im in a bad melancholy mood today :( even though i spoke to him yesterday. guess i dont like him that way then. i dont know. im so confused. my heart doesnt ache like it usually does. when you like someone in a more-than-friendship way, your heart is meant to ache right? I wonder why when I spoke to Dave and thought he was Oliver, I was extremely happy and confident the next day. I was at my highest, yet after speaking to Daniel, the happiness only lasted for about four hours, even though the call was much much more significant and worth more than a simple chat on Kik. anyway, Im so bored with life, as always and I'm hopeless with socialising ... even basically communicating with people. I cant imagine what I would do in the future. I just hate thinking about it. Who knew that I would constantly worry about this.

la call

So I called Daniel today haha... I was excited and nervous the whole day and because Louise was meeting up with Claude and I was excited for that too, I was FILLED WITH EXCITEMENT.. too much, so it seems, that I had to ~let it all out~ mid-call. I literally gave a long and lengthy groan/cry while I was talking to him. I regret it so much now, embarrassing. I think he asked if I was alright after that hahah but then he texted me saying that he thought I was just laughing. Anyways, I can barely remember what I said during the conversation because I was so nervous. I kept accidentally speaking over him and I went blank a couple of times. I couldnt hear him properly either. I still cant believe we spoke. I mean, all those long nights we stayed up until 5am talking about life, those songs I shared with him, those notes we wrote for each other and me constantly refusing to show him what I look like, now he is one step closer. How long has it been since I first spoke to him? Seven months? I think he's the person that I've kept in contact with for the longest time after meeting online! anyways (im terrible with writing, everything right now is so forced, i talk like an idiot) here are some parts of our convo that I remember. i apologise (to... future danica? hello? anybody?) if my sentences appear to be that of a twelve year old's...

• Daniel told me after the call that he was taking a shower and heard his phone ring. He panicked and ran out to pick up... you know what that means right? I spoke to him while he was naked. I could not feel more uncomfortable when I think about that. As if he didn't feel weird as well! I don't think I could ever be on the phone to someone whist in my birthday suit ahah. 
• He stuffed up his sentences in the beginning and said something like 'argh cant speak'. I found that so funny and cute aha
• He asked me so many questions about my day and I kept repeating "good thanks" >_> -_- >.< -.- T.T =.=" I am a fucking idiot
• He asked if I was with my 'friends' or so I heard and I was like 'yeah I'm with my friends'. Then I realised that I was only sitting with Brooke ahhaha so I gave her an exaggerating *look at all me fwends around me* gesture.
• He asked if I was walking home, I told him that I was at the bus stop then tried to speak more lol so I mentioned that my walk home only takes 10 minutes. Useless information. Boring danica.
• He DIDNT say my name :'( crey ever tiem. I said his though hehehe - flirting since '96, lol kidding I wasnt even.

ok thats all for now, cbf

i honestly dont know what im doing, going online all the time and making friends through the internet. it just shows how much of a loser i am, someone who cant even make friends in real life. i dont know how to feel either. i keep crushing (I think?) on these guys i meet online and i know they feel the same way too which is hilarious. why can't my real life be like this. i would be so much happier.

wow lachy...
not sure how to feel

Some of the things I've written on here are so embarrassing haha, I can't believe I had such corny and weird thoughts. and I've admitted to things I wouldn't have in real life. Im ok right now. Ive just given up on school though.

The young blonde guy

so i really cant be bothered writing about this guy but I'll do it just so I can remember him in the future. Haha "gaaaaaay". Well, since I first started working at Coles, I've served him about 2-3 times - enough to make me remember him throughout the ~5 months I didn't see him. He is pretty much why I want to work on Sundays (also bc of the pay hehe).

*sorry brb i have to shower. louise wants me to go coles with her so she can cook. lmfao someone wife that

lol im kidding. so i just got back and it was kind of embarrassing because we brang angela with us. we walked past this guy and one of the wheels of the pram slipped into this ditch. i couldnt stop laughing, partially because i was embarrassed haha.

*I never finished this because I'm just really lazy.

