Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't so insecure and self conscious about my appearance. Then I could meet more people.. imagine how many people that I could've been really good friends with but let my fear get in the way. Yes I'm talking about Daniel and Chris.

he would flip if he knew i was writing this stuff about him.

i just want to talk more. i want people to ask me about him. i want to tell people about him. i want him so much, i would give anything. i just want to curl up under his arms and hug him so tight. stay there forever. we can watch oceans 11 for eternity. i sound so creepy. but im just being corny and yeah. i do love him.

I just want to express my love for O so much but Im so bad with words. I just really really really love him. I want to read more about him. Im really upset. WHy did he have to stop talking to me. at first i was confused as to whether i actually liked him or not. now i admit it finally, after one year, I love O. even though we only had a few conversations. I love him. and it hurts. I would do anything for him, really. if I die, this blog will forever be on the internet. funny hey. my soul will sort of be alive and so will be my love for oliver. i wonder if when im like a 40 year old woman, i'd remember this. how i felt right now and how much I wanted oliver. im really scared of the future. i just want it to stay like how it is right now, even though my life is terrible. i dont know... im sick of life. i really want to die. theres nothing good in my life. my parents are alright, i love them but i guess, not enough to stay alive. my friends.. well can you even call them friends? i would say they're the people i hang out at school and sometimes out of school with because i prefer them over the other fucking idiots at my school. school i hate too, but im not as self conscious and constantly feeling anxiety in comparison to the real world. i really want oliver. he'll never like me. im just an immature (am i? i always thought i was more mature compared to a lot of girls at my school, but recently, i've come across some of their tumblr blogs and they're actually really deep human beings which confirms the theory that teenagers think that no one else in the world feels like how they do and will not understand).. ahem continuing on... unattractive (avoiding the word ugly because sometimes i think im ugly but there are times where im like hey im actually kind of pretty idk)... lazy, depresssing, stupid, insecure, awkward, antisocial, weird, sad, shy girl. im nothing.. but i want something.. oliver.

thoughts about O during bio study

I actually can't stop thinking about him, even though its been about a year now. Every time I think about him and certain parts of our conversations and details, I get this aching feeling in my chest. I don't know if its just heart palpitations or what but it hurts and ugh it makes me miss him more. Kinda funny cause I've never met him. I love how he actually thought a lot about me during that time.. calling me with a private number. Kind of low for a 22 year old but what the hell right?! At least they're thinking of you. He never called back after I picked up though. Could it be because of my child like voice? I always sound like a freaking kid on the phone. Awkward kid. I just really want to be with him. He probably deleted my number after I texted happy birthday and I didn't want to text again because once is enough. Maybe this is why I like him so much, because he doesn't like me. I think if a guy plays hard to get or whatever.. in his case: ignores you, I always think about them more and want to talk to them more. Its happened with at least two people. If I'm the person that sends the last text/message in a conversation, then I get really annoyed. Only if the message is a new idea though. So if he says bye, and I say bye last, then all is fine but if we're talking about, say, music and I say 'sorry I gotta go, talk later' and he doesn't reply, then I get really fucking annoyed. I do that to so many people.. maybe thats why they keep trying to talk to me. I remember faintly that I ignored a few of his texts cause I wasn't sure what to say. The one about him travelling. He wrote a lot too, I wonder how that must've felt. Wow, gosh I'm sorry. I probably didn't reply because my phone was new and I thought that I might waste my 180 dollars worth of credit. Now I'm just like yeah yeah. I think I'm really attracted to him also because of his intelligence. The conversations with him just flowed well.. as far as I can remember and he spoke so naturally and not forced. His intelligence was evident through his atar score and the uni he attends. For some reason it makes me happy just thinking about that. I really miss him and I just hope that someday we'll meet and he'd be as nice as he was last year. Where would I even see him though? Not at uni because I'm not smart enough to get in. Oh I'll just forever remember him. Its weird, he's probably forgotten about me. That's what everyone does. I remember he hinted about sleeping together hahaha, honestly, I would have said yes right then and there. Just for him. I dont even fucking care about this stuff anymore. I hate my life and I just want him. I hate everyone else. I have fucking nothing to live for. I remember the day when I thought I spoke to him.. of course it was Dave, but I actually genuinely thought it was him. No doubts. I over thought a lot of things Dave said and ugh, anyways, I was so happy that day. My life was great. I was experiencing what I reckon every fucking normal person experiences - happiness and bliss. I went to work that day energetic and enthusiastic. I fucking said how are you to everyone! I was so confident, it was like I took a drug. Is happiness a drug? Or maybe sadness is the drug here and I was sober in terms of drugs (I don't know the word for it). The feeling was great. No anxiety whatsoever and even though I was in pain because of my aching chest (??? shock??? stress?? love???), I didn't mind and didn't care. I guess this is what happens when you actually love someone so much. I think that its possible to love someone even thought you don't know what they look like and never met them. I just really love him ugh. If he ever reads this somehow... lol, sorry, I sound like a fucking mental case and so creepy. Im sorry but this is how I really feel. Also Im a bit desperate so out of all the guys I know, youre the most preferable. (and you're perfect)

