I now have this weird feeling in my chest about nathan. it's confusion mixed with a  hint of sadness and regret. just a hint though. a hint. 

so I just shut down all communication and connection with Nathan. I'm not feeling any sadness, a bit confused really. I don't know how to feel. yeah, he was kinda cool in the beginning but our conversations became extremely boring and neither one of us had much to say. I tried telling him random stories a few times or like basically make conversations but all he ever really writes back are different variations of laughs or one word answers like yes no and you. he kept talking to me every week though.  and I was usually excited to talk to him but once we got to it, nothing every happened. nothing interesting whatsoever. I'm a pretty boring person myself, I'd have to admit, but at least I actually attempted in steering our conversations in different places other than school, what we were doing, and the whole show-your-face thing. that was pretty annoying. I'm refraining from sending a photo because I know how it usually is when I do. I don't think I'm ugly.. to that extent? sigh. I can't afford to get hurt during this time. anyways, I deleted his number and forgot to save our conversation because my phone stuffed up. I guess it's for the best. as we said bye, he asked if we were actually going to do this. I, of course, could not eat my own words so I stuck with it. he said that he hopes I find my "dream guy" (oh please, I've found him, he just is totally out of my league and has a fucking girlfriend) and that I get my "90 atar". I hope so myself. I was going to say something nice back like I hope he makes it far in the Paralympics or some shit but I was a teeny tiny bit shocked that he didn't try to change my mind or whatever. I guess we were both sick of talking to each other and neither of us meant much to the other. I'm going to be pretty bored every weekend at night now!  Nathan was a bit cool and sweet at times. I don't think talking to him was a waste of time at all. he made me laugh a fair bit and I liked what I felt in those moments. just now talking feels like a bit of a chore and sometimes, you just have to stand back and realize what you're doing and how pointless it is becoming. so yeah, I AM sad it had to come to this because I thought we'd be friends or something but I think it was good that this happened. I hope he remembers me randomly one day in his life. 

So Daniel responded on tumblr after a posted a message for him. He didn't seem excited or happy to see it and there was literally no emotion in his message. He just recounted what he's been up to, wrote a bit about things I should do, shouldn't do etc. we're definitely not close anymore and I feel like I don't want to bother messaging him anymore if in the end, we've lost this whole connection. It saddens me tbh and I really was hoping he'd write one of those nice happy messages. Sigh.. Oh wholly two months does. 

My life is so boring. I can literally cry anytime. 

Everyone can be amazing. Everyone can be loved by someone, no matter how they look.

I'm talking to Nathan and he doesn't understand anything I'm saying about the night and the feelings you get. It's made me realize how much I miss daniel. He was the only one who got me and these feelings. I wish we still spoke. I miss out meaningful conversations about existence and life. 

So I asked Mac if he wanted to come to a pelican gig with me. I have a feeling he won't, as he's not into postmetal. I hope he really considers it and doesn't think that he shouldn't because he's my tutor. It doesn't even matter. It's not like real school where you can treat someone better than the other and interfere with sac scores and stuff. I really hope he decides to come. I find it easy to talk to him but when David's there.. I can't. I have no idea why. I think it's because of the socially awkward thing when there's more than two in a group. I need to get over that 

I can't get over this part of the conversation with Nathan. Yes, another omegle guy. But he's so normal and everything. Lives in williamstown, knows people from my school. We have 32 mutuals but unfortunately I hate all of them. He goes clubbing too and has cerebral palsy in his right arm and leg. That part always confuses me. Like he seems so cool and outgoing with all these friends and then just out of nowhere, he says he's disabled. Doesn't matter though. He's so nice and funny. 

So lonely. I want to help other lonely people. 

No one talks to me anymore. I think it's because of the way I look. And if they don't talk to me, I don't persist and resort to ignoring them. I am going to live a very lonely life. 

It's holidays! And I'm so happy. I feel a sense of joy and relief. I'm relaxed with little worry. I have two weeks to do homework.. That should be plenty. Plus I haven't got much anyways but should still do extra... Possibly ;) ahhh this feels so good. And when I finish some homework, I will feel like I've achieved something because no. I didn't need to do homework today but I took initiative and did it! One out of the way. I shall do methods today and finish it all so I can just practice my past chapters later on. Sighhh this is just wonderful. Oh btw I talked to a guy with the cutest voice yesterday. So hot. Like all the guys I've ever talked to; Daniel, Tom, Loc, Alex and one-time randoms, nicks voice is just amazing. It's not too deep, it's soothing somehow and makes me feel comfortable. Ahh I like guys too easily. 

sometimes I miss daniel a lot. currently playing: warpaint - stars. I wish I could go back and really tell him how I feel.. but then I wouldn't have known that I thought he was special to me. the only thing I can do is tell him now.. but I'm not brave enough. and so, I shall wait until one day he messages me. I will not give in.


