and here I am.. waiting and thinking about him every second. why is it that when someone doesn't talk to me, I want them so badly? I even pretend to talk to him, inside my mind. it's weird when I realise but I can't stop it. sometimes I wish people would just be honest with me, even though I know it would hurt but I can't keep waiting and hoping. It takes away all my energy and I'm left feeling like this... weak and tired all the time. He occupies my mind, I want to be with him.

this sadness isn't very good
i feel like one day I won't be able to take it anymore
what would happen
would I kill?
kill everyone, including myself?

"do i have a crush on you or am i just lonely"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRmFEiB1LMw

Unfortunately, I can relate so much to this. It seems almost identical to particular situations in my life.

I think I've lost daniel.

I tried to speak to him last night. We said a few words and then our conversation just stopped. I'm always too nervous to message him. Thinking that he'd be out or have better and more interesting things to do. of course he would and he's just being polite by telling me to message him anytime. He said last night that he thought that we were done, even though only a few days passed. Maybe thats a hint, that he's sick of my facelessness, is bored of me and doesnt want to speak to me anymore. Even after we stopped talking, he didnt check back, while I pretty much lingered on whatsapp waiting for him to say something else like he always does when I get stuck for about 20 to 30 minutes. I dont think he likes me anymore. Or maybe there's some girl he likes. He told me once that when  people get boyfriends or girlfriends, they rarely ever talk to people of opposite sex. Maybe thats why. I'm pretty upset about this. I really enjoyed talking to him. But I'm probably just thinking of the good conversations and not the bad awkward boring ones. You can only have good conversations for a short amount of time. They'll end up fucking shit in the end.

I do miss talking to him though. I guess I'm just going to try to forget about him and see what happens. If he messages me, then I'll know he wants to talk. Just like ***, if he doesnt, then i'll take that as a message that we're done with everything. I'll give it two months, like last time.

I'm hanging with brooke tomorrow. I'm so excited haha. I rarely feel excited these days. and my english sac is over. i dont think im as sad as i was months ago. im happy. i think. or maybe im just okay.
so louise didnt come to school for the whole week. woo ;) she brings bad angry vibes with her. im goign to sound mean but im glad she was sick

I really need someone to talk to right now
Im so sad I dont even know why
Im crying hahaha what the fuck
I dont know if its because of this Mogwai music
or the fact that my two friends went to the city without me
i guess i just woke up today feeling like this
i mean, i was the one who bailed so its not like its their fault
i feel like no one cares though. they havent even messaged me
its like, if i wasnt there, it wouldnt matter
and mac too... i just know he'll never like me
i know that but i still like him, why
im making it harder for myself but i cant stop
its impossible for us to be together
school stresses me out too
i have no motivation for anything
i just want to die
life is hard right now
i cry for no reason
or stupid reasons anyway
i cant even write a blogspot
why do i even have this blog for/

i cant stop thinking about him
why the hell am i even putting myself through this
we'll never even be together
he'll never like me
why do i always do this
i know im making myself think that he likes me
but i cant stop

I had the chance to see Daniel without him knowing it was me yesterday at RMIT uni, but I didn't. I hope that he knows that he actually means something to me (whether a lot or a bit, I'm unsure) and that I kept this promise to not see him to prove that I actually really want to savour and keep the relationship and connection we have between us right now. It's not just a thing I do at night - talking to him - to keep be from being bored. I think I consider him as a friend. I don't understand why I don't like him though. I always thought that I would end up liking anyone who's nice to me. It would be cool if I liked him that way, then every morning I wake up, I would feel confident and happy. I mean, I love talking to him, but its just temporary happiness. I dont know why. I think it's cause we talk so normal. If we were a bit more affectionate hahaha, it might be different. I feel strange being affectionate to him though. Its not because he's 21... oh wait maybe it is! But there was oliver and lachy and mac. I have no idea anymore. Lachy never seemed 19-ish to me. he seemed younger than me haha, which is why every time he mentioned driving home from work or sitting in his car or swerving because a car in front of him braked abruptly, it shocked me and 'woke' me up sorta. Anyays, this post was meant to be about daniel, and there i go again talking about lachy. he doesn't even talk to me anymore hahahahah fuck my life

