I love Justin! I really do love him. He makes me so fucking happy. He incidentally had to stay over last night because it was too late for him to go home. And all I could think about when I was in my room was that he was actually only a few feet away from me sleeping. I wanted to sneak out there and curl into his chest. In the morning when I finally decided to go check on him, seeing him standing there with his cute green tshirt and messy soft hair made me so happy. I wonder how it would feel to actually wake up to him next to me. I'm sort of excited for the future. I hope Justin is a big part of it for a while.

I've been so unhappy lately. I'm so bored and lacking motivation for everything. I want to see justin but he doesn't want to see me more. Three days a week sucks. It just feels like I'm one of his hobbys, a lesser hobby too, with weekly scheduled days. I love him so much and I love this feeling of being able to give him my love but I'm also stuck in the aftermath of seeing him. I'm getting sadder and sadder the more I see him. It's like I'm getting more attached, yet he is not. At first I would get sad a day after I see him, then the night before, and now it's two hours before I part from him. I just love him so much but he's making me sad. Or am I doing this to myself? I really need to improve. I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I will try to read tonight. I will do some exercises. I can't go for a walk because I'm too self conscious  plus I need some sort of goal. I'll just read and exercise and stay positive. I'll do a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill. Yes. I'm just so negative all the time. I fucking have to stop. Writing all this makes me feel so much better. So when my mum comes home, I'll eat, watch half a movie, 30 min walk, exercise til my body aches, shower, face mask, read, finish movie and talk to justin whenever he messages me. :) 

Teary Justie

I told justin that I'm waiting to die and that I want to and his eyes went pink and he had tears in his eyes. I feel strange for still finding it hard to believe that he loves me even though this is some evidence? 

I'm so jealous of everything. This is really bad. Every girl justin talks to or interacts with, I feel uncomfortable. Obviously I'm not going to tell him what he can and can't do but it irks me so fucking much. I think I'm just really insecure that I think he'd leave me for any girl he talks to an he's someone who likes people really easy. I need to trust him somehow. Or I need to get more guy friends of my own to know that nothing will happen. I think. 

I love Justin so much

I'm so happy to have someone like him. I feel so special and lucky. He makes me think things will be okay. I would actually die for him. 

I have Justin, but I still feel so alone in this world. I feel like he doesn't talk to me much anymore, less than 20 minutes a day and thats randomly. I wish he would put more effort in. I don't really know what to do. I have a boyfriend yet I feel the need to seek ANY friend. I don't really know what to do. I feel like this world is just not for me because I can't deal with things like these. It's just not suitable. I'm so lonely and the person that I love the most doesn't even try to talk to me. I don't really understand.

Experience of MDMA for the first time

Positive:

• Music sounds louder, can concentrate on the music and inhibitions lowered enough to be able to dance even in a public setting.
• Happiness
• Can talk to Justin about anything
• Loving Justin immensely (and my feelings have increased)
• Time appears slower as more things are crammed into the period (more conversations)
• Able to still make choices and withhold certain information, as well as carefully choosing words
• Can help Justin when he is upset
• Vision appears hawk-like after the 'trip'
• Confidence when walking around and interacting with people

Negative:

• Eyes shaking, cross-eyed
• Jelly limbs and cannot sit upright 
• Speech seems incredibly slowed when it is not really
• Sad at times (probably due to some conversation topics)
• Teeth chattering, clamping and grinding
• Comedown: A period of absolutely no feelings which lasted for around an hour (didn't know if I loved Justin or not, super confused), grinding teeth (approx. over 24 hours), desperate to talk to Justin and couldn't stop thinking about and missing him (could be because I'm now more dependent on him and the experience enhanced my love for him), tiredness and fatigue, no appetite (24+ hours), cathartic conversations in my head to 'Justin'  (still fucking going... I think I'm going crazy), craving for more MDMA, considering suicide from an MDMA overdose when I'm older.

