sometimes I miss daniel a lot. currently playing: warpaint - stars. I wish I could go back and really tell him how I feel.. but then I wouldn't have known that I thought he was special to me. the only thing I can do is tell him now.. but I'm not brave enough. and so, I shall wait until one day he messages me. I will not give in.


4/10/2013 1:10:14 pm: Daniel: I don't want him to like you haha

4/10/2013 1:10:17 pm: Danica: :o

4/10/2013 1:10:18 pm: Danica: Haahaha

4/10/2013 1:10:31 pm: Danica: </3

4/10/2013 1:10:38 pm: Daniel: Then he'll take you away :(

4/10/2013 1:10:46 pm: Daniel: And he'll have you haha

Life

School is boring. I sat with this other group today and felt so out of place. I do not fit in with them, with anybody ugh. I don't think I will ever have friends. That's kind o what worries me... Having to work with people and sitting alone at work every lunchtime. I don't mind it, it's just that I don't want to appear that way. Like a total loser. But I guess I am 

sigh

So...
I feel empty again. Like I have no goals or aims in life. Sure I guess vce is kind of an aim but its not something I'm enjoying working towards. Anyway, the point of this rant is to notify you, future danica, that today I had tutoring. I was making conversation and asked him how adelaide was and who he went with. He said he went with his girlfriend. Oh lucky me. I'm in love with the most perfect guy and he so happens to have a girlfriend. Ugh fucking hell. I felt so disappointed. I could barely respond and all I said was 'oh cool'. I then tried really hard to forget about it but the fact that he had a girlfriend just stayed in my mind. I tried not to cry. She's so lucky. I hope she knows it. I would do anything to be in her place. She gets to kiss him, touch him, listen to him talk about his life.. And he LOVES her. Ugh. He chose her. His heart aches for HER and not me. She's so lucky. She gets to do everything with him. She's the one he think about all the time.
Sigh. Sigh sigh sigh. Sigh. And he's 26 as well. I hope they fucking break up. I really do. I'm so angry and sad and confused. I don't know what to do. I probably shouldn't try to get close to him anymore.. Not that it was evident in any of my actions. Sigh. Life is hard when you're trying to get by without the feeling of love being felt for you. When love is unrequited. And the person doesn't even know how much you love them.

It sucks when you have exciting news but no one to tell it to.

tom (OOPS FORGOT TO POST AND NEVER FINISHED IT)

tom called me yesterday at 4:41am. I thought he was Alex (the guy me and Brooke spoke to) because I was originally messaging him until I fell asleep and he had a similar voice so at first I was like 'oh my god did I fall asleep, wait why are you calling blablabla' but I didnt want to hang up so I laid in bed talking to him for a few minutes.. still trying to fully wake up. It wasnt until I looked at the number on my screen that I realised it didn't say Alex so it was someone else calling me. I sat up and was so confused that all I could say was something like 'wait who is this. what the hell. fuck' and hung up. He texted me all this weird shit like 'I am the father of your kids'. I was wide awake by then and picked up when he called. I suspected it was Tom because I saw his viber profile photo which was of a black screen. Anyways his voice was similar to what I expected. It reflected the way he typed back then. He sounds kind of like Jonah. Its funny though because the phone call to me didn't feel awkward at all.. even though he said pretty weird stuff like 'I missed you', 'youre beautiful', 'youre gorgeous', 'i want to have your kids', 'you have beautiful eyes', 'you're so smart'. in the beginning, I was just like 'okay then... ha' and then it became funny to the point where I would say it back to him. I called him beautiful haha. at one point, he was like 'i love you, do you love me' and I said 'i love you!!!'. he kept speaking slowly taking

i feel like im in a dream everytime i think about the fact that he leant me his cd's

wow

You may die in the RADIANS, says Laura.

