i just wanted to quickly say that as a whole, im happy everything in my life has happened. obviously the little details could be changed for the better but im glad its all happened because i would not be who i am today. im not saying i like myself at all because thats definitely not true. i wouldnt change anything about myself, even the many shitty personality traits. i dont know why.. maybe im proud of who i am, i feel unique. and everything thats happened has caused all this. if i die, as in kill myself, it wont be because i hate myself. it'll be because i dont have the strength to deal with the brutality of life. i dont have the strength because i am me but i wouldnt want to be stronger because then i wouldnt be me. not sure where im getting this all from. i feel pretty stupid for basically saying that im not going to change my shitty self because its 'me', but thats not really what i mean. i mean once i reach my limit and after trying my best, i am who i am and if i cant deal with this world, then its okay. if i dont feel like getting stronger now or improve other aspects of myself, then my stupid choice is me. fuck i sound so stupid. but i really feel this way. im not sure why. too much acceptance maybe? maybe i have somewhat of an ego now.

im back

hi blog

its been more than a year and i'm back. i guess i want attention and hope that someone will see this and in a way, it'll mean they kind of care.

i also removed my old description: depressing blog filled with thoughts of a boring teenage girl, unstructured sentences, simplistic words, childish annoyances and opinions on fucking stupid things and desperate unfulfilled desires for love and lust. 

So a lot went on. I dont know where to start. Justin has gone but we are still friends. He tries to be my friend at least. He also has a girlfriend now. I dont feel too weird about it funnily, I guess I should be more supportive. I get pretty mad when he does things with her that I never got to do with him - like travel to Sydney. And I get a little weird when he seems to see her like every day, when I couldnt even get him to see me more than two times a week. I dont know. People change I guess and their relationship is new. I keep wondering if he thinks I'm prettier than her. I guess it doesnt matter. Why do I care?

So Retrom happened. It was good. It was bad. Super messy. So many things went wrong. But theres no point wishing for it to have happened at a different point in life because it wouldnt be possible anyway and we wouldnt be how we were to each other, we might not have even liked each other. Im glad it happened. Im pretty sad things ended like this though. I really do wish we couldve stayed friends and then maybe faded or got back together or something but I cant take him and the distance he puts between us. I wish he wouldve just said that hed stop being cold. I really tried to suck it up and be the better person at the end but I dont think he was interested anymore. It does suck. If I could go back, I definitely wouldve tried to do a few things more differently, especially be more respectful and mindful of his feelings when it comes to other guys. But it was not just me that made mistakes. I'm pretty bummed, its a real shame. I do miss him and think about him so much. I guess its something to learn from.

So here I am. My situation is lonelier than ever but I feel like I'm able to deal with it. Im not sure if my memory is right but I remember back then I would feel like I was writhing in loneliness, but now, I do get heartaches but I feel capable. I'm not so confident about finding someone. I dont know if I even want to. People are imperfect and there are many imperfections that I really hate. I feel like I'm picky now but I bet if someone comes around and shows interest in me, I'd forget my checklist and only realise I shouldve ran away when its too late. Ok thats not true. Maybe I'm just picky now cos I'm still hung up on Retrom. Idk. Anyway it was nice to talk about it. That instagram blog did not do it for me. One sentence diaries arent enough.

talk later

Keeping it contained because I'm scared of being alone. I wonder if he cares that I feel like this every day. What would he think if he knew? Does he know? 

im missing something in my life.
i think it might be people, i'm so lonely.
im not happy.
if i could die, i really would. im scared though.

i just realised, this is what my boyfriend does when we talk about things; ditch them when they become too much. I complain about it but I guess I do it too aha. the people you hang around with do change you

just another reason to be sad about, yay 25 may

i have to be my own person.
stop relying on someone for happiness.
find my own happiness.
if we break up, i will be strong and move on. ive tried for too long now.
i'm happy about how much i've grown, experienced and matured.
i loved this but it might be time for us to move on from each other.

i dont think he loves me

i cant tell him i am hurt about something without him criticising my wording and laughing at me and ignoring the whole problem. i have to bury everything deep inside me and feel hurt and upset alone, just to please him.

there is something...
i'm not sure
is he withholding something?
he doesnt seem to want me
i honestly feel undesirable and unloved
when i think about it, my heart hurts.
maybe instead of wanting sex simply because it is an act of intimacy, i should choose to not have sex until i reach a particular goal in my life.
i want to stop myself from wanting sex completely.
i need to think of how.

i am replaceable, he said. i'm also not needed.
just something to think about.

i cut

going baad

i feel like no one cares about me.
no one talks to me, not even justin anymore.
not sure what to do.
i dont want to make him mad so ill just be silent.
he doesnt know anything about me or how im feeling.
im so alone..

im "painting [you] as the mean one" because you are the mean one

its like im trying to get what i want again..
but ill try justify myself
today he spoke to me once in the morning and once in the afternoon for about 12 minutes each time. each time he had to leave because he wanted to play with his computer/games.
he wouldnt type to me for about 3 hours and more whilst playing the games. even though each game is like 8 minutes he says. even when hes done with the games he didnt talk to me.
im quite lonely and sad today. im trying not to cry but damn i am lonely.
i keep wanting to tell him that im unhappy and dont like the way hes treating me but i know he'll not want me if i say stuff like that. so im just gonna keep staying quiet. even if im sad, at least i have him.

i am quite sad, but i would be sadder without him. so i will just do what he wants. i will try not to message him anymore unless he talks to me. i just dont want us to grow apart if i do that. but im sure he just feels like i am too much. i will try to stop talking to him but when he does talk to me, i will act happy and cheerful. yes, that is what i will do.

im trying, but i am so alone. he puts in less effort than ever. its harder to try now. im trying so hard. it hurts inside

man i am so lonely

he is so mean
i dont want things to be like this
it makes me want to kill myself
i am so lonely
i just want someone who cares for me
why does no one care for me