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

I want this so much. :'( Obviously I cant get it right now because Ive already got expensive things for my birthday.. now to get over 90% for my tests/exams/sacs. none of my subjects are looking very good right now. not even re art -_-

Reasons I tend to not talk

• people always interrupt me to tell another story because apparently my story isn’t good enough for their ears
• i sound like an idiot who just learned to talk two hours ago
• people seem disinterested in what i’m saying
• i hate my voice
• i have something really mean to say
• i hate you
• i repeat because this happens a lot: people interrupt me and never let me finish and i feel really shitty about myself because no one seems to want to listen to me

yeah i copied this from a post on tumblr. its just so accurate. even where it says "an idiot who just learned to talk 2h ago". i sound like someone who cant form proper sentences, who gets their verbs tenses and shit mixed

yes oh and no one listens to me. i wouldnt even be able to finish a story without being interrupted. everyone then turns their attention to the interrupter (if thats even a word) FUCK. it happens all the time. its like im less important than other people. there's this one girl who obviously knows that im annoyed at her for listening to someone else over me, so after the person has finished...every time, she'd be like "danica hey what were you saying about that thing?" and of course, i always say "..oh, nothing"

i hate the feeling of your parents favouring some other person more than u i hate thinking about my feelings i think im going to cry tonight argh maybe now if i dont stop thinking about sad shit

its raining, i feel so sad, my heart is aching

hi whats up, I'm scared of the future.

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Hi I can't be bothered writing everything but basically my mum is now not trusting me with homeowrk lmfao. She's checking my books and asking for written evidence of the hw I need to do. Why don't I just get all my teachers to write my hw in my diary for me and sign it. Ugh. Its not like u do every question in the book either. She won't turn the internet on so how am. I meant to do my english homework? And chem ugh I hate my mum so much. I really want to die right now. I'm envious and jelous of other peoples families. The main reason I'm going to get a really low atar I reckon is bc of my mum. I need freedom. I bet. I won't even be allowed to go out. Ill do want then but ill probs have no friends and its all my mums fault. She's ruining my life. Anyone who reads this will probably think I'm overreacting and exaggerating but I KNOW u would hate it if she was your mother too. I don't even bother asking if I can go to a friends house or party or whatever because I know the answer would be "maybe" on the verge of "no" and lots of questions would be asked plus talking to their parents and n my friends would regret inviting me. I hate my life. This blog has basically no happy posts. Let's end it with I WANT TO KILL MYSELF BUT IM A FUCKING WIMP..............................................

im so angry with myself he is fully gone now :'( those messages were 100% original and came from his phone and now its gone... ALL I HAVE IS A MEMORY UGH UGH UGH

i was thinking of rewriting his messages so it would be kind of similar and at least i would remember some of the stuff he wrote but that would be EXTREMELY WEIRD and gay so ugh memory can you at least fucking remember this. btw my phone password is capslock. lol pls let there be no one i know that reads this blog

at first i was a bit alright with having my phones memory wiped and then i remembered that his messages would be deleted :'(

unbearable pain is unbearable why is it taking so long to restart. i just need to fucking see my empty blackberry. the suspense is killing me. i guess i feel a bit of hope but I KNOW THERE IS NONE UGSAHJDGLHDLUHXJLASKJLAUKGJUAkjshakhjd

everything deleted from my phones bc i forgot the passwrod ugh my friend asked me what my password was and i couldnt remember it weirdly enough its one of those "if you think about it too much you cant do it" things AND NOW I FUCKING HAVE LOST ALL MY CONTACTS I BET and i was like to my mum "can i borrow ur phone so i can put my sim card in.. maybe i saved some stuff in my sim card" and my mum was like "no my phone is like my diary" lol FUCK YOU BITCH why did you ask why i even had a lock on my phone then you selfish mother fucker i hate my mum

my mum is such a hypocrite im so fucking angry dad i love you i cant wait til i move out can i just live with my dad

I hate my mum. She's so fucking selfish and stingy. I will never be like her. I can't wait to move out.

V is sitting in the fridge waiting for me to drink it!!!!!!!!! Hurry up and get cold you douchebag! Hahaha. Ugh I use blogspot like its twitter. OH FUCKING WELL. I just wish I had people to reply back. Oh btw, I nearly cried like 5 times in psychology and 3 other times in my other classes today. I don't even know why! I'd look out the window and (sometimes) think of this "particular" person and I'd feel overwhelmed and my eyes would begin to water. Haha every time I think of them, I get motivated to do well in school but yet I feel extremely sad. ALSO I had to stop myself from laughing in english language today too. lmfaooooo I laugh at the most inappropriate and 'un-funny' (not even a word right?) things. I hope my facial expression didnt look too ridiculous then.. I felt my mouth twitching hahahaha

fuck why do you need to be 18 to buy a simple lighter!!!! I WANT A LIGHTER. lol and its weird that I have so many cigarettes in my room yet I havent even tried. I will one day I guess.. I wont die from taking a puff just because I have asthma right?