hi blog
its been more than a year and i'm back. i guess i want attention and hope that someone will see this and in a way, it'll mean they kind of care.
i also removed my old description: depressing blog filled with thoughts of a boring teenage girl, unstructured sentences, simplistic words, childish annoyances and opinions on fucking stupid things and desperate unfulfilled desires for love and lust.
So a lot went on. I dont know where to start. Justin has gone but we are still friends. He tries to be my friend at least. He also has a girlfriend now. I dont feel too weird about it funnily, I guess I should be more supportive. I get pretty mad when he does things with her that I never got to do with him - like travel to Sydney. And I get a little weird when he seems to see her like every day, when I couldnt even get him to see me more than two times a week. I dont know. People change I guess and their relationship is new. I keep wondering if he thinks I'm prettier than her. I guess it doesnt matter. Why do I care?
So Retrom happened. It was good. It was bad. Super messy. So many things went wrong. But theres no point wishing for it to have happened at a different point in life because it wouldnt be possible anyway and we wouldnt be how we were to each other, we might not have even liked each other. Im glad it happened. Im pretty sad things ended like this though. I really do wish we couldve stayed friends and then maybe faded or got back together or something but I cant take him and the distance he puts between us. I wish he wouldve just said that hed stop being cold. I really tried to suck it up and be the better person at the end but I dont think he was interested anymore. It does suck. If I could go back, I definitely wouldve tried to do a few things more differently, especially be more respectful and mindful of his feelings when it comes to other guys. But it was not just me that made mistakes. I'm pretty bummed, its a real shame. I do miss him and think about him so much. I guess its something to learn from.
So here I am. My situation is lonelier than ever but I feel like I'm able to deal with it. Im not sure if my memory is right but I remember back then I would feel like I was writhing in loneliness, but now, I do get heartaches but I feel capable. I'm not so confident about finding someone. I dont know if I even want to. People are imperfect and there are many imperfections that I really hate. I feel like I'm picky now but I bet if someone comes around and shows interest in me, I'd forget my checklist and only realise I shouldve ran away when its too late. Ok thats not true. Maybe I'm just picky now cos I'm still hung up on Retrom. Idk. Anyway it was nice to talk about it. That instagram blog did not do it for me. One sentence diaries arent enough.
talk later
