btw: 2019. can you fucking believe it. ive been drifting or something. i dont know if things got worse or better. im neither old nor wiser. im still ugly.

its tough having someone in your life. already tough having to deal with myself. what a source of anxiety a relationship is for me. is he as true as i am to him? how true can someone even be behind the scenes if the show they put on is not even true enough? or am i just a mega misinterpreter.

i cant have everything i want. i just have to remember that hes true to me. in every situation, he will be true to me.

i was good for a day. but i can feel myself sinking back.

Remember: don't tell him you love him or miss him first. You will just be rejected or ignored.

unloved. as always.

im tired of having to try so hard for someone who doesnt try for themselves. or maybe i just dont know how much he tries for himself and me.. just like he doesnt know how much i try for us. i feel like i have to stay positive and be careful what i say all the fucking time so that nothing goes wrong. i feel like i have to support him even when hes negative and even when im sad. i keep having to push my true words away and form something so fake but supports him which in turns supports me - because my happiness seems to depend on his. i wonder if he knows how much i have to try. he cant even send me some fake enthusiasm because its 'not him' but i have to be this entirely different person online most of the time. he doesnt know at all. i want to be supported. i dont want to carry anymore.

my anxiety is tiring

everyone is a letdown

i just want someone to help me. i hate feeling like this.

sad is forever.

sometimes all i can do is lay in bed listening to music while i wait for it to pass. i have to accept its all i can do.

nothing tastes good anymore

i feel the furthest thing from love. from him. i dont understand feel like he cares about me at all. hes made that clear. he doesnt care about my feelings. he doesnt trust me. he thinks hes going to hate me. he thinks hes better than me. he thinks im dumb and thick. hes said im useless multiple times. what am i doing with this person, holy shit. why do i give him the benefit of the doubt that he was stressed and depressed. no one has ever said this shit to me. i dont think ive ever talked to someone that has said and acted like this. such a hateful person. why am i not breaking up with him? what am i doing?

if he leaves me because he thinks i'm still like my past self, then i accept the end of it. because i know im not and ive done everything to try earn his trust and make him feel okay. i know what its like to be constantly anxious and paranoid about whether you can trust the person youre with or not. i try to tell him what i would want to hear. ive gone beyond what i used to believe; ive removed people from my life that meant little to me but were not a threat and wouldve still considered a friend. i made promises to not hang out with a guy alone, even if they were friends. i made a promise to not see sway if he came to melbourne, and i actually came to terms with it. i know ive been completely true to him and done the best i could. its on him if he breaks up with me. and from that i will learn and be okay. its on him. im true. ive changed for him. ive done everything.

accept. and let it go. be supportive even if its easier to be angry and sad. just accept it.  care less.

a post unrelated to boys.

im so stressed i feel like stabbing myself in the chest. ripping my hair out. or just breaking everything i can come into contact with. i just want to release this feeling of stress. theres so much of it in my chest, in my head. its strong. but i just have to keep going.

in a slump

feels like he doesnt give a fuck about me. doesnt want to see me. doesnt know how much i miss him. i just need to stop liking him so much. remove some of my feelings detach a little.

i just want my life to be over