so i messaged him. i just felt like i really didnt want to lose him and i felt so upset with myself. like i caused everything. i just forget everything hes done that made me angry. i basically make myself the bad guy - and maybe i am. he hasnt messaged me back and i can see hes awake. im debating whether to tell him that its okay if hes been with someone else and that if he doesnt want me now, he could message me anytime and ill be with him. but maybe thats not such a good idea cos maybe i'll change my mind once he tells me hes been with someone else. im not sure. i feel glad i messaged him now, because the ball is in his court and he knows my feelings. i dont know. i feel a little better. im so messed up. i cant wait until i finish these exams and then i can be as self destructive as i want. i just have to try really hard for exams. its tough. for some reason, tark reminds me of the fact that retroms gone. im not sure why. i dont /really/ like tark so i dont know. i dont have that problem with justin. i feel like i want to delete tark because i dont really enjoy talking to him anymore and hes just a reminder how lonely i am. id rather talk to no one, than someone i dont really want to talk to.. just because i have no one else. im going to fade away. i dont really want to hang with him either. its already awkward enough on the phone. i just dont like care about the stuff he tells me, i dont find it funny. i dont like how hes into memes. i dont like how hes not that smart. or how he tries so hard to use big words. i dont feel like i could tell him anything. hes just a typical 21 year old guy, not really someone id be close friends with. i think i need to stop talking to him so much. i feel bad though. oh well. i hope retrom gives me a response. i feel like maybe hes really done. maybe we'll meet one day. but hes old so he'll probably have a long term girlfriend soon. that sucks. im sure ill be okay.