4/10/2013 1:10:14 pm: Daniel: I don't want him to like you haha

4/10/2013 1:10:17 pm: Danica: :o

4/10/2013 1:10:18 pm: Danica: Haahaha

4/10/2013 1:10:31 pm: Danica: </3

4/10/2013 1:10:38 pm: Daniel: Then he'll take you away :(

4/10/2013 1:10:46 pm: Daniel: And he'll have you haha

Life

School is boring. I sat with this other group today and felt so out of place. I do not fit in with them, with anybody ugh. I don't think I will ever have friends. That's kind o what worries me... Having to work with people and sitting alone at work every lunchtime. I don't mind it, it's just that I don't want to appear that way. Like a total loser. But I guess I am 

sigh

So...
I feel empty again. Like I have no goals or aims in life. Sure I guess vce is kind of an aim but its not something I'm enjoying working towards. Anyway, the point of this rant is to notify you, future danica, that today I had tutoring. I was making conversation and asked him how adelaide was and who he went with. He said he went with his girlfriend. Oh lucky me. I'm in love with the most perfect guy and he so happens to have a girlfriend. Ugh fucking hell. I felt so disappointed. I could barely respond and all I said was 'oh cool'. I then tried really hard to forget about it but the fact that he had a girlfriend just stayed in my mind. I tried not to cry. She's so lucky. I hope she knows it. I would do anything to be in her place. She gets to kiss him, touch him, listen to him talk about his life.. And he LOVES her. Ugh. He chose her. His heart aches for HER and not me. She's so lucky. She gets to do everything with him. She's the one he think about all the time.
Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Sigh. And he's 26 as well. I hope they fucking break up. I really do. I'm so angry and sad and confused. I don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't try to get close to him anymore.. Not that it was evident in any of my actions. Sigh. Life is hard when you're trying to get by without the feeling of love being felt for you. When love is unrequited. And the person doesn't even know how much you love them.

It sucks when you have exciting news but no one to tell it to.

tom (OOPS FORGOT TO POST AND NEVER FINISHED IT)

tom called me yesterday at 4:41am. I thought he was Alex (the guy me and Brooke spoke to) because I was originally messaging him until I fell asleep and he had a similar voice so at first I was like 'oh my god did I fall asleep, wait why are you calling blablabla' but I didnt want to hang up so I laid in bed talking to him for a few minutes.. still trying to fully wake up. It wasnt until I looked at the number on my screen that I realised it didn't say Alex so it was someone else calling me. I sat up and was so confused that all I could say was something like 'wait who is this. what the hell. fuck' and hung up. He texted me all this weird shit like 'I am the father of your kids'. I was wide awake by then and picked up when he called. I suspected it was Tom because I saw his viber profile photo which was of a black screen. Anyways his voice was similar to what I expected. It reflected the way he typed back then. He sounds kind of like Jonah. Its funny though because the phone call to me didn't feel awkward at all.. even though he said pretty weird stuff like 'I missed you', 'youre beautiful', 'youre gorgeous', 'i want to have your kids', 'you have beautiful eyes', 'you're so smart'. in the beginning, I was just like 'okay then... ha' and then it became funny to the point where I would say it back to him. I called him beautiful haha. at one point, he was like 'i love you, do you love me' and I said 'i love you!!!'. he kept speaking slowly taking

i feel like im in a dream everytime i think about the fact that he leant me his cd's

wow

You may die in the RADIANS, says Laura.

Or whatever it's called. ;)

He leant me two CDs today after we got talking about post-rock. He saw the sufjan stevens and mono albums on my USB and was like 'I'm impressed' hehehe. I shouldve said 'good, I'm glad' hahaha. But anyway he doesn't like the heavy-type post-rock I'm into :'( ah well, who says that lovers need to share the same music tastes ;) haha kidding. Well he leant me to CDs and I'm happy. When we don't see each other anymore, I'll open my itunes and remember today. Sigh. Everything worked out so well and I realised that in my life, there is a balance of both happiness and sadness. Today was one of the saddest days, I couldn't stop crying. But then I saw mac and I became happy again. OR maybe all my days are usually sad and that little things just make me happy because I appreciate it more.

he is sick

Mac is sick and I don't know but I feel a sudden surge of concern for him. Creepy as this may (more like 'will') sound, I want to be right there with him and help him get better. He's so cute. He's never cut down a lesson before just cause he's sick. I'll laugh if he's not really and is maybe like smoking with his friends or something aha. But I really believe that he is sick and I want to go over there and bring him soup or something. Ugh. I wish I was more than a stupid teenager to him.

I don't miss daniel anymore. Yes, I do think of him from time to time. Often, even. But its not like my heart aches or I feel sad. I'm just neutral and curious as to what he's been up to. We've grown so far apart over the end of 2013 to now. What ever happened? Honestly. And he probably feels the same way about me. I'm fine with it. I don't care anymore. And I'm glad this doesn't affect me like it used to, or else I'd be even more sad. Ah well, thank you Daniel for being a part of my life (sounds so corny) back in 2013. Oh how times flies and people change.