im scared of losing justin. i dont know what to do. i am failing at life

Yeah.. me and justin are not compatible. We just don't agree and I see him as a little boy. He can't make decisions at all, his brain is slow, his always distracted. I want someone mature. I know people can't be perfect but all this just makes me so angry. He can't do simple tasks. He doesn't realise his wrongdoings. Like, he doesn't even think that coming late to me every.single.fucking. time. is wrong! I just can't take it anymore.

justie, i love you so much and i dont want to lose you to anyone. I want you to be completely mine because I love you. That's why it surprises me so much that you aren't that protective of me. It could be because you're a guy, I don't know. But every time we don't talk I miss you and have a hard time doing other things. I remember back then, I couldn't even watch a movie without thinking about you. I'm so selfish, Justie and I'm such a bad person. I don't want you doing anything else but be with me. I think about you simply going to work and I'm scared you'll forget me. You're out at Lukes right now with a bunch of other people and all these scenarios are going through my head. They're pretty bad and are similar to november. Ones even that you think someone is cute. I feel so jealous and sad. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself or if its because you broke my trust once and I can't get over it because when we had that talk about cheating, you didn't completely agree with me. I don't know what to do with you. I want to be with you because you are perfect to me, except for this problem where I can barely trust you. I dont know if I should let myself be in a constant torture every time you aren't with me. I feel like if this happens often, I'm going to kill myself. And again, I'm selfish and want you to know that it'll be because of you. I'm a bad person. You deserve someone better but I want you and I'm not going to let them have you. Fuck now I just feel angry at you. If you ever cheat on me (cheat under my definition) I'm going to fucking do something so bad you'll regret it. I wonder if I'll die from suicide with cheating being the trigger. Anyways fuck you justin for ruining my ability to trust you. And fuck me for being me. I hate myself so much and I can't believe I just said that to "you". I'm cruel, I don't deserve anything, I don't deserve this life, this environment..etc but I'm going to take it for now. And you have no idea what kind of a person your girlfriend is. I'm so sorry. I think I should just kill myself. Such a person cannot live in this world. Fuck. I never realised how much I hate myself.

hi. so justin is out at his friend's house, having dinner with like 10 people. idk why I'm so paranoid and scared of him cheating on me. even the thought of him flirting with some other girl or sharing some sort of connection with other girls scare me. I can't concentrate at all and havent been concentrating since i woke up at 2. i'm so scared and i actually feel stressed out. he doesn't text me back often either. i want to ask him to text me back once in a while but i can never let him know that im this paranoid when he does things other than hang with me. im so scared. i feel selfish for getting internally sad when i find out hes going to hang with other people and secretly hope that he doesnt have fun. what sort of a girlfriend am i. idk why i cant trust him already. i think its because of november. i wish that never happened, then i could just be normal. this feeling right now is horrible. i just want tonight to be over and receieve a text from him already. i dont want him to get drunk or tipsy and sit next to a girl and think dirty thoughts or touch her. ugh idk what to doooo. im so stuck. i hope he tells me nothing happened. i hope he loves me enough. this is why i want to die, i cant take stuff like this. honestly this is what im most afraid of. i could probably say that my greatest fear is to have justin cheat on me. and my definition of cheating encompasses a fucking lot. ah. i just want to die. i want drugs to make me happy at times like this. i dont think writing it out helps at all. im just getting more and more scared. i really hope he texts me soon. its 10pm already and i havent heard from him since 5:35. i feel jealous for him easily spending time with other people until 10 when he would easily leave me and go home other days. i really dont want to be an annoying girlfriend but im so tempted to just blow up his phone and get an answer. i think i'm gonna tell him that i was worried he'll do something bad. its best if he knows. i dont want to have to fake interest and play off my paranoid questions as some conversational thing. oh my god im scared

I dont know what to do with Justin. I dont think I am shallow for wanting him to have a better and more healthy body. Am I? I just dont want to feel a little less attracted to him.. I know I could love him so much more. I keep making him sad by talking about this in a very ineffective way. And for some reason I just let myself be mean. Its like I am sick of him not realising what he's doing to himself and also me and I want to treat him like a fucking adult. Maybe I shouldnt be too blunt because I wouldnt want him doing that to me. I'm so mean. I dont deserve Justie

I like when he pauses and looks at me, then makes an 'mmm' sound and I can hear him smiling and hugs me and tells me he loves me.