I let *** look up what I look like. I told him to look up my username plus my name and that username doesnt refer to Kik... I don't know how to feel, like always. I've been feeling so very confused lately - about everything. I don't know anymore hahaha wow. so he didn't say much either. I think he's disappointed. I wish I was a bit pretty. sometimes I think i am, but generally i'm not. this makes me upset. argh tears in psych class haha. I asked him if he found the videos and photos and he was like "I think so". I said "haha alright well i guess this is it" and he asked why or something. I turned off my data and he wrote "danica come back please <3". He probably wrote that because he feels sorry for me. He doesn't wanna seem judgemental and because he has said earlier that what I look won't affect anything. It does... and so much. I won't be able to speak to him normally anymore, about anything! except music. i've never showed anyone a photo of me before. this is why i don't. it makes everything weird. I am 80% less confident. they don't think i'm cool anymore. I mean, there are tons of girls out there that many guys would get along with, they just dont give them a chance! I think I'll miss ****. he was probably the most good looking guy I've ever spoken to online. I even like how he's so awkward. I probably had a small crush on him, not as strong as oliver though ahaha. why the fuck did i even like oliver... honestly? he's not even that attractive. i guess its the fact that he's smart and has everything worked out for him. *** is smart but we lack topics to speak about. it seems like we speak for the sake of talking to someone of the opposite sex haha. oh well, i feel like he knows me now. what i look like, and how i feel. im still waiting for a second text. if he doesn't text back a second time, im not going to talk to him ever again ... unless I feel sentimental oneday

when I leave school, I'll be independent and I'll move out. I won't talk to anybody from my family. Thats what I'll do. They all look down on me and think the worse of me. They all talk about me behind my back, even my cousin who I thought would understand me the most. Everyone thinks I'm the dumbest.. I guess I am because I don't try and I cant be fucked to prove them wrong. Does every single kid have to be a fucking nerd (I mean, I may look a bit nerdy.. but I'm more of a geek) and get 90+ atars? FUCK. I'll do just fine with an atar of 70-80.   They don't even know how it feels to be the underdog in every fucking situation. and who fucking cares if i swear anyways? it means nothing. just an extreme vocal expression of my feelings. its not like i mean it literally. things these fuckers won't ever understand...

i feel like i have nothing
everyone turns their backs on me
why does my life have to be like this

So I was saving up The Best Thing - Relient K to show someone who I would be with in the near (lol jk) future because it's such a cute song and all, but stupid me had to show it to Lachy who I thought was cute and has a similar taste in music to me. Now, every fucking time I listen to it, I'm going to remember him. His fucking existence is now attached to my wonderful song! And he doesn't even talk to me anymore!!!!!! IM SO STUPID, WHY!!!!!!!! AND 'YOLO' DOES NOT APPLY TO THIS FUCKING SITUATION!!!!!

"People were interesting at first. Then later, slowly but surely, all the flaws and madness would manifest themselves. I would become less and less to them; they would mean less and less to me."

Charles Bukowski 

im in a bad melancholy mood today :( even though i spoke to him yesterday. guess i dont like him that way then. i dont know. im so confused. my heart doesnt ache like it usually does. when you like someone in a more-than-friendship way, your heart is meant to ache right? I wonder why when I spoke to Dave and thought he was Oliver, I was extremely happy and confident the next day. I was at my highest, yet after speaking to Daniel, the happiness only lasted for about four hours, even though the call was much much more significant and worth more than a simple chat on Kik. anyway, Im so bored with life, as always and I'm hopeless with socialising ... even basically communicating with people. I cant imagine what I would do in the future. I just hate thinking about it. Who knew that I would constantly worry about this.

la call

So I called Daniel today haha... I was excited and nervous the whole day and because Louise was meeting up with Claude and I was excited for that too, I was FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT.. too much, so it seems, that I had to ~let it all out~ mid-call. I literally gave a long and lengthy groan/cry while I was talking to him. I regret it so much now, embarrassing. I think he asked if I was alright after that hahah but then he texted me saying that he thought I was just laughing. Anyways, I can barely remember what I said during the conversation because I was so nervous. I kept accidentally speaking over him and I went blank a couple of times. I couldnt hear him properly either. I still cant believe we spoke. I mean, all those long nights we stayed up until 5am talking about life, those songs I shared with him, those notes we wrote for each other and me constantly refusing to show him what I look like, now he is one step closer. How long has it been since I first spoke to him? Seven months? I think he's the person that I've kept in contact with for the longest time after meeting online! anyways (im terrible with writing, everything right now is so forced, i talk like an idiot) here are some parts of our convo that I remember. i apologise (to... future danica? hello? anybody?) if my sentences appear to be that of a twelve year old's...

