Giving up on him? Us?

 I feel like I’m giving up. Everything about him makes me angry and upset. And instead of talking about it or letting it go, I point it out and say the most vile things. I don’t know why it is but it’s almost like my end goal is to break up. And in hopes of this, I push my limits. 

Right now we are broken up. He says he can’t do it anymore either. I’m sad but I don’t know if I’m crying because I’m alone or because I don’t have him anymore. I don’t even know if I love him. Surely if you love someone you know right? Or am I making a mistake? 

I just walked past him and it seemed like he was upset. Why do I not feel care or love. I just feel awkward. I must be a cruel person. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. This person that loves me but I just am so mean to them. I’m just so frustrated about so many things. There’s no way to change him. I really think I just might not like him unless I need him. 

I think I’m cruel. 

When I delete contacts - it’s my first step to kicking that person out of my life. I feel like I can’t remove people out of my life because I’m not sure if the decision and judgement I make of them (that they use me) is correct. It’s like I keep wanting to give someone the benefit of the doubt because i believe people can change and become a better person than they were before very fast. Or maybe I just want friends. 

There are certain people in my life right now where I just feel used but I can’t address it and I feel bad for absolutely ignoring them but I want to cut them out of my life so bad. I just don’t know how. If I block, I feel too bad because they won’t know what they did wrong or what happened at all because the last interaction I had with them would have seemed like I was fine with everything. This is multiple people I’m talking about too. There’s many people in my phone book that I don’t want there. I want to never to see them again. But I don’t understand why just because they’re n my phone book, I can’t fully ignore them - I need my first step to ignore is to delete their number. 

Fkn high thoughts. I just want to make my mind pleasant. Cut out the negative. 

 So here I am. Old, at an age where I should’ve figured out everything but I’m stuck lost, sad and scared. I’m a criminal. A nuisance to society and my parents. This is what I’ve become. I wonder if it’s due to my anxiety and depression. It’s funny reading past posts and me always questioning if I’m getting sadder and sadder when I’m actuality I’m always the same sad. It just builds up and I find worse coping mechanisms. I feel like what I really want is to pass away. I don’t want to try anymore. This is me speaking on Xanax so who knows. I have to try for my parents though. Sometimes I wish I could ask for help. But people have their shit and they don’t understand the extent. I wish I could get hell. I need help really bad. I’m so tired of this. Talk sooon friend

 weed makes you face reality. makes you hyperaware of everything you do and aware of all the lies that you've told yourself. you have to face those until you stop lying to yourself. you unconsciously have felt uncomfortable about these things so many times but now. always in the back of your mind. it brings them forward and for you to be able to have a good high, you have to deal with them. a good high is for your to feel at peace. i always strive to be at peace. but i'm so far from it. i'm a mess in my head, all my thoughts so loud. sometimes i have good moments when the music takes my focus. so to be at peace is to be focused on a single thing. i feel like i cannot live in the moment, i always have many problems in my life that i run from. weed reminds me that i need to deal with them. some are even problems i didnt realise were problems.

fuck even my thoughts are jumbled. i've no idea what i mean anymore. i tried to explain but i suck. will try next time.

btw: 2019. can you fucking believe it. ive been drifting or something. i dont know if things got worse or better. im neither old nor wiser. im still ugly.

its tough having someone in your life. already tough having to deal with myself. what a source of anxiety a relationship is for me. is he as true as i am to him? how true can someone even be behind the scenes if the show they put on is not even true enough? or am i just a mega misinterpreter.

i cant have everything i want. i just have to remember that hes true to me. in every situation, he will be true to me.

i was good for a day. but i can feel myself sinking back.

Remember: don't tell him you love him or miss him first. You will just be rejected or ignored.

unloved. as always.

im tired of having to try so hard for someone who doesnt try for themselves. or maybe i just dont know how much he tries for himself and me.. just like he doesnt know how much i try for us. i feel like i have to stay positive and be careful what i say all the fucking time so that nothing goes wrong. i feel like i have to support him even when hes negative and even when im sad. i keep having to push my true words away and form something so fake but supports him which in turns supports me - because my happiness seems to depend on his. i wonder if he knows how much i have to try. he cant even send me some fake enthusiasm because its 'not him' but i have to be this entirely different person online most of the time. he doesnt know at all. i want to be supported. i dont want to carry anymore.

my anxiety is tiring

everyone is a letdown

i just want someone to help me. i hate feeling like this.

sad is forever.

sometimes all i can do is lay in bed listening to music while i wait for it to pass. i have to accept its all i can do.

nothing tastes good anymore

i feel the furthest thing from love. from him. i dont understand feel like he cares about me at all. hes made that clear. he doesnt care about my feelings. he doesnt trust me. he thinks hes going to hate me. he thinks hes better than me. he thinks im dumb and thick. hes said im useless multiple times. what am i doing with this person, holy shit. why do i give him the benefit of the doubt that he was stressed and depressed. no one has ever said this shit to me. i dont think ive ever talked to someone that has said and acted like this. such a hateful person. why am i not breaking up with him? what am i doing?

if he leaves me because he thinks i'm still like my past self, then i accept the end of it. because i know im not and ive done everything to try earn his trust and make him feel okay. i know what its like to be constantly anxious and paranoid about whether you can trust the person youre with or not. i try to tell him what i would want to hear. ive gone beyond what i used to believe; ive removed people from my life that meant little to me but were not a threat and wouldve still considered a friend. i made promises to not hang out with a guy alone, even if they were friends. i made a promise to not see sway if he came to melbourne, and i actually came to terms with it. i know ive been completely true to him and done the best i could. its on him if he breaks up with me. and from that i will learn and be okay. its on him. im true. ive changed for him. ive done everything.

accept. and let it go. be supportive even if its easier to be angry and sad. just accept it.  care less.