in a slump

feels like he doesnt give a fuck about me. doesnt want to see me. doesnt know how much i miss him. i just need to stop liking him so much. remove some of my feelings detach a little.

i just want my life to be over

i just want to die. i cry like every day. i feel so down and hopeless. im confused about all of this - me and him. i love him so much. but after today.. i dont even know anymore. when he refused to climb over a few rocks because he 'ceebs'. i want someone who is a bit more adventurous or does crazy things idk. he tells me to go where i want to and he'll go but he doesnt want to go where i do. theres no fun at all. he thinks walking forward on a track is the same as walking back because everything looks the same anyway. so boring. he doesnt help me when i told him how nervous i get when he doesnt say goodnight. i dont even bother him, i do it alone anyway. he says i just need to relax and believe in the relationship. do you think its that easy?? i feel so sex starved as well. im not satisfied. im also upset about how he lets his mum dictate everything. how we always have to be quiet. how i cant even sit next to him. cant even stay at his til late. also i like to drink. i like to do fun stuff. he doesnt. he tells me to just drink anyway even though he isnt. why would i do that.
i feel like theres more but im tired of explaining to future me who will read this.
i just feel sad all the time but i love him and dont want to go. i feel like we arent as compatible as i thought. and that these things will bother me in the future. i want fucken drugs too but he isnt into it. idk.
my conclusion is to obviously stay but take this relationship more lightheartedly and less serious. to stop thinking of the future and 'what ill be stuck with'. to view this us spending time with someone i love. but i will still do everything i want - just alone. this time though, ill love just him. i will just have fun on my own. go for my own walks. drink my own drinks. i guess sex might be a problem. i feel so fucked.. im just going to try relax one day at a time and not take this relationship as seriously as i have been.

i need someone with an interest in doing things. fun things. im tired of feeling like im missing out and growing old sitting in my room. i want someone to do these things with. someone to encourage me. and im not sure brandon is the right person for that.

not only is he not there for me, but he also makes me extremely sad. i really need to consider whether this is for me or not. i feel like my mind is being tortured.

loneliness hurts

having a tough day today. brandon doesn't know how sad i am, i wish i could tell him or have him understand so he can help me. but i guess i shouldnt rely on him because that hasnt worked out with anyone in the past. im not sure if its the fact i rely on him and he doesnt help that makes me sad or im just sad. i just feel super shit. like everything is wrong.

Justin is not my friend anymore

He deleted me off facebook and discord today. Facebook was alright. But discord... I don't know, that made me really upset. I guess it made me really feel like I was his friend. I really believed that he was just busy and that he'd hang out with me if he had time and once his girlfriend calmed down. I still considered him as my friend and a person who's important in my life. Even though he ignores me most of the time (which I just realised, now that I think about it), I always thought we could jump back into being close whenever and that I'd always be his friend.

But oh well. I'm okay about it now. I was really sad before.

hi. im back because ive deleted insta and my insta diary for the meantime. and i need to vent somewhere. im feeling like i want to go away from brandon. but i feel guilty because i told him i wouldnt. i just feel like following girls that post half naked/super sexual pics on insta is a massive dealbreaker to me. i definitely know i dont want a guy that does that. and i dont want to change him or even tell him that i looked through his following list. i feel ashamed. but i know its not what i want in a boyfriend at all. i do feel very trapped, yeah. i just want him to ask me whats wrong so i can tell him the truth - that this is a dealbreaker and i want to go because i dont want to invest more time in someone that would do this and who knows if something similar might come up in the future and i have to go through this again. i dont care if this means im insecure about myself and cant handle my person looking at girls on insta. im just not compatible with whoever does that. and i dont care if a guy that doesnt do that doesnt exist - i'll be happy on my own. because this shit is just wrong to me. i cant do it.

im going to write out my message to him. for when he asks or when i develop some confidence.

