lately, i've been feeling helpless.

its pretty terrible. i really want to disappear.

I hope that the time I have right now is meant to be used to simply gain strength and courage to kill myself in the future. I hope I have the power to. This world is seriously not for me. I feel lost, anxious and empty every day. I feel anger and alone. I feel like I have nothing. And I almost believe that that is true. I try to maintain friendships but they seem to not want me. I wonder what about me makes me such an undesirable friend or lover. Is it my face? The things I say? My attitude? I feel like I try to be positive with everyone but I almost don't do it anymore. I can seriously give up the facade and be my emotionless self - too tired to say anything or give big emotions, other than being afraid. I feel too tired to talk nowadays. I used to say things I observed or wonder out loud but now I'm just too tired. I just think about them. And I think about why I'm not saying them out loud. Life is strange and life has changed. I really just want it to be complete.

it is very unfortunate for me.

i am so very lonely

my posts are so depressing. i hope they'll be something positive enough to write about but i guess i never think about documenting positive things that happen to me. i guess drearydreary was an absolute accurate name for this blog.

my arm looks disgusting

i wont cheat on you, i promise. im so sorry i even thought about it.

i was deeply considering cheating on him. he doesnt care about making me happy. he's always first and once he's done, im not cared for. idk i am so against cheating, why am i thinking about it. i shouldnt right? but why do i want to so much. i think its just to get revenge and hurt him for hurting me. ive tried to tell him about my feelings but he didnt reply. idk. if i cheat will i have to tell him? will it break us up? will he ever trust me again? what kind of a person would i be if i cheated? why do i not love him enough to not cheat? i am thinking about myself too but i have been uncared for for too long. im really sad. idk why he wont have sex with me when i ask for it. boyfriends are meant to make their girlfriends happy. its unfair for me to  always give and not receive

the more i am with him, the more i just want to cut. i not only feel lonely, but i feel like im not MEANT to be lonely but i am? its kind of scary. you feel unwanted, uncared for, unloved... but you know youre not meant to be. he is so selfish and mean. he has this way of making you want to apologise to him even if you did nothing wrong and he was the wrong one. i am really lonely.

I just really want to escape all this. I want vals and benzos and drugs and death. I don't want to live the life I am living.

cuts

it's a collection of times I feel sad.

I wish I could die 

I am making myself suffer by being with this selfish asshole 

Life is hard. I can't call him selfish because it was his choice to break up with me and I asked him to stay, so it's not like I can say "if you loved me, you would..."  This is suppose to be me changing, even though in a relationship, many people have to change. Not in this case though. He wanted to break up. So basically I cannot complain. I have to deal with this sadness. There's really nothing I can do. I just have to think of a plan to kill myself. I'm not really sure. I feel so trapped. Maybe that's why I just want to take drugs. I'm so trapped. 

I will not eat until tomorrow morning. No matter how hungry I am I will not eat. This is to torture myself and make me feel strong and powerful. A bonus, I will be skinny and thin. 

I'm tired of being stood up like this. Every single day. He doesn't even acknowledge that he is late and instead, denies it. I'm so sick of this. It just ruins my whole fucking day. I'm really upset. I hate him. Why am I with him? Is it simply because I'm lonely? I think it is. I only miss him when I'm lonely which is all the time because I've let myself get lonely. 

its hot outside and im sitting on my bed in relatively humid air doing long devision of polynomials and listening to code I - slide on home. i can hear children laughing and cars whirring past outside. i feel like i'm missing something/someone/some time. my thoughts keep bringing me back to justin but its not him - instead, i feel appreciative of him. i think i'm just being reminded of a time.

He doesn't care about me at all. Keeps making me suffer. I am really confused. My feelings are confused. Why do I love him and also feel such anger and hatred and jealousy. I'm constantly worried and paranoid, if not for the present, then for the past or the future. This is simply worry about him. He doesn't care. He just acts and forgets about him. He never wants to talk to me. I really want to die. Even he will not be a strong enough purpose one day. 

I have to stop loving him soon before I'm in too deep.