Hi blog, nice font change. I haven't written in a while. I was quite happy to be honest. Almost forgot how sad I usually am. Thanks to Justin and going out every weekend I think. My psychologist reminded me of my shit life though. I started to remember and realise how things really are and now I can't stop thinking about my future. I really don't want to go on. I'm actually dreading it. Not looking forward to anything. I'm slightly fearful and scared too. Especially the socialising part. I have no idea how I'm going to deal with everything. Anyways, I'm sad again. Quite a lot lately. Partly due to exams. I don't even care anymore. It's like this every year. I didn't even study the night before biology. I literally had given up. I wonder what atar I'm going to get. I hope I make at least 80.
Ok so the point of opening this post up is because I wan't to vent about Justin. I thought that by asking him out meant that we are together and that he wouldn't do anything with other girls. But I have a feeling that he would/has. It's so easy for him to and I know that if I was in his shoes and some girl came up to me for a hookup or flirted with me, I would reciprocate. Having little affection from the opposite sex in your life does that to you. You don't try to stop yourself and you wouldn't consider other people's feelings. I try not to do that to Justin, like if guys flirted with me or whatever I would try to refrain from doing it back, just so I wouldn't feel guilty about it and so that I know I'm not one of those types of people who would cheat or whatever. Ahh I don't feel like Justin's taking this relationship thing seriously. I feel like we aren't going out at all and that we're still simply friends. We even put an expiry date on our relationship. I don't think normal people do that. So around two days ago he went to a friend's house. Like around midnight, we texted a bit and he told me that there was just his friend, friend's gf and gf's friend left. I joked that he should get with her. I don't know why I do that stuff. I think because I want him to tell me that he wouldn't and make me feel wanted. I'm not sure. Anyways, they were all drunk and he told me she wanted to get with him. They were 'rubbing legs' apparently. I was so upset and jealous when he told me. I literally couldn't comprehend and I felt so sad and betrayed. I couldn't believe he would do that. And that night I could barely sleep, just imagining them kissing or touching. I tried so hard to distract myself; reading every single fucking post on reddit to exhaust myself, listening to old music with lyrics, and using all my mental effort to push out the 'what if' thoughts. Then in the morning he texted me and told me that nothing happened. Strangely though, he was super distant. It seemed as if he didn't understand what he made me feel and how hurt I was. Lately he's been like that too. I don't think he likes me anymore... or maybe he likes someone else. But I like him so much that it's bloody fucking annoying. Why am I going through liking someone who treats me like this or makes me feel this way without even knowing. I don't think he knows. He even said "you know when you do things to feel good just in the moment? well we leaned on each other to keep warm". Man I'm still so upset. Typing this still hurts. I can literally imagine it. Anyways, he hasn't been texting me back normally. Its like he ignores me and maybe texts after 5 hours or so. It sucks and I don't know why he's doing it. I've been telling him that I like him a lot and that I miss him, he says it back sometimes but it doesn't seem genuine. I really think he doesn't like me anymore. I even asked him about the texting back thing and he says that sometimes he doesn't feel like talking or texting. It's been this way for quite some time now and why would you even feel that way if you like someone? I know I used to feel too lazy to text him back but now I love everything he sends. I'm so confused. And sad. I want to know what Justin's thinking and feeling and I wish he would just tell me.

so I met justin on Friday night. I wasn't nervous at the time.. not even slightly because I drank earlier. he wasn't what I expected him to be.. he was really small and skinny and short. if I had met him in real life before everything, I probably wouldn't be attracted to him. but I get nervous when I think about him and have this strong feeling of wanting to kiss him. he obviously doesn't like me anymore. our messages have become less personal, flirty and topics of love/sex don't make it's way into our conversations anymore. I feel like everything he says is forced and distant. like he's only speaking to me because he feels sorry for me and doesn't want to come across as judgmental. I'm thinking he's meeting up with me this Saturday out of pity too. I don't know if I should just be happy and greatful to be able to hang out with him or back off and leave him alone. should you hang out with someone you quite like (in a crush way) even though you know they don't like you and you're just letting yourself be more vulnerable and susceptible to getting hurt? I don't know what to do. maybe I should just hang out with him - to feel happy for the moment and the sad depressed me in the future can deal with those feelings later? should I meet him so he can have a chance to change his mind about me, which can turn either way - positively or negatively. he obviously doesnt think I'm pretty. he used to give me random compliments and now it's all agreeing with my negative remarks about myself. even in the photos I thought I looked good. sigh. no one will ever like me. I'm just going through another chapter of unrequited love. there's more to come. I just hope I get something out of talking to justin. I want more than friendship, he probably knows that but I won't get it. I like feeling sad about him though. it's something different, something other than my usual drifting-through-life dull confused feelings. why's it have to be this way.