I can clearly see that the negative repercussions amount to a number greater than the advantages, yet still the feeling is so good that I'll just have to deal with the comedown. It's only that that I'm worried about, especially having no feelings again. I was so confused, but I'll just stay strong and next time plan an MDMA day/s where I can receive comfort from Justin. 

Settings/events where I would like to do MDMA:

• With Justin (for close and intimate conversations)
• Post-rock gig (for the head-banging)
• Gig with upbeat/electronic/funky music (to dance)
• At a free house with Justin (so we can use the bed, of course)
• At a park (for the outdoor experience)
• With friends that are girls (may discuss different things to what Justin and me spoke about)

Overall, it was a really good experience and I would absolutely do it again! Thank god Justin has the drugs though, I don't know how he can control himself from taking some right now because if I had them at home, I would totally do them - even by myself. I'm glad I'm with Justin.

i love justin so so so so much. i'm so happy he is with me. he is the best thing ever. i feel so lucky

I love Justin and he is my boyfriend!!! Yay!

I love Justin. But I still want to die because I know he won't be with me for long.

I gave in! I replied to his text! God fucking dammit and now I'm going to be the sad one. I dont know what to do now. I guess I'll just keep being mean and maybe that'll make me feel better.

So I have so much more stuff to learn and here I am typing up a pointless little rant that will do me no good, except for the fact that I don't need to feel like a crazy person talking to imaginary people in my head about it. Anyways, I feel like Justin doesn't like me. He isn't sweet and affectionate towards me anymore and I don't know why. He sent me a text today.. I've been waiting for more than a day! It was impersonal and really distant. He wouldn't even send such a thing to a friend. It sounded condescending and motherfucking stupid. Out of all the things he could've messaged me, he decided to write "bet on a horse?". Who fucking asks that? It's something you ask when you have no idea what else to say or talk about. And why the fuck would I bet on a horse when I have two fucking exams the next day. Do I even look like someone who would bet on things? I'm fucking broke. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he even ask such a dumb as fuck question. He could've said he missed me, or how I was doing, or that he likes me, or that he's excited for me to finish. But no. He starts a conversation about betting on horses. I'm so mad lol. Fuck. So I read his text and didn't reply. It makes me feel less upset and depressed when I'm the one in the power and ignoring him. I literally felt so sad the past couple of days due to him giving off this negative vibe that he doesn't want to talk to me.. or that there's someone else. I teared up thinking about it every single time. And it didn't stop today either, until he sent me that text and I was like fuck yeah, I'm in charge now. So if I keep ignoring him until after both my methods exams, I won't feel too hopeless. Angry and mad, but not hopeless. I'm still pretty sad and down but I think I can make it. Being depressed just stops you from doing everything. Angry can still be ignored at times. I'm proud of myself for refraining replying back. I've tried to ignore his texts many times before but I could never properly do it. It's like I had to text back straight away. I like him too much and he does not deserve it at all. He doesn't love me. All those I love you's and I miss you's and I like you's were bullshit. I bet he's honestly just with me because I'm the one of the only people who's interested in him and he wants me for sex. Yes, I half mind but I don't know if I should pretend that I'm okay with everything because, hey, I like this guy and he is spending time with me to have sex. At least I have that? A part of me just wants for him to go away. But then I'll have nothing. I think the only problem is that he's dishonest towards me. If he could just admit that he doesn't like me that way and just wants to be friends with benefits or something like that. I don't know what I would say still. Am I that type of person? I guess because I was crushing on him, I made him choose between either being together and having sex or not being together and no sex. Like there is no in between and he was forced into it. I think that's the thing. But I genuinely thought he liked me back then. Maybe everything was new and he didn't realise that he'd have many chances with other girls and that "going out" with me would ruin them since he's a pretty good guy and doesn't want to be morally wrong in any way. He still rubbed legs with her though lol. I think thats fucked. We're fucked. I'm fucked. FUCKING EXAMS AND I CANT DO THIS KIHLABA OR HOWEVERY OU SPELL IT EXAM UGHHHHHHHHH. Justin if you ever read this, you're insensitive and I hate you, but I also like you so much and I fucking hate you for making me like you. Screw you, cunt.