What's really strange is that I feel so sad but then I don't care anymore. Am I afraid to lose him or not? Does breaking up with justin even matter to me? I think I'll be devastated, yes, but I know we'll break up eventually. There are things that prove we're incompatible. Habits he has which I dislike. And then there's the thought that there are so many girls out there for him who are way better than me. I'm actually not good at all. I'm very suited to death. I just can't wait for the day where everything that makes me sad is gone. And I'm probably just in a IDC mood because justin wants to talk to me and I'm ignoring him. It's for the best. I need him to know that seeing him angry at me makes me really sad. I don't like to be treated as if I'm annoying. But idk I do love him. Ugh idk what I'm saying anymore

I'm trusting him completely.

The feeling of trusting someone so fully is really strange. I'm a little on edge for now but I feel like a weight has been lifted. My heart feels spacious and open.

I woke up today and no longer feel entirely connected to justin. We're still together but only connected by threads or something. It's not like we were a close covalent bond before. It's a really strange feeling; I'm not alone but I am alone. Almost like I'm single but I still have someone for now and the more I think about how not close we are, the more distant it actually feels. He's made me love him less and it sucks. The love I felt then was extremely strong, I thought about forever almost every day and I wanted forever to happen. Now that I know he thinks something 'wrong' (including those little things not worth mentioning) will happen eventually, forever is dissolving and my love for him has lessened. I feel almost no anger, I feel sad and hopeless. Apparently these things are bound to happen.. But why can't he stop it. How am I so certain I won't do anything wrong when he's certain that oneday it'll happen? I feel like I'm about to lose something due to me out-growing it or like, I've just learnt that it's mainstream and don't want it anymore. Bad metaphors. I can't believe I'm barely feeling love for Justin. I want to love him again. Hopefully his voice will make me love him. 

I seem to always be unsatisfied sexually with justin. I don't want to ask him to do things to me because it becomes needy and I want him to want to do things to me more. I tried guiding his hands but he just never got the message. We always do things that are good for him and rarely ever for me anymore. I wonder if back then when he sometimes would do things for me, if it was just because it somehow benefitted him. Not sure in what particular way but maybe he just wanted to explore and now he's bored of it. I get bored of blowjobs but I always do it for him. It really is so unfair. I don't know if in relationships there always has to be a giver and a receiver. Why can't we both be equal. I want things too. Just because I never did in the beginning and never touch myself does not mean that I don't want things. I wish he knew.

i had sex twice today with justin. its not as good as you think. its pretty disappointing. glad it was with him though, hes cute. im a bit sad.

I love Justin! I really do love him. He makes me so fucking happy. He incidentally had to stay over last night because it was too late for him to go home. And all I could think about when I was in my room was that he was actually only a few feet away from me sleeping. I wanted to sneak out there and curl into his chest. In the morning when I finally decided to go check on him, seeing him standing there with his cute green tshirt and messy soft hair made me so happy. I wonder how it would feel to actually wake up to him next to me. I'm sort of excited for the future. I hope Justin is a big part of it for a while.