Anyways, to continue. I started seeing him again, this cute guy, I mean... from afar. *Stalker Alert!!!* No actually, I was just paying attention. I looked up and there he was, with his angelic glow, golden halo, sparkling aura and mighty pure white wings, waiting in one of my coworker's cue so she could 'fill' his eco-friendly green bags 'right up' ;-) Hahaha! A few weeks after that I served him. I cant remember much but I was probably so nervous. He gave me his green bags and I stuffed everything inside. I probably crushed his chips... if he even bought any. I remember he bought glass mugs. Like WTF?! Is that normal? Do guys about the age of 18-24 buy mugs? That made me wonder if he was possibly gay, or maybe he had a girlfriend (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping), or maybe he lives with his mum (who I've never ever ever seen before and makes him do all the grocery shopping). Hahah. I served him again last week *swoon*. I've developed the habit of saying "hi how are you" instead of just "hi", which is good but I seem to be repeating it over and over to everyone. I hope no one minds. Well I greeted him, he said something that I cant remember because I can never seem to make sense of aussie slang. I mean, I was born here, yeah, but I speak really formally and I need time to process such things. Time ... lol fuck my life, that I don't have. I think he asked how I was myself, so I said "I'm good thanks". He then handed me his clean green bags (kudos to clean bags! wooo hooo) and told me that I could "fill them right up" ;) ;) ;) ;) I want him to fill me..right...up... Hahahah gosh. He's just so hot ugh, anyways. He asked how my night was (/has been???). I said good.. Why do I always give boring replies? I shouldve joked and said "im stuck at work ;)" god dammit. I wish I was at least a tiny bit funny. I returned his question and he said something I forgot because of my stupid formal brain that hates australian colloquialisms. He has never really talked  tried to make a conversation with me before. This is good. Maybe I'll be more confident next time. I was so nervous though, after that. My knees felt weak and I had an urge to fan myself and feel my cheeks like I was sick because they were burning uppppp. I dont know why, but I nearly said "Sorry my face is so red, you make me so nervous" hahahah but I controlled myself and sighed instead. Oh, he said "no flybuys" before paying with his debit card. Thank you, I wouldnt have had the ability to ask anyway. He literally took my breath away, #cliche. When I gave him his receipt and said 'have a nice night', or something, he took it with BOTHfuckingHANDS and smiled at me. He's always smiled at me ahhh. 

I wish I knew what his name is. I can't just ask him though. The only thing I can do is wait for him to look me up on facebook.. hahah but as if he would like me! I'm not even pretty. Older guys that look like him, would either go for girls their age or younger popular hot girls. I dont know. At least he smiled at me. 

he says that all he can think about is me. so i said same.

im not sure if he's joking or not but im not.

No guy wants me.
No friend whats to hang out with me.
I feel so lonely.

"It hurts the worst when the person that made you feel so special yesterday, makes you feel so unwanted today."

I saw this on facebook and wow.. I never thought that one day I'd be able to relate to corny facebook quotes. I feel really hurt. I thought we were really connecting and that I had found someone that made me feel special, wanted and that I could tell them absolutely everything. I guess some things you shouldn't share after only two to three days of meeting someone (there was a lull for about 4 months). It really felt like we've been speaking for weeks! Probably because when I talk to him, I don't do anything else. It takes up my whole day. Now he doesn't like me anymore.  

im so stupid. who tells a guy about their weird fetish/es. now he doesnt even talk to talk to me anymore. i cant believe this. he talks to me all during exam week (so i cant concentrate) and stops when i have no homework and exams. my  life is great.

"So you want me to be more

violent

towards you..?"

He said.

I talked about bdsm with chris today hahaha. It so so good and I didnt feel weird and awkward at all. he just makes me feel happy, no matter what we talk about! he sometimes acts a bit odd though, like he thinks im angry at him or something hmmm. anyways i cant exactly remember how the topic came into our conversation.. ohhh we always (well maybe just me) view simple things in a dirty way and he said something about me being a teacher and he'll be a student. i found that funny and said something like "nooo lets not imagine that fantasy no. ew." and then s&m and dominance and submission came into discussion. it seems like the conversation always revolves around me though. haha hes good that way. anyways we worked out that he liked to be the dominant one while I'm submissive. I asked him how the whole bsdm thing worked/ how to begin/ what to do, and he kept saying "i'll do whatever you want to. I wouldnt want to hurt you. Whatever you like. Only if you want to" etc etc. I looked online in some bsdm glossary and found some terms. one that I like is edge-play which can be like a rape fantasy~~~ hahah im so glad no one read this. this is awefully embarrassing. for some reason, i've always wanted that. lol ok he also said that he wants to/to be 'teased' hehahahdsjksjh. I'd rather not explain it on here but yeah found that so funny. he thinks he's so innocent and that i want all these crazy things. hes so cute

The Gat

I did the gat today.. it was horrible. everyone said there was nothing to worry about but noooooo there was indeed a lot to worry about. firstly, i skipped the whole fucking second piece of writing lmfao!!!! didnt have enough time. i also skipped all the multiple choice questions about arts/humanities/social sciences. all i did was the first essay about radio (i couldnt work out whether it was "the radio" or just simply "radio") and all the maths and science questions. i thought it would be a good idea to do them first since i do further maths but yeah... i still might get like 5 for the humanities bit if i'm lucky and possibly 20 for english. -.- i dont think i even did well on the radio bit. i was all over the place, couldnt think straight AND MY FUCKING PEN STOPPED WORKING.

im so lonely
i just want to be with someone.. and hug them and kiss them whenever I want

Sometimes I just wish that I wasn't so insecure and self conscious about my appearance. Then I could meet more people.. imagine how many people that I could've been really good friends with but let my fear get in the way. Yes I'm talking about Daniel and Chris.

he would flip if he knew i was writing this stuff about him.

i just want to talk more. i want people to ask me about him. i want to tell people about him. i want him so much, i would give anything. i just want to curl up under his arms and hug him so tight. stay there forever. we can watch oceans 11 for eternity. i sound so creepy. but im just being corny and yeah. i do love him.