im ashamed for doing this, it was both insecurity and curiosity. and im sorry for this being a problem again but it affects me a lot and i cant just ignore it. i saw some of the people you follow on insta and im sad about the girls that post super sexual or half naked photos of themselves. theres so many of them too. i feel worse knowing that youve left them there after saying youll leave only the important people and it wasnt just during a time before me. i dont know, this has happened before to me so i know i cant deal with it. i want to try so badly to fix my thoughts and feelings about it and make it work with you because this is only one bad feeling compared to the many good ones you give me. but i dont want any bad feelings, especially not in the future where everything will hurt more because we'll be closer and itll feel too late to turn back. it even feels too late right now... which is why im so unsure what to do. its a dealbreaker to me but i love you. i guess i should explain why it upsets me so much. it actually feels like minor cheating to me. its way more personal than porn, you mightve talked to them before, its repetition of the same girls bc you follow them, its like looking at other peoples nudes when youre in a relationship, the fact that you follow them. i feel like is somewhat disrespectful and wrong. i feel so stuck.

hes back but i dont miss him, im actually pretty mad at him. so that just makes me dislike him and basically take everything i said back. i dont feel anything again. idk. my feelings are so weird.

Dear Retrom,

I'll miss you forever. I just keep wanting to find another one of you but that's obviously not going to be possible. Man I'm so stupid, I feel like I don't realise how things make people feel and to be honest, even thinking about the things I did now, without putting myself in your shoes, I wouldn't know that I've done anything wrong. Like I keep thinking I was fine to do things like have a sleepover with justin because I know my feelings for him were completely gone, so I keep having to put myself in your position every single time I think of scenarios like these. I feel like I should permanently remember that I'm wrong but I can't. I'm not sure why. I'm sorry Retrom. Maybe I'm really selfish? Or maybe I haven't experienced enough? I'm not sure whats wrong with me. I'm sorry. I really really really love you. I hope I die just for you because I'm horrible. I don't want to wish that youd find someone who's perfect for you because I really want to be with you. I do half wish that for you though. Ugh, sorry about everything.

no more hoping. he knows i love him. thats all that matters and its okay if he wants to go. all my fault but theres no point regretting now. it ended with him knowing i love him.

so i messaged him. i just felt like i really didnt want to lose him and i felt so upset with myself. like i caused everything. i just forget everything hes done that made me angry. i basically make myself the bad guy - and maybe i am. he hasnt messaged me back and i can see hes awake. im debating whether to tell him that its okay if hes been with someone else and that if he doesnt want me now, he could message me anytime and ill be with him. but maybe thats not such a good idea cos maybe i'll change my mind once he tells me hes been with someone else. im not sure. i feel glad i messaged him now, because the ball is in his court and he knows my feelings. i dont know. i feel a little better. im so messed up. i cant wait until i finish these exams and then i can be as self destructive as i want. i just have to try really hard for exams. its tough. for some reason, tark reminds me of the fact that retroms gone. im not sure why. i dont /really/ like tark so i dont know. i dont have that problem with justin. i feel like i want to delete tark because i dont really enjoy talking to him anymore and hes just a reminder how lonely i am. id rather talk to no one, than someone i dont really want to talk to.. just because i have no one else. im going to fade away. i dont really want to hang with him either. its already awkward enough on the phone. i just dont like care about the stuff he tells me, i dont find it funny. i dont like how hes into memes. i dont like how hes not that smart. or how he tries so hard to use big words. i dont feel like i could tell him anything. hes just a typical 21 year old guy, not really someone id be close friends with. i think i need to stop talking to him so much. i feel bad though. oh well. i hope retrom gives me a response. i feel like maybe hes really done. maybe we'll meet one day. but hes old so he'll probably have a long term girlfriend soon. that sucks. im sure ill be okay.

i do think about him a lot. i wish it'll just stop. i keep thinking that i messed up and will never find someone like him again. its like my brains trying to convince me that i loved everything about him and there was nothing that was wrong with us. lol. fuck you brain. it was easier when i was angry. now im just sad and want him back. but this is how its meant to be. i tried, he didnt. its not my fault anymore. if he couldnt text me back when i was telling him my feelings, theres no chance he'll ever message me again. hes done with me. thats why i have to move on.

