im so angry with myself he is fully gone now :'( those messages were 100% original and came from his phone and now its gone... ALL I HAVE IS A MEMORY UGH UGH UGH

i was thinking of rewriting his messages so it would be kind of similar and at least i would remember some of the stuff he wrote but that would be EXTREMELY WEIRD and gay so ugh memory can you at least fucking remember this. btw my phone password is capslock. lol pls let there be no one i know that reads this blog

at first i was a bit alright with having my phones memory wiped and then i remembered that his messages would be deleted :'(

unbearable pain is unbearable why is it taking so long to restart. i just need to fucking see my empty blackberry. the suspense is killing me. i guess i feel a bit of hope but I KNOW THERE IS NONE UGSAHJDGLHDLUHXJLASKJLAUKGJUAkjshakhjd

everything deleted from my phones bc i forgot the passwrod ugh my friend asked me what my password was and i couldnt remember it weirdly enough its one of those "if you think about it too much you cant do it" things AND NOW I FUCKING HAVE LOST ALL MY CONTACTS I BET and i was like to my mum "can i borrow ur phone so i can put my sim card in.. maybe i saved some stuff in my sim card" and my mum was like "no my phone is like my diary" lol FUCK YOU BITCH why did you ask why i even had a lock on my phone then you selfish mother fucker i hate my mum

my mum is such a hypocrite im so fucking angry dad i love you i cant wait til i move out can i just live with my dad

I hate my mum. She's so fucking selfish and stingy. I will never be like her. I can't wait to move out.

V is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to drink it!!!!!!!!! Hurry up and get cold you douchebag! Hahaha. Ugh I use blogspot like its twitter. OH FUCKING WELL. I just wish I had people to reply back. Oh btw, I nearly cried like 5 times in psychology and 3 other times in my other classes today. I don't even know why! I'd look out the window and (sometimes) think of this "particular" person and I'd feel overwhelmed and my eyes would begin to water. Haha every time I think of them, I get motivated to do well in school but yet I feel extremely sad. ALSO I had to stop myself from laughing in english language today too. lmfaooooo I laugh at the most inappropriate and 'un-funny' (not even a word right?) things. I hope my facial expression didnt look too ridiculous then.. I felt my mouth twitching hahahaha

fuck why do you need to be 18 to buy a simple lighter!!!! I WANT A LIGHTER. lol and its weird that I have so many cigarettes in my room yet I havent even tried. I will one day I guess.. I wont die from taking a puff just because I have asthma right?

According to some people: I AM DESPERATE. Yeah ok thats true thank you for telling me now I know what to call myself and what to say when people ask why I yearn for love so much. Where is he?!!

Yayyyyyyyy! I think I've finally been erased from Googlel! You used to be able to search my first name plus my school and it would come up with pdf files of some stupid awards I won and even a photo in a newsletter!!! I hated it so much and now its gone (I think)! It was a photo of me half smiling but frowning at the same time... so out of place. UGH> im glad its gone woo hoo

I REALLY want some tattoos ugh like they look so cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK my mum would get so mad though hahah! she's always told me since I was little to not get any tattoos. i want an eye tattoo on my ankle (ouch.. hope i can stand the pain) and maybe a pine tree on my arm. i hope i grow some balls before im 18.. tattoo stores are scary

so my mum doesnt trust me... she was like "what homeowkr do you have, SHOW ME" so I said "lol just chapter 1 2 3a and 3b" and she was LIKE "I NEED PROOF. where is it written. where did the teacher write it. im going to call brooke... wait no CLAIRE and ask them" fucking fuck fuck fuck cant wait til im 18. dont need no motherrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I find that when I'm happy, I'm more energetic and confident. Like, I remember the day (or should I say a few hours) after I talked to Dav#e/Oliv#er, I was soooo confident. I had long conversations with people, asked them how they were and spoke really loudly. Funny thing was that I only had 4 hours sleep too, yet I felt so alive! My chest also ached that day too because of my many mini heart attacks that night. I also feel really motivated to do homework when I think of O.. I dont like him or anything, I 'm so confused. I dont know whats happening and why the thought of him is motivating me. I randomly laugh when I remember something in our conversations too, while I'm serving people!!! Its weird. Its not like I dont talk to guys and have good moments lmfao with them. I bet his not even how I'm imagining him BUT WHATEVER thank u anyhow. I just wish there is something (that LASTS) that can motivate me.. a.k.a future lover WHERE the FUCK ARE YOU

labelling myself

i think i am a hetero-romantic asexual lmfao

 I miss Cal!!!!!!! It would have been cool if we were friends. CAL I HOPE YOU DONT FIND THAT BRIDGE YET!! I ACTUALLY CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU. YOU WERE COOL. WHY DO YOU WANT TO DIE. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS ANYMORE??? MEEEEEEEEEEE IM HERE ugh why did i disconnect

i just talked to a guy who wanted to commit suicide by a salt overdose on omegle. its weird because i can never imagine guys feeling extremely sad and wanting to die but oh well wow. he was cool.

friends suck
they arent even friends
mum sucks
what the fuck i cant even explain
i hate myself
i only think random guys talking to me and shit on the street are making fun of me
what is wrong with me
i wish i was someone else
that would be so much cooler
i think i know my cause of death: suicide
time: future probably when im like 30 or maybe 28. come to think of it even maybe 25
i want to do it but im too fucking wimp
ill probs jump off a bridge or something or maybe take some pills
but i dont wanna get my stomach pumped or anything
ugh pain

i feel so sad all the time
sometimes im happy but not FULLY ever
and sometimes im just like im obsessed with the idea of being sad and blablabla
but its not my fault
its the people thats around me thats making me so angry ughhhhhhhhh
not my fault
maybe i should make one of those "thirteen reasons why" thingys like the book, before i die so everyone would know who were the people that made me feel this way
ah so corny

person who gets left out the most here... *points at self*
 fuck friends
who needs friends
they're only temporary so people can tell how "popular" you are at school
im going to be such a loner in uni if I keep being so antisocial
fuck
i hate
my
life
omggsgjhkfjkshfisjhsdljhsdhjslfgslughj whyh

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!