hes out of my life but i am so sad. i need someone to comfort me

im so weak... i cant stay broken up with him. i always want him back. its bc i love him, but there are some things which are permanent that i dislike about him...

just try to be ok, ok?

did i cheat? i went on webcam and i flashed two people. i had no desire to see them. just for them to see me. i will ask justin tomorrow

i keep thinking about the valium. i want to take some so bad.

i want to break up with justin but i love him at the same time... he doesnt treat me right though

I just watch bad neighbours.. And it's weird, I kinda want to be something like that with justin oneday. To have a baby and be a family. To do cute things with him and our baby. Idk just to be an adult and do adult things. Just be a little happy family and have this life of my own with justin. 

i feel uncomfortably alone, i cant wait until i have drugs to make me sleep forever and forget about these feelings

we're not going too well. we fight a lot and mostly its due to him not being able to see me at the time we agree on... which leads to other fights. i try to talk to him but he just doesnt see or doesnt want to hear rather. we're not good, the sex sucks. i havent had good sex in weeks and he doesnt want to make me feel good at all. i'm definitely not going to blow him until i can see that he wants to make me feel happy. honestly, im sort of considering breaking up. its not going well, probably wont, and hes not the kind of guy/friend i want in my life right now.

he... doesn't love me (?)

i don't understand why he thinks he does when his actions are different. i'm just like a close friend to him. i think if our relationship was mirrored by others, it would be called a fwb relationship. my feelings are so jumbled right now, i don't know what to do. but i probably should study.

i miss music a lot. i think loneliness made me rely on music to keep me somewhat okay, and now that i have justin, i'm a little less lonely and music hasn't been that important to me. i must appreciate it more before i become one of those people.

he makes me feel unloved sometimes. he never initiates to do anything with me and he acts like he's forced to hang out with me to meet our minimum - which is 2 days per week. One of the days being only a half day. I love him so much, I just wish he loved me the same amount to actually want to be with me. I feel so unloved.

still lonely.

I am not ok. Please help. I feel everything on the negative spectrum. So many feelings right now and I'm scared. I just want to know Justie isn't doing anything bad. I need life to be alright for once. I really just need everything to be normal. I've made so many mistakes by not trying. I don't want to try to try anymore. My bones ache of worry. I want them to crumble and me to be in pain. Then justin will believe I'm in pain and not look down on me. I just want to go. I want to just combust into tiny little particles of dust and fall into many cracks and crevices and hide. This world is uncomfortable. It's a horrid place and no one who is not suited for it should be forced to stay here. I'm a piece of gum stuck to a shoe. Ruck metaphors. I can't stop moving my leg. It's like I'm on LSD and filled with worry. It's running up to my thigh now. I hope me and justin are safe. But then if we've made a mistake, I very very very small bit of me would feel happy we made a baby. I'm scared I won't be spending my life with justin after all and this is probably the only time id be able to make something with him. I really want to be with him forever. Even though I dislike some of the things he does, whenever I think of us living together as adults and happily married, I just feel so excited. He's someone I want forever but I'm not what he wants. He can't spend his life with someone who's sad all the time or won't try. Instead of simply being afraid of him leaving me for someone else, I'm also afraid of him leaving me for me. I need a new neutral heart. This hurts. I want to feel nothjng. I need to go and hide. The world is uncomfortable. I can't take it. Please help me. I don't know what to do. 

i feel so distressed. i can't stop thinking about him every minute and i just want to talk to him. 10 minutes has been literally a struggle today and i have had to stop my lecture a lot. my heart aches so much. i feel like im in agony. it sounds like such an exaggeration but i promise you, what i feel right now is scary and real. i just want him so bad. why isn't he talking to me. :(((((( ughh.

I hope we don't end up forever, but I do at the same time just because I know I'm too weak to survive without him. Hopefully I can replace him before we breakup.

im scared to lose justin because i love him but also im afraid of being completely alone. i will actually have no one for the first time in my life.

I am so lonely. I don't have any friends because I don't want to waste my time on anyone else other than justin. But justin doesn't want to waste his time on me. I am so so lonely. I know I will be like this in the future and I really hope I die soon. I hate this feeling. Its such a waste of money, time and effort keeping myself alive. I would almost give anything to not be in this world anymore.

he thought of me

im scared of losing justin. i dont know what to do. i am failing at life

Yeah.. me and justin are not compatible. We just don't agree and I see him as a little boy. He can't make decisions at all, his brain is slow, his always distracted. I want someone mature. I know people can't be perfect but all this just makes me so angry. He can't do simple tasks. He doesn't realise his wrongdoings. Like, he doesn't even think that coming late to me every.single.fucking. time. is wrong! I just can't take it anymore.