Or whatever it's called. ;)

He leant me two CDs today after we got talking about post-rock. He saw the sufjan stevens and mono albums on my USB and was like 'I'm impressed' hehehe. I shouldve said 'good, I'm glad' hahaha. But anyway he doesn't like the heavy-type post-rock I'm into :'( ah well, who says that lovers need to share the same music tastes ;) haha kidding. Well he leant me to CDs and I'm happy. When we don't see each other anymore, I'll open my itunes and remember today. Sigh. Everything worked out so well and I realised that in my life, there is a balance of both happiness and sadness. Today was one of the saddest days, I couldn't stop crying. But then I saw mac and I became happy again. OR maybe all my days are usually sad and that little things just make me happy because I appreciate it more.

he is sick

Mac is sick and I don't know but I feel a sudden surge of concern for him. Creepy as this may (more like 'will') sound, I want to be right there with him and help him get better. He's so cute. He's never cut down a lesson before just cause he's sick. I'll laugh if he's not really and is maybe like smoking with his friends or something aha. But I really believe that he is sick and I want to go over there and bring him soup or something. Ugh. I wish I was more than a stupid teenager to him.

I don't miss daniel anymore. Yes, I do think of him from time to time. Often, even. But its not like my heart aches or I feel sad. I'm just neutral and curious as to what he's been up to. We've grown so far apart over the end of 2013 to now. What ever happened? Honestly. And he probably feels the same way about me. I'm fine with it. I don't care anymore. And I'm glad this doesn't affect me like it used to, or else I'd be even more sad. Ah well, thank you Daniel for being a part of my life (sounds so corny) back in 2013. Oh how times flies and people change.

happy

People said I seem happy at camp. Is that really how I appear? I don't try to display happiness, and can't anyways but in fact, I purposefully show that I'm sad.. Why is that no one notices? Maybe I do try hard to smile at things? Maybe because they had nothing to say about me so they just assumed I was happy. I wish people could tell that I'm sad.. Its such a lie that I'm happy. It makes me feel entirely lonely.. Like no one knows at all. Its the absolute opposite of sadness. No one understands me

I am so lonely

I just want to feel special and be the most important person to someone. I'm always the last choice, for everything. People who I thought cared about me do not. I'm always left alone. I feel like I have nothing again. I'm so sick of life. Why do I even have to be here? I wish we had a choice. Ugh once people find someone better, I no longer matter. I hope that one day I will find someone who loves me. I'm always the one who cares too much.. The one who cares more. No one knows how I feel. When I see actual actions of love anywhere (even on the street, like a couple genuinely happy and holding hands) I tear up. Oh how I long for something like that. To feel that way. My life is so empty. I literally have nothing to live for. I hope this changes soon. In a few years would be nice. Please. I'm tired of being like this. Having no motivation for anything, looking forward to nothing, coming home from school and talking to no one in particular, going to school the next day and talking to no one in particular. Wow my life is just absoutely great. I look forward to simply passing an hour.. Wow. Why is it like this.. I wish I could help everyone who feels like me. We could maybe be happy together. I hope there aren't much people out there like this. I'm sorry.

I feel so happy when I think of Tom and our phone calls. I don't remember much because they were all late at night (usually) and we could barely hear each other. It was like I was on a high. Anyways he's not one of those awkward guys which I like so much. He tries to think of stuff to talk to me about or random things to say and I love it. He's so sweet to, saying all these nice things about me that I wish was true. He makes me happy no matter what he says. Or does. ;) and when he laughs (probably AT something I said) It still makes me smile because he is so cute. He's going to rmit to do accounting. I think that's alright. Not particularly an attractive course but who am I to judge.

Anna left for vietnam today!

We were saying our goodbyes like multiple times and hugging it out in the house, then on the other side of the house, then in the backyard and finally, in front of the house. Surprisingly, on the last second of our final goodbye we heard firework sounds and I looked over and actually saw them! Usually you hear them and only see a glimpse but we had a perfect view. It felt like such a coincidence and as if it was especially for us. So we stood there, hugging tight and watching the 10 seconds of fireworks.

