i cut

going baad

i feel like no one cares about me.
no one talks to me, not even justin anymore.
not sure what to do.
i dont want to make him mad so ill just be silent.
he doesnt know anything about me or how im feeling.
im so alone..

im "painting [you] as the mean one" because you are the mean one

its like im trying to get what i want again..
but ill try justify myself
today he spoke to me once in the morning and once in the afternoon for about 12 minutes each time. each time he had to leave because he wanted to play with his computer/games.
he wouldnt type to me for about 3 hours and more whilst playing the games. even though each game is like 8 minutes he says. even when hes done with the games he didnt talk to me.
im quite lonely and sad today. im trying not to cry but damn i am lonely.
i keep wanting to tell him that im unhappy and dont like the way hes treating me but i know he'll not want me if i say stuff like that. so im just gonna keep staying quiet. even if im sad, at least i have him.

i am quite sad, but i would be sadder without him. so i will just do what he wants. i will try not to message him anymore unless he talks to me. i just dont want us to grow apart if i do that. but im sure he just feels like i am too much. i will try to stop talking to him but when he does talk to me, i will act happy and cheerful. yes, that is what i will do.

im trying, but i am so alone. he puts in less effort than ever. its harder to try now. im trying so hard. it hurts inside

man i am so lonely

he is so mean
i dont want things to be like this
it makes me want to kill myself
i am so lonely
i just want someone who cares for me
why does no one care for me

I hope to kill myself soon. I am so lonely and I feel so uncared for 

to just disappear would be the best thing that to happen to me. i just want to disappear and never come back to this life. i want to hike alone up mountains and then jump off.

lately, i've been feeling helpless.

its pretty terrible. i really want to disappear.

I hope that the time I have right now is meant to be used to simply gain strength and courage to kill myself in the future. I hope I have the power to. This world is seriously not for me. I feel lost, anxious and empty every day. I feel anger and alone. I feel like I have nothing. And I almost believe that that is true. I try to maintain friendships but they seem to not want me. I wonder what about me makes me such an undesirable friend or lover. Is it my face? The things I say? My attitude? I feel like I try to be positive with everyone but I almost don't do it anymore. I can seriously give up the facade and be my emotionless self - too tired to say anything or give big emotions, other than being afraid. I feel too tired to talk nowadays. I used to say things I observed or wonder out loud but now I'm just too tired. I just think about them. And I think about why I'm not saying them out loud. Life is strange and life has changed. I really just want it to be complete.

it is very unfortunate for me.

i am so very lonely

my posts are so depressing. i hope they'll be something positive enough to write about but i guess i never think about documenting positive things that happen to me. i guess drearydreary was an absolute accurate name for this blog.

my arm looks disgusting

i wont cheat on you, i promise. im so sorry i even thought about it.

i was deeply considering cheating on him. he doesnt care about making me happy. he's always first and once he's done, im not cared for. idk i am so against cheating, why am i thinking about it. i shouldnt right? but why do i want to so much. i think its just to get revenge and hurt him for hurting me. ive tried to tell him about my feelings but he didnt reply. idk. if i cheat will i have to tell him? will it break us up? will he ever trust me again? what kind of a person would i be if i cheated? why do i not love him enough to not cheat? i am thinking about myself too but i have been uncared for for too long. im really sad. idk why he wont have sex with me when i ask for it. boyfriends are meant to make their girlfriends happy. its unfair for me to  always give and not receive