Waiting for nothing, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF8zvzigtv4
I need to stop hoping he'll come back.

i just wanted to quickly say that as a whole, im happy everything in my life has happened. obviously the little details could be changed for the better but im glad its all happened because i would not be who i am today. im not saying i like myself at all because thats definitely not true. i wouldnt change anything about myself, even the many shitty personality traits. i dont know why.. maybe im proud of who i am, i feel unique. and everything thats happened has caused all this. if i die, as in kill myself, it wont be because i hate myself. it'll be because i dont have the strength to deal with the brutality of life. i dont have the strength because i am me but i wouldnt want to be stronger because then i wouldnt be me. not sure where im getting this all from. i feel pretty stupid for basically saying that im not going to change my shitty self because its 'me', but thats not really what i mean. i mean once i reach my limit and after trying my best, i am who i am and if i cant deal with this world, then its okay. if i dont feel like getting stronger now or improve other aspects of myself, then my stupid choice is me. fuck i sound so stupid. but i really feel this way. im not sure why. too much acceptance maybe? maybe i have somewhat of an ego now.

im back

hi blog

its been more than a year and i'm back. i guess i want attention and hope that someone will see this and in a way, it'll mean they kind of care.

i also removed my old description: depressing blog filled with thoughts of a boring teenage girl, unstructured sentences, simplistic words, childish annoyances and opinions on fucking stupid things and desperate unfulfilled desires for love and lust. 

So a lot went on. I dont know where to start. Justin has gone but we are still friends. He tries to be my friend at least. He also has a girlfriend now. I dont feel too weird about it funnily, I guess I should be more supportive. I get pretty mad when he does things with her that I never got to do with him - like travel to Sydney. And I get a little weird when he seems to see her like every day, when I couldnt even get him to see me more than two times a week. I dont know. People change I guess and their relationship is new. I keep wondering if he thinks I'm prettier than her. I guess it doesnt matter. Why do I care?

So Retrom happened. It was good. It was bad. Super messy. So many things went wrong. But theres no point wishing for it to have happened at a different point in life because it wouldnt be possible anyway and we wouldnt be how we were to each other, we might not have even liked each other. Im glad it happened. Im pretty sad things ended like this though. I really do wish we couldve stayed friends and then maybe faded or got back together or something but I cant take him and the distance he puts between us. I wish he wouldve just said that hed stop being cold. I really tried to suck it up and be the better person at the end but I dont think he was interested anymore. It does suck. If I could go back, I definitely wouldve tried to do a few things more differently, especially be more respectful and mindful of his feelings when it comes to other guys. But it was not just me that made mistakes. I'm pretty bummed, its a real shame. I do miss him and think about him so much. I guess its something to learn from.

So here I am. My situation is lonelier than ever but I feel like I'm able to deal with it. Im not sure if my memory is right but I remember back then I would feel like I was writhing in loneliness, but now, I do get heartaches but I feel capable. I'm not so confident about finding someone. I dont know if I even want to. People are imperfect and there are many imperfections that I really hate. I feel like I'm picky now but I bet if someone comes around and shows interest in me, I'd forget my checklist and only realise I shouldve ran away when its too late. Ok thats not true. Maybe I'm just picky now cos I'm still hung up on Retrom. Idk. Anyway it was nice to talk about it. That instagram blog did not do it for me. One sentence diaries arent enough.

talk later

Keeping it contained because I'm scared of being alone. I wonder if he cares that I feel like this every day. What would he think if he knew? Does he know? 

im missing something in my life.
i think it might be people, i'm so lonely.
im not happy.
if i could die, i really would. im scared though.