I just have to be positive

I watched this video: https://vimeo.com/110125266, didn't even get a minute in and I realised that all I have to do to be happy in life is to just see the positive in everything. I've habitually focused on the bad things which got me down most days. There's so much good that life has in store for me such as roadtripping, travelling and adventuring. I need to stop being so negative all the time and just go out and explore. Who gives a fuck if it's alone, I'd still have fun then! I need to start photographing nature again too. That always makes me feel good.

Hi blog, nice font change. I haven't written in a while. I was quite happy to be honest. Almost forgot how sad I usually am. Thanks to Justin and going out every weekend I think. My psychologist reminded me of my shit life though. I started to remember and realise how things really are and now I can't stop thinking about my future. I really don't want to go on. I'm actually dreading it. Not looking forward to anything. I'm slightly fearful and scared too. Especially the socialising part. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with everything. Anyways, I'm sad again. Quite a lot lately. Partly due to exams. I don't even care anymore. It's like this every year. I didn't even study the night before biology. I literally had given up. I wonder what atar I'm going to get. I hope I make at least 80.
Ok so the point of opening this post up is because I wan't to vent about Justin. I thought that by asking him out meant that we are together and that he wouldn't do anything with other girls. But I have a feeling that he would/has. It's so easy for him to and I know that if I was in his shoes and some girl came up to me for a hookup or flirted with me, I would reciprocate. Having little affection from the opposite sex in your life does that to you. You don't try to stop yourself and you wouldn't consider other people's feelings. I try not to do that to Justin, like if guys flirted with me or whatever I would try to refrain from doing it back, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it and so that I know I'm not one of those types of people who would cheat or whatever. Ahh I don't feel like Justin's taking this relationship thing seriously. I feel like we aren't going out at all and that we're still simply friends. We even put an expiry date on our relationship. I don't think normal people do that. So around two days ago he went to a friend's house. Like around midnight, we texted a bit and he told me that there was just his friend, friend's gf and gf's friend left. I joked that he should get with her. I don't know why I do that stuff. I think because I want him to tell me that he wouldn't and make me feel wanted. I'm not sure. Anyways, they were all drunk and he told me she wanted to get with him. They were 'rubbing legs' apparently. I was so upset and jealous when he told me. I literally couldn't comprehend and I felt so sad and betrayed. I couldn't believe he would do that. And that night I could barely sleep, just imagining them kissing or touching. I tried so hard to distract myself; reading every single fucking post on reddit to exhaust myself, listening to old music with lyrics, and using all my mental effort to push out the 'what if' thoughts. Then in the morning he texted me and told me that nothing happened. Strangely though, he was super distant. It seemed as if he didn't understand what he made me feel and how hurt I was. Lately he's been like that too. I don't think he likes me anymore... or maybe he likes someone else. But I like him so much that it's bloody fucking annoying. Why am I going through liking someone who treats me like this or makes me feel this way without even knowing. I don't think he knows. He even said "you know when you do things to feel good just in the moment? well we leaned on each other to keep warm". Man I'm still so upset. Typing this still hurts. I can literally imagine it. Anyways, he hasn't been texting me back normally. Its like he ignores me and maybe texts after 5 hours or so. It sucks and I don't know why he's doing it. I've been telling him that I like him a lot and that I miss him, he says it back sometimes but it doesn't seem genuine. I really think he doesn't like me anymore. I even asked him about the texting back thing and he says that sometimes he doesn't feel like talking or texting. It's been this way for quite some time now and why would you even feel that way if you like someone? I know I used to feel too lazy to text him back but now I love everything he sends. I'm so confused. And sad. I want to know what Justin's thinking and feeling and I wish he would just tell me.

bits and pieces of what's left of Justin in my iPhone. I've deleted quite a lot.