I've been so unhappy lately. I'm so bored and lacking motivation for everything. I want to see justin but he doesn't want to see me more. Three days a week sucks. It just feels like I'm one of his hobbys, a lesser hobby too, with weekly scheduled days. I love him so much and I love this feeling of being able to give him my love but I'm also stuck in the aftermath of seeing him. I'm getting sadder and sadder the more I see him. It's like I'm getting more attached, yet he is not. At first I would get sad a day after I see him, then the night before, and now it's two hours before I part from him. I just love him so much but he's making me sad. Or am I doing this to myself? I really need to improve. I need to do things to take my mind off of him. I will try to read tonight. I will do some exercises. I can't go for a walk because I'm too self conscious  plus I need some sort of goal. I'll just read and exercise and stay positive. I'll do a 30 minute uphill walk on the treadmill. Yes. I'm just so negative all the time. I fucking have to stop. Writing all this makes me feel so much better. So when my mum comes home, I'll eat, watch half a movie, 30 min walk, exercise til my body aches, shower, face mask, read, finish movie and talk to justin whenever he messages me. :) 

Teary Justie

I told justin that I'm waiting to die and that I want to and his eyes went pink and he had tears in his eyes. I feel strange for still finding it hard to believe that he loves me even though this is some evidence? 

I'm so jealous of everything. This is really bad. Every girl justin talks to or interacts with, I feel uncomfortable. Obviously I'm not going to tell him what he can and can't do but it irks me so fucking much. I think I'm just really insecure that I think he'd leave me for any girl he talks to an he's someone who likes people really easy. I need to trust him somehow. Or I need to get more guy friends of my own to know that nothing will happen. I think. 

I love Justin so much

I'm so happy to have someone like him. I feel so special and lucky. He makes me think things will be okay. I would actually die for him. 

I have Justin, but I still feel so alone in this world. I feel like he doesn't talk to me much anymore, less than 20 minutes a day and thats randomly. I wish he would put more effort in. I don't really know what to do. I have a boyfriend yet I feel the need to seek ANY friend. I don't really know what to do. I feel like this world is just not for me because I can't deal with things like these. It's just not suitable. I'm so lonely and the person that I love the most doesn't even try to talk to me. I don't really understand.

Experience of MDMA for the first time

Positive:

• Music sounds louder, can concentrate on the music and inhibitions lowered enough to be able to dance even in a public setting.
• Happiness
• Can talk to Justin about anything
• Loving Justin immensely (and my feelings have increased)
• Time appears slower as more things are crammed into the period (more conversations)
• Able to still make choices and withhold certain information, as well as carefully choosing words
• Can help Justin when he is upset
• Vision appears hawk-like after the 'trip'
• Confidence when walking around and interacting with people

Negative:

• Eyes shaking, cross-eyed
• Jelly limbs and cannot sit upright 
• Speech seems incredibly slowed when it is not really
• Sad at times (probably due to some conversation topics)
• Teeth chattering, clamping and grinding
• Comedown: A period of absolutely no feelings which lasted for around an hour (didn't know if I loved Justin or not, super confused), grinding teeth (approx. over 24 hours), desperate to talk to Justin and couldn't stop thinking about and missing him (could be because I'm now more dependent on him and the experience enhanced my love for him), tiredness and fatigue, no appetite (24+ hours), cathartic conversations in my head to 'Justin'  (still fucking going... I think I'm going crazy), craving for more MDMA, considering suicide from an MDMA overdose when I'm older.

I can clearly see that the negative repercussions amount to a number greater than the advantages, yet still the feeling is so good that I'll just have to deal with the comedown. It's only that that I'm worried about, especially having no feelings again. I was so confused, but I'll just stay strong and next time plan an MDMA day/s where I can receive comfort from Justin. 

Settings/events where I would like to do MDMA:

• With Justin (for close and intimate conversations)
• Post-rock gig (for the head-banging)
• Gig with upbeat/electronic/funky music (to dance)
• At a free house with Justin (so we can use the bed, of course)
• At a park (for the outdoor experience)
• With friends that are girls (may discuss different things to what Justin and me spoke about)

Overall, it was a really good experience and I would absolutely do it again! Thank god Justin has the drugs though, I don't know how he can control himself from taking some right now because if I had them at home, I would totally do them - even by myself. I'm glad I'm with Justin.

i love justin so so so so much. i'm so happy he is with me. he is the best thing ever. i feel so lucky

I love Justin and he is my boyfriend!!! Yay!