i just wanted to quickly say that as a whole, im happy everything in my life has happened. obviously the little details could be changed for the better but im glad its all happened because i would not be who i am today. im not saying i like myself at all because thats definitely not true. i wouldnt change anything about myself, even the many shitty personality traits. i dont know why.. maybe im proud of who i am, i feel unique. and everything thats happened has caused all this. if i die, as in kill myself, it wont be because i hate myself. it'll be because i dont have the strength to deal with the brutality of life. i dont have the strength because i am me but i wouldnt want to be stronger because then i wouldnt be me. not sure where im getting this all from. i feel pretty stupid for basically saying that im not going to change my shitty self because its 'me', but thats not really what i mean. i mean once i reach my limit and after trying my best, i am who i am and if i cant deal with this world, then its okay. if i dont feel like getting stronger now or improve other aspects of myself, then my stupid choice is me. fuck i sound so stupid. but i really feel this way. im not sure why. too much acceptance maybe? maybe i have somewhat of an ego now.