out, i aint lesbian ya know. you know what i mean. anyway im just so glad i installed whatsapp. he's made me happy. even though our conversation wasnt proper since he barely replied or seem interested in me, im still happy. at least we spoke. its been so long, a whole fucking month. I want to ask him if he wants to meet in december. maybe just a hello, so that its not awkward. just a hello and bye or whatever. Im quite nervous. I dont want to ask and then change my mind. I'll think about this long and hard. but yay  I can sleep at night now, no more staying up til 3am thinking about daniel and missing him.

L: It's raining heaps!

19 july

L: It's raining heaps!
D: Really? Its not here. Guess we are far from each other
L: Yeah it sucks. I wish you were a little bit closer.

D: none of my parents can cook very well.
L: hahah come live with me :P
D: not with that ghost boy
L: ill protect you remember

L: aww hahah. I think its cute how you get all scared




Sent from my iPod

L: Hello Danica:)

22 july
L: Hello Danica:)
D: Lachyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
:):):):):):):):)
Happiness overload
L: hahah aw well aren't you adorable.


July 22
D: Now that after I told you about The Best Thing, I keep thinking that every song you tell me about has some sort of underlying meaning ahaha and 'walking disaster' lol
L: hahah no of course not!
D: hahaha yeah I'm just over-thinking
L: Although the lyrics at the start mention something about "an only-child to take the blame"
D: what about that? Haha I don't get it.
Is it me?
L: haha don't worry just listen. It's not meant to have any underlying meaning it's just a good song.
D: were any songs meant to have an underlying meaning?
Should I not get excited hahaha
Wait actually don't tell me
Nonoononono don't
Nevermind
L: But
Why not? Haha
D: Happier that way haha
L: Does that mean The Best Thing did have an underlying meaning?
D: I'm not sure
L: haha well just remember, I thought of you when I first heard it.
D: what about the other times? Hahaha
L: yes those too haha


Sent from my iPod

The boredem is painful.

The boredem is painful.
The sadness is repetitive.
Is it enjoyable? Sometimes.
I like to feel sorry for myself once in a while.
But this is too much.
There is no balance.
Im stuck in this life that I do not want to live.
I have too many years before I die.
I will be waiting for too long.
This is what happens when you are afraid of pain,
When you are weak.
I just want to die.


Sent from my iPod

I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak

I feel like i have no one. Noe one who cares about me. I have no friends. I have no obe i can talk to. I feel so alone in this world. I hope i wont stay like this forever and that one day i will have someone or friends and that will make up for me feeling like this. I hope oh so very much. This is what im living for... The hope that oneday i will have someone. I have to wait. But i dont know if im strong enough. Waiting for someone will feel like eternity and im weak


This is going to sound contradictory to my previous memo but i feel like i have nothing to live for. I used to enjoy food as lame as it sounds but food used to make me temporarily happy and excited. I dont feel that way anymore however. Im half glad im not as weird but im sad that now nothing will make me happy but people. I need human interaction. I used to stop my depressing thoughts when i know my mum is making me nice food but now i can eat and cry at the same time. I can do everything and cry at the same time. Im typing this and crying. I dont want to be sad anymore. If im sad every day, what will happen to me? How long before this feel gets too much for me to simply cry when im alone and hold in when im out? What happens when even music has no effect on me? I have nothing. I dont know what im looking for. Maybe i should do something. I have to find my purpose.


Sent from my iPod

he said he knows one person in america.. someone he has always spoken to from omegle. I feel really jealous. I thought that I was the only person he spoke to from omegle. That I was his. Fuck this fucking shit

Daniel just told me that he might be going to america for a year. I dont know why but I felt really really sad. I dont want him to go. This is so strange. Its not like we see each other often or anything and we can still text and talk through whatsapp, it'll be the exact same thing but the thought that he'll be so far away upsets me. He'll be a whole day behind me. A whole universe of time behind me. and so far away. Why do I feel this way? Why is it that even though he messaged me, I still miss him so much?