I just want to express my love for O so much but Im so bad with words. I just really really really love him. I want to read more about him. Im really upset. WHy did he have to stop talking to me. at first i was confused as to whether i actually liked him or not. now i admit it finally, after one year, I love O. even though we only had a few conversations. I love him. and it hurts. I would do anything for him, really. if I die, this blog will forever be on the internet. funny hey. my soul will sort of be alive and so will be my love for oliver. i wonder if when im like a 40 year old woman, i'd remember this. how i felt right now and how much I wanted oliver. im really scared of the future. i just want it to stay like how it is right now, even though my life is terrible. i dont know... im sick of life. i really want to die. theres nothing good in my life. my parents are alright, i love them but i guess, not enough to stay alive. my friends.. well can you even call them friends? i would say they're the people i hang out at school and sometimes out of school with because i prefer them over the other fucking idiots at my school. school i hate too, but im not as self conscious and constantly feeling anxiety in comparison to the real world. i really want oliver. he'll never like me. im just an immature (am i? i always thought i was more mature compared to a lot of girls at my school, but recently, i've come across some of their tumblr blogs and they're actually really deep human beings which confirms the theory that teenagers think that no one else in the world feels like how they do and will not understand).. ahem continuing on... unattractive (avoiding the word ugly because sometimes i think im ugly but there are times where im like hey im actually kind of pretty idk)... lazy, depresssing, stupid, insecure, awkward, antisocial, weird, sad, shy girl. im nothing.. but i want something.. oliver.

thoughts about O during bio study

I actually can't stop thinking about him, even though its been about a year now. Every time I think about him and certain parts of our conversations and details, I get this aching feeling in my chest. I don't know if its just heart palpitations or what but it hurts and ugh it makes me miss him more. Kinda funny cause I've never met him. I love how he actually thought a lot about me during that time.. calling me with a private number. Kind of low for a 22 year old but what the hell right?! At least they're thinking of you. He never called back after I picked up though. Could it be because of my child like voice? I always sound like a freaking kid on the phone. Awkward kid. I just really want to be with him. He probably deleted my number after I texted happy birthday and I didn't want to text again because once is enough. Maybe this is why I like him so much, because he doesn't like me. I think if a guy plays hard to get or whatever.. in his case: ignores you, I always think about them more and want to talk to them more. Its happened with at least two people. If I'm the person that sends the last text/message in a conversation, then I get really annoyed. Only if the message is a new idea though. So if he says bye, and I say bye last, then all is fine but if we're talking about, say, music and I say 'sorry I gotta go, talk later' and he doesn't reply, then I get really fucking annoyed. I do that to so many people.. maybe thats why they keep trying to talk to me. I remember faintly that I ignored a few of his texts cause I wasn't sure what to say. The one about him travelling. He wrote a lot too, I wonder how that must've felt. Wow, gosh I'm sorry. I probably didn't reply because my phone was new and I thought that I might waste my 180 dollars worth of credit. Now I'm just like yeah yeah. I think I'm really attracted to him also because of his intelligence. The conversations with him just flowed well.. as far as I can remember and he spoke so naturally and not forced. His intelligence was evident through his atar score and the uni he attends. For some reason it makes me happy just thinking about that. I really miss him and I just hope that someday we'll meet and he'd be as nice as he was last year. Where would I even see him though? Not at uni because I'm not smart enough to get in. Oh I'll just forever remember him. Its weird, he's probably forgotten about me. That's what everyone does. I remember he hinted about sleeping together hahaha, honestly, I would have said yes right then and there. Just for him. I dont even fucking care about this stuff anymore. I hate my life and I just want him. I hate everyone else. I have fucking nothing to live for. I remember the day when I thought I spoke to him.. of course it was Dave, but I actually genuinely thought it was him. No doubts. I over thought a lot of things Dave said and ugh, anyways, I was so happy that day. My life was great. I was experiencing what I reckon every fucking normal person experiences - happiness and bliss. I went to work that day energetic and enthusiastic. I fucking said how are you to everyone! I was so confident, it was like I took a drug. Is happiness a drug? Or maybe sadness is the drug here and I was sober in terms of drugs (I don't know the word for it). The feeling was great. No anxiety whatsoever and even though I was in pain because of my aching chest (??? shock??? stress?? love???), I didn't mind and didn't care. I guess this is what happens when you actually love someone so much. I think that its possible to love someone even thought you don't know what they look like and never met them. I just really love him ugh. If he ever reads this somehow... lol, sorry, I sound like a fucking mental case and so creepy. Im sorry but this is how I really feel. Also Im a bit desperate so out of all the guys I know, youre the most preferable. (and you're perfect)

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

The Official Dr. Martens USA Store - ELEANOR

I want this so much. :'( Obviously I cant get it right now because Ive already got expensive things for my birthday.. now to get over 90% for my tests/exams/sacs. none of my subjects are looking very good right now. not even re art -_-