so I met justin on Friday night. I wasn't nervous at the time.. not even slightly because I drank earlier. he wasn't what I expected him to be.. he was really small and skinny and short. if I had met him in real life before everything, I probably wouldn't be attracted to him. but I get nervous when I think about him and have this strong feeling of wanting to kiss him. he obviously doesn't like me anymore. our messages have become less personal, flirty and topics of love/sex don't make it's way into our conversations anymore. I feel like everything he says is forced and distant. like he's only speaking to me because he feels sorry for me and doesn't want to come across as judgmental. I'm thinking he's meeting up with me this Saturday out of pity too. I don't know if I should just be happy and greatful to be able to hang out with him or back off and leave him alone. should you hang out with someone you quite like (in a crush way) even though you know they don't like you and you're just letting yourself be more vulnerable and susceptible to getting hurt? I don't know what to do. maybe I should just hang out with him - to feel happy for the moment and the sad depressed me in the future can deal with those feelings later? should I meet him so he can have a chance to change his mind about me, which can turn either way - positively or negatively. he obviously doesnt think I'm pretty. he used to give me random compliments and now it's all agreeing with my negative remarks about myself. even in the photos I thought I looked good. sigh. no one will ever like me. I'm just going through another chapter of unrequited love. there's more to come. I just hope I get something out of talking to justin. I want more than friendship, he probably knows that but I won't get it. I like feeling sad about him though. it's something different, something other than my usual drifting-through-life dull confused feelings. why's it have to be this way. 

I now have this weird feeling in my chest about nathan. it's confusion mixed with a  hint of sadness and regret. just a hint though. a hint. 

so I just shut down all communication and connection with Nathan. I'm not feeling any sadness, a bit confused really. I don't know how to feel. yeah, he was kinda cool in the beginning but our conversations became extremely boring and neither one of us had much to say. I tried telling him random stories a few times or like basically make conversations but all he ever really writes back are different variations of laughs or one word answers like yes no and you. he kept talking to me every week though.  and I was usually excited to talk to him but once we got to it, nothing every happened. nothing interesting whatsoever. I'm a pretty boring person myself, I'd have to admit, but at least I actually attempted in steering our conversations in different places other than school, what we were doing, and the whole show-your-face thing. that was pretty annoying. I'm refraining from sending a photo because I know how it usually is when I do. I don't think I'm ugly.. to that extent? sigh. I can't afford to get hurt during this time. anyways, I deleted his number and forgot to save our conversation because my phone stuffed up. I guess it's for the best. as we said bye, he asked if we were actually going to do this. I, of course, could not eat my own words so I stuck with it. he said that he hopes I find my "dream guy" (oh please, I've found him, he just is totally out of my league and has a fucking girlfriend) and that I get my "90 atar". I hope so myself. I was going to say something nice back like I hope he makes it far in the Paralympics or some shit but I was a teeny tiny bit shocked that he didn't try to change my mind or whatever. I guess we were both sick of talking to each other and neither of us meant much to the other. I'm going to be pretty bored every weekend at night now!  Nathan was a bit cool and sweet at times. I don't think talking to him was a waste of time at all. he made me laugh a fair bit and I liked what I felt in those moments. just now talking feels like a bit of a chore and sometimes, you just have to stand back and realize what you're doing and how pointless it is becoming. so yeah, I AM sad it had to come to this because I thought we'd be friends or something but I think it was good that this happened. I hope he remembers me randomly one day in his life. 

So Daniel responded on tumblr after a posted a message for him. He didn't seem excited or happy to see it and there was literally no emotion in his message. He just recounted what he's been up to, wrote a bit about things I should do, shouldn't do etc. we're definitely not close anymore and I feel like I don't want to bother messaging him anymore if in the end, we've lost this whole connection. It saddens me tbh and I really was hoping he'd write one of those nice happy messages. Sigh.. Oh wholly two months does. 

My life is so boring. I can literally cry anytime.