I only want when I can't have

As if he had read my blog, or seen the craigslist ad, or maybe even sensed my longing vibes to hear his voice and talk to him, he texted me. At 3am I received a text from Daniel. "Awake?" He asked, and to which I gave depressing replies, attempting to make him feel guilty and responsible for my feelings. He called me after and I was very happy. I was smiling and giggling. He struggled to say my name. The way he said 'soccer' was funny. He was always searching for things to say to minimize the usual silence that emerges in the period where a topic of discussion is discarded and a new one is searched for. He said 'hmm what was I going to say'. I was comfortable with the silence but he was obviously not. When we got disconnected, he reverted back to Kik. And this is where it all got pain-stakingly nasty. He immediately brought up the fact that he felt bad for my sadness and that he reckon he was part of the cause. It was true but I was angry that he was able to deduce such a thing from my tumblr likes and messages made me angry. How dare he think that I'm weak enough to let a guy ruin my vce. Its true, but I don't want him to know. Anyways he said that he was confused and shouldve went along with my feelings for him last year (which I keep denying.. I always do this). He also said that he doesn't understand me. I keep wanting to talk to him, hear his voice so bad but when it does happen, the feeling is just mehh and I don't even put in effort. Our connection has completely died, I'm sure of it. I didn't know what the hell to say on kik and it just felt awkward. We didn't say goodnight or end the convo. We left it there. I don't know what to make of it.

Coffee makes me write like a freaking literature author and so fast. God, words have never appeared so fast and sentences have never been constructed so well ;) kidding, getting a bit cocky there danica. You probably write like shit but this font is awesome. I should drink coffee/latte before I do my english and psych homework. Maybe tomorrow.

Its funny how you have no idea I made a post about you on craigslist for the world to see, daniel. I received so many responses. A few of them understood how I'm feeling and couple mentioned that they hoped one day someone will write something about them like that. You have no idea how special you are to me. Or you were anyways. I don't know about now. I miss the old Daniel and Danica. The two strangers who would go a week without messaging each other and finally when one gives in, it felt like we were as close as ever and could talk just about anything! Our songs, notes and phone calls were nice too. You were and still the only guy who I've spoken like a friend to. So what I mean is, we never hinted at anything sexual. We might have joked about us individually but never together. And I liked that. I was comfortable with you and I want to be again. But you're gone, and so have I. I'm not the nice person I used to be anymore. I'm not fun, nor happy. I'm sad, and not being in good terms with you makes me sadder.

I have no online friends left. Everyone has gone. Half of them because of my ugly appearance. I hate myself. The rest, I have no idea. I don't talk to chris or daniel or jay or idk anyone who I've been talking to recently. This sucks. Tonight has been the only night where I've had no one to talk to since exams. I feel so confused. I should make use of this free time by reading my english book but I'm so lazy.  I need to talk to people. Socially awkward female seeking friendly intelligent male. w4m

I've changed so much. I put everything off nowadays. I don't try hard anymore. My mind wanders. I think too much of unecessary things and so little of important school work. I'm very angry inside. And its starting to become visible through my actions. I feel strong rages and I want to punch things, sometimes even people. I cry easily again. Anything to do with unrequited love can bring me to tears. I like to feel sorry for myself. And finally I've become very socially awkward and filled with anxiety. I feel that there is no hope for me in the future. I'm afraid.

Its funny how you leave everything for someone cause you think you'll have then and turns out that they don't have the same plans as you and you're left alone again with everyone that you've pushed away gone. So many things relate to this but I guess who I'm talking about is tom. I spoke to him once that night and what do I do (?!), assume that he'll talk to me every night again. So I put less effort in brooke and alex; leaving them to chat while I listen and get excited for tom, ignore daniel's message for a few days and send a reply about not caring to meet, talked less to brooke, likewise with anna.. Idk I guess I can't deal with too many people and I just want to invest all my time into just one single person. So whoever I'll be with in the future (if I live) will know for sure that they can trust me and will have me whenever they want. And that it'll be only them in my life.

:(
I want to see fireworks
:(
:(
In the city
:(
:(
 and take photos
and go out
and have fun
:(
:(
:(
I don't want to be indoors
i've been surrounded my walls my entire life
:(
:(
please no more