• Daniel told me after the call that he was taking a shower and heard his phone ring. He panicked and ran out to pick up... you know what that means right? I spoke to him while he was naked. I could not feel more uncomfortable when I think about that. As if he didn't feel weird as well! I don't think I could ever be on the phone to someone whist in my birthday suit ahah. 
• He stuffed up his sentences in the beginning and said something like 'argh cant speak'. I found that so funny and cute aha
• He asked me so many questions about my day and I kept repeating "good thanks" >_> -_- >.< -.- T.T =.=" I am a fucking idiot
• He asked if I was with my 'friends' or so I heard and I was like 'yeah I'm with my friends'. Then I realised that I was only sitting with Brooke ahhaha so I gave her an exaggerating *look at all me fwends around me* gesture.
• He asked if I was walking home, I told him that I was at the bus stop then tried to speak more lol so I mentioned that my walk home only takes 10 minutes. Useless information. Boring danica.
• He DIDNT say my name :'( crey ever tiem. I said his though hehehe - flirting since '96, lol kidding I wasnt even.

ok thats all for now, cbf

i honestly dont know what im doing, going online all the time and making friends through the internet. it just shows how much of a loser i am, someone who cant even make friends in real life. i dont know how to feel either. i keep crushing (I think?) on these guys i meet online and i know they feel the same way too which is hilarious. why can't my real life be like this. i would be so much happier.

wow lachy...
not sure how to feel

Some of the things I've written on here are so embarrassing haha, I can't believe I had such corny and weird thoughts. and I've admitted to things I wouldn't have in real life. Im ok right now. Ive just given up on school though.

The young blonde guy

so i really cant be bothered writing about this guy but I'll do it just so I can remember him in the future. Haha "gaaaaaay". Well, since I first started working at Coles, I've served him about 2-3 times - enough to make me remember him throughout the ~5 months I didn't see him. He is pretty much why I want to work on Sundays (also bc of the pay hehe).

*sorry brb i have to shower. louise wants me to go coles with her so she can cook. lmfao someone wife that

lol im kidding. so i just got back and it was kind of embarrassing because we brang angela with us. we walked past this guy and one of the wheels of the pram slipped into this ditch. i couldnt stop laughing, partially because i was embarrassed haha.

*I never finished this because I'm just really lazy.

Anyways, to continue. I started seeing him again, this cute guy, I mean... from afar. *Stalker Alert!!!* No actually, I was just paying attention. I looked up and there he was, with his angelic glow, golden halo, sparkling aura and mighty pure white wings, waiting in one of my coworker's cue so she could 'fill' his eco-friendly green bags 'right up' ;-) Hahaha! A few weeks after that I served him. I cant remember much but I was probably so nervous. He gave me his green bags and I stuffed everything inside. I probably crushed his chips... if he even bought any. I remember he bought glass mugs. Like WTF?! Is that normal? Do guys about the age of 18-24 buy mugs? That made me wonder if he was possibly gay, or maybe he had a girlfriend (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping), or maybe he lives with his mum (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping). Hahah. I served him again last week *swoon*. I've developed the habit of saying "hi how are you" instead of just "hi", which is good but I seem to be repeating it over and over to everyone. I hope no one minds. Well I greeted him, he said something that I cant remember because I can never seem to make sense of aussie slang. I mean, I was born here, yeah, but I speak really formally and I need time to process such things. Time ... lol fuck my life, that I don't have. I think he asked how I was myself, so I said "I'm good thanks". He then handed me his clean green bags (kudos to clean bags! wooo hooo) and told me that I could "fill them right up" ;) ;) ;) ;) I want him to fill me..right...up... Hahahah gosh. He's just so hot ugh, anyways. He asked how my night was (/has been???). I said good.. Why do I always give boring replies? I shouldve joked and said "im stuck at work ;)" god dammit. I wish I was at least a tiny bit funny. I returned his question and he said something I forgot because of my stupid formal brain that hates australian colloquialisms. He has never really talked  tried to make a conversation with me before. This is good. Maybe I'll be more confident next time. I was so nervous though, after that. My knees felt weak and I had an urge to fan myself and feel my cheeks like I was sick because they were burning uppppp. I dont know why, but I nearly said "Sorry my face is so red, you make me so nervous" hahahah but I controlled myself and sighed instead. Oh, he said "no flybuys" before paying with his debit card. Thank you, I wouldnt have had the ability to ask anyway. He literally took my breath away, #cliche. When I gave him his receipt and said 'have a nice night', or something, he took it with BOTHfuckingHANDS and smiled at me. He's always smiled at me ahhh. 

I wish I knew what his name is. I can't just ask him though. The only thing I can do is wait for him to look me up on facebook.. hahah but as if he would like me! I'm not even pretty. Older guys that look like him, would either go for girls their age or younger popular hot girls. I dont know